Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Why You Shouldn't Give a Shit if the World's Ending



You survived the most dreaded time of the year: the holidays.

Whether it was Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza or whatever-the-fuck-you-all-are-celebrating-these-days, you survived. And now, there’s one more day to survive folks…

New Year’s.

New Year’s is always a rough time, usually because the actual New Year’s Day should be officially renamed “National Hangover Day”, but this upcoming one could be especially rough because, well…it could be the last New Year’s Eve ever.

Yes folks, 2012 is coming, and if you believe in that Mayan calendar bullshit, the end of the world is coming and we’ve already begun our last year on Earth. Will the oceans rise? Will the cities fall? Will the sky be set ablaze? Will Cuba Gooding Jr. ever go back to feature films instead of direct-to-DVD shit-fests? These are the questions that will be answered within the next year as that pesky Mayan calendar comes to a close.

So what should you do during your last year on Earth you ask? Anything you fucking want to, that’s what! Quit your job, go on a week-long bender, bareback a cheap transsexual hooker, stick your finger in a urinal and put it in your mouth, bet your life savings that the Blue Jackets will win the Stanley Cup, masturbate with sandpaper, watch Cannibal Holocaust and eat a pizza, touch penises with your neighbor; go fucking apeshit! And why not? You’ll be dead in about a year so make like Peaches and fuck the pain away!

Or…you could listen to reason and come to the realization that the world is more than likely not coming to an end within the next year. Events depicted in Roland Emmerich’s “2012” is probably not going to happen, including John Cusack saving you in a limo as the city around him is crumbling to the ground. Just like this past May (and October) when it was predicted the world would come to a violent end…it didn’t (for those of us that weren’t Macho Man Randy Savage anyway), nothing is going to drastically change in the world by the end of next year…except for the rich getting richer, the poor getting poorer, and some other ass hole getting elected or re-elected into the White House to continue to put the dick to those of us that weren’t born with trust funds.

Personally, I do kind of hope the world does come to an end. I personally have accomplished just about everything I’ve wanted to do in life (minus playing the asses of multiple girls at once in a row like bongo drums) and have become jaded enough to not give a shit if everything goes straight to Hell. And hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the world is going to come to an end when 2012 draws to a close. If it does, I’ll see you on the shores of oblivion folks…it’s been nice knowin’ all y’all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ASS HOLES!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

What the fuck is Bane saying?!



Over the past few days there’s been a shit ton of internet chatter and theories regarding “The Dark Knight Rises”. After the unveiling of the slam-bang six-minute prologue that premiered before the new “Mission: Impossible” flick, a second trailer was released that showed more footage, including the massive destruction of a football field and Batman (Christian Bale) getting his ass handed to him by Bane (Tom Hardy).

One thing that’s gotten a shit-ton of smack slapped on it is the fact that understanding any of Bane’s dialogue is ass-fuckingly hard. I’m not sure whether it’s the voice Hardy is using, or if he’s just muffled by the mask, or a combination of both. Either way, director Christopher Nolan has heard the complaints of the masses…and is probably going to do nothing about it. He’s gone so far to say that he likes Bane’s voice the way it is, and will more than likely not make any post-production alterations or re-dub Hardy either.

So basically we’ll have to wait until “The Dark Knight Rises” comes out on DVD and turn on the closed captioning option so we know what the fuck Bane is saying.

But hey, considering the fact that Bale’s Batman voice is pretty over-the-top in itself, well…what the hell. As a side note, back when I was bartending, “The Dark Knight” was on HBO on one of the TV’s with the closed captioning turned on. During the interrogation scene as Batman walks out and Gordon asks him if he’s going after Dent or Rachel, Batman growls “Rachel”, and the caption came up *inaudible*.

In other words, that was only a taste of things to come apparently.

Though I’m poking fun and pointing out early flaws, all that bullshit aside I can’t fucking wait for this movie. It looks to be every bit as epic (and possibly even more so) than “The Dark Knight” was, and appears to truly be an epic conclusion to Nolan’s Batman films. People are psyched for “The Avengers”, and rightfully so (I am too), but “The Dark Knight Rises” takes precedent over it for me personally, and I’m dying to see how it all winds up coming to an end…

…even if I can’t understand half the shit that the film’s main villain is saying.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

There's a "Starship Troopers" remake coming out...for no reason at all



Paul Verhoeven films are seemingly becoming ripe for the picking to be remade these days. We’ve got a sure to be shit-tastic remake of “Total Recall” coming out next year from the crew behind the even more shit-tastic “Underworld” franchise, plus the much talked about remake of “Robocop” is gaining steam as well. Both films are regarded as genre classics and two of the best films of Verhoeven’s career, but they aren’t the only films of his that can’t escape the clutches of greedy, unoriginal Hollywood executives…

…because they’re remaking “Starship Troopers” too.

Let that sink in…

Now I know the first thought going through your head is probably something like, “wait a minute, that didn’t come out that long ago did it?” The answer is no, not really. Released in 1997, “Starship Troopers” is adapted from the classic Robert A. Heinlein novel of the same name, and is injected with plenty of Verhoeven’s style of social satire with buckets of blood and CGI effects that were state of the art for their time. The film was a hit and spawned two direct-to-DVD sequels over the years, and while the original film was definitely flawed and nowhere near a classic sci-fi/action flick, it was nevertheless enjoyable and fun.

Now, here we are in 2011, and they’re talking about remaking it. A film that isn’t even 15 years old now stands a chance at being remade…do you think the suits out on the West Coast are just completely bankrupt in terms of coming up with their own ideas or what?

Saying this would be a needless remake is saying it lightly, because it seems like every remake (regardless of genre) to come out in nearly the past decade has been absolutely fucking needless. However, a majority of them are remakes of films that are at least 20 or so years old, so you can kind of understand why a film that old would be ripe to be chosen to be remade…but “Starship Troopers”? Really? This is just fucking stupid.

I’m saying it right now folks, this upcoming “Starship Troopers” remake will wind up in the scrap heap with the shitty, needless remakes of flicks like “The Hitcher”, “The Stepfather”, “Prom Night”, “The Fog”, “Amityville Horror”, and countless, countless others. I mention those because most of those remakes were PG-13 rated shit-fests that didn’t retain any of the balls or edginess of their predecessors, in the effort to earn a PG-13 rating to make just a little more money at the box office. Chances are this new “Starship Troopers” will probably follow the same blueprint.

To close out my ramblings here, let me just say that if they want to remake any more of Paul Verhoeven’s films, why don’t you try remaking “Showgirls”? That glorified trashy train wreck of a wank-fest would bring the audiences in like stampeding horses, whether it was rated NC-17, R, or PG-13 because a majority of American movie audiences are dumber than shit, almost as dumb seemingly as the powers that be that decide what to remake in the first fucking place, almost. If/when said remake of “Starship Troopers” happens, I’m just going to stick my head up my ass and pretend it isn’t there.

Next thing you know they’ll remake “Hollow Man” just to complete the Verhoeven filmography of remade and regurgitated bullshit.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Fuck You Frank Miller



I would like to take the time to say something that is from the depths of my heart and soul.

Fuck you Frank Miller.

In the most sincere of ways, fuck you Frank, fuck you right in the ear.

For those of you that don’t know who Frank Miller is, saying that he’s a comic book legend is saying it lightly. A writer and artist for longer than most comic book personalities have the right to work in the industry, Frank Miller is responsible for legendary and classic comic stories including a historic run on “Daredevil” that revolutionized the character and followed with other works “The Dark Knight Returns”, “Batman: Year One”, and the “Sin City” books among others. His most revered work has always been uncompromising, hard, and incredibly gritty given the source material, but these days, Frank isn’t quite Frank these days.

He recently went on a rant about the whole “Occupy” movements happening in cities across the country, going so far as to label the protestors “losers that should go home to their parent’s basements and play more World of Warcraft” (I’m paraphrasing, but that’s pretty much what he said). Anyway, Miller sees these protests as attacks on everything that “true” Americans hold dear. “True Americans”. You know, the kind of “True Americans” that believe the middle class and below should keep getting fucked in the ass by the 1%.

So in those regards, with this stance he’s taken on the subject and how he’s lampooning the protesters, there’s only one thing to say to good ‘ol Frank at this point…

…fuck you (again) Frank Miller.

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure that a decent amount of these protesters have read some comic books in their times, and more than likely they read the work of Frank Miller at some point, more than likely because he was recommended to them because his work has been so revered for so damn long…but in that respect, it’s been a while since Frank has done anything worth writing home about.

After achieving Hollywood fame when adaptations of “Sin City” and “300” struck box-office gold, Frank decided to take Will Eisner’s classic character “The Spirit” and direct a movie based on it himself. The result was a catastrophically horrible piece of shit excuse of a comic book film that felt like a watered-down “Sin City”. He also decided to write numerous shitty comics that sold only because his name was on the cover, including “The Dark Knight Strikes Again”, “All-Star Batman & Robin” (which featured the immortal line of dialogue, “what are you retarded? I’m the goddamn Batman”), and the recently released “Holy Terror”, which is probably the most blatantly racist piece of conservative propaganda to ever be published in the last fifty or so years. In other words, Frank Miller went off his rocker a while ago, so his recent bout of shit-talking shouldn’t come as much of a surprise at all really.

No matter what though, seeing Miller take this stance is disheartening. I wonder if he forgets what it was like getting into a tough industry like comic books and scrapping and surviving to do so. His raw talent is what got him noticed (even as his pencil work deteriorated in quality over the years) in the beginning of his career, a career which is now on the other end of the spectrum where he’s becoming more widely recognized as an over the hill hack, and that’s exactly what I’m acknowledging him as now, and probably forever more from this point forward.

So once again Frank Miller, fuck you. Fuck you right up your quasi-fascist ass. You’re a shell of the man you used to be, and you should just hang it up now to preserve what little legacy you have left. Do that, and the comic book world, and the entertainment industry as a whole, will be all the better off for it.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Metallica and Lou Reed...Make One Big Pile of Shit



What the fuck happened here?

That’s the real question that permeated throughout my brain, when the real question I should ask instead is just simply, “why?” Why did these two fuckholes decide to collaborate together? Why did Lou Reed and Metallica decide to make this fucking train wreck of an album called “Lulu”?

Let me start by saying that despite all the negativity surrounding Metallica over the years (most of it deserved), I remained a huge fan throughout my youth. There's no denying the impact the band has had on the metal genre, bringing it to mainstream audiences like no band ever could before, and in all honesty, no band has really been able to do since. Acts over the years like Korn, Disturbed, and countless others have achieved great deals of mainstream success, but didn't have either the staying power, or the mix of raw talent and songwriting ability that Metallica had all throughout the 1980s to the late 90s. Well, okay, it was the talent that these groups of assclowns were completely devoid of.

Now, here we are.

The most legendary metal band other than Black Sabbath uniting with legendary singer/songwriter Lou Reed to bring us "Lulu"; a collaboration of two distinctly different acts that could either be a smashing success or a complete and utter train wreck. Well folks, "Lulu" is possibly the biggest train wreck of music I think I've ever heard. With the Metallica boys in the background and Lou on vocals, "Lulu" is an unimaginative mess. Every single track on this album sounds so disjointed and just plain ugly that you'll be plugging your ears from the get-go. I'm not exaggerating here or kidding either, "Lulu" isn’t just plain horrible, it’s a musical abortion.

The real tragedy about this is these two legendary acts combining to make this. It wasn't a match that made sense to begin with, which is kind of what honestly made me look kind of forward to it in the first place: it was something different. Well, it is something different alright, it's just plain garbage. It's a shame too; "Lulu" could have been something that at least warranted a listen for fans of either, or any, music genre just for the sake of curiosity alone. Instead, this is what we're left with: a gaping black hole of an album that makes me want to shit my pants in utter amazement and overall sadness. Sadness because Lou Reed is a legend in his own right, and Metallica was the pioneering thrash band that came out of the Bay Area and took the world by storm.

No matter what these acts do from this day forward, their legendary status cannot ever really be questioned by anyone but their respective haters.

But no matter how legendary their status is and possibly always will be, they can’t ever deny that they crafted “Lulu”, which is the equivalent of that red-headed kid you conceived that night when you cheated on your husband with the bartender and tried to abort it with a wire hanger, only to fail miserably, scar its face, and eventually give birth in the office basement and keep it hidden with a steady diet of peanut shavings and Robitussin.

In other words, it’s a mistake that was known upon its conception, went through with anyway, and now is hated and despised by all that encounter it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Shit I'm Thankful For



Ah yes, it’s that time of year. The time of year where we all gather around the dinner table with a various assortment of relatives that we usually do everything we can to avoid being around. This includes but is not exclusive to, your narcoleptic father who has managed to make it away from the couch and watching football, but still managed to bring his trusty beer cozy to the table. Your whore of a cousin and her current boy-toy of the month that decided to wear a Pabst Blue-Ribbon t-shirt to the gathering. Your aunt that goes on and on about her awesome son that owns property in Manhattan. Your other aunt that creepily goes to great lengths discussing how proud she was when her daughter (i.e., your whore of a cousin) got her first period and graphically detailing the monolithic event while you choke on your cranberry sauce. And who can forget your weird Uncle Steve, who even though you’re all grown up now, are still not allowed to be around alone, so say your parents.

Ah yes folks, it’s Thanksgiving. A holiday in which we give thanks for everything we have. A holiday in which images of gatherings between pilgrims and Native American Indians pop up in your head. A holiday in which we give thanks to those pilgrims and our forefathers for wrestling and taking this land we now live on from its native people and slaughtering them in the process. Were it not for that eventual act of genocide in the name of God, we wouldn’t be here today, because remember folks, as long as you’re white (and maybe a little bit of brown), God loves you and looks out for you always.

Let me cut my shtick for now and get on to just what all I’m thankful for today. In this crazy world we live in where we’re teetering on the brink of economic collapse and people are “occupying” public places just to try to get in the pants of (or at least get a handy from) that cute hippy chick they know from their poetry class, we should all have at least one or two things to give thanks for. So, without further adieu, here’s a list of just what I’m thankful for. Strap yourselves in folks…

Shit I’m thankful for:



High definition hockey

Getting laid on a semi-regular basis

The NBA lockout (because the drama here is more entertaining than basketball has been in a long time)

LeBron James still not having a Championship ring

That there’s no debtors’ prison

Free internet porn

Catholic high school girl uniforms

Milkshakes

Sylvester Stallone making an “Expendables” sequel

That I didn’t have to pay a dime to hear the Metallica and Lou Reed collaboration by illegally downloading it, so I didn’t get mad when it almost brought me to tears by how ungodly horrible it is

That George Romero isn’t dead yet

That the remake of “The Crow” looks dead in the water

That there aren’t all that many daycares around Penn State University

Abortion

The birth control pill

Plan B

Hearing the words “you are not the father”

Not being a father

Anything that gets me out of being a father




Well folks, that’s pretty much it in terms of what I’m thankful for this year. Didn’t think any of it was funny? Think it may be a little too much? How about you let me come over and stuff your turkey good and proper then? Yeah, that’s what I thought…



HAPPY THANKSGIVING MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Why You Should Shut the Fuck Up About Joe Paterno



First things first here, I’m really sick and tired of hearing about Joe fucking Paterno. Over a week later and people are still “up in arms” about the legendary Penn State football coach’s firing amidst the revelations of some ass hole on his coaching staff having his way with various young boys over an extended period of time. Paterno himself did nothing wrong, other than not following through after initially reporting it to the athletic director and whoever else. Upon news of Paterno getting shitcanned, along with a lot of other people for basically doing nothing but sitting on their hands, Penn State students protested and rioted. And now, here we are.

It’s been a long time since I’ve watched college football and generally enjoyed it, but when I did, watching Penn State was usually always an entertaining endeavor. Paterno was the iconic man on the sideline, the coach who had been there for nearly 50 fucking years and setting records across the board along the way. Now, he’s practically a disgrace. In the wake of Paterno’s firing, the one thing that pisses me off more than anything are all these people calling Paterno’s shitcanning a disgrace and a tragedy…

…no, you stupid fuckers, the tragedy and disgrace isn’t what happened to Paterno, it’s that Paterno and everyone else involved that knew something bad was happening didn’t do anything about it. You can say all you want that they did their jobs by reporting it up the chain at Penn State, but why the fuck didn’t anyone call the cops at the very least. The guy who actually heard this Sandusky cocksucker doing shit to these kids should have interceded at the very fucking least. If it were me in his shoes, no matter who I saw or heard doing these horrible things to a fucking kid, I swear on everything I hold dear I would have run straight in and beat the mother loving shit out of the scumbucket with no fucking mercy. Instead, this kind of shit went on for YEARS. More victims are coming forward every other day, victims that wouldn’t exist if SOMEONE WOULD HAVE FUCKING DONE SOMETHING TO PUT A STOP TO IT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE.

And while Paterno and company may have lost their jobs, these kids are fucked for life and scarred for all time. That is the tragedy and disgrace, not an 80-some year old man not coaching a college football team anymore.

Get your shit straight people, and please, shut the fuck up about Joe fucking Paterno. His legacy is now forever pissed upon, and he has no one to blame but himself and his crew.