Thoughts On the Hilariously Shitty Remake of "Robocop"

Everything gets remade these days, from classics like “Psycho”, “Dawn of the Dead”, and “Total Recall” to even lesser-renowned films like “The Stepfather” and “The Fog”; so absolutely nothing is sacred anymore…even Robocop. A surprise smash hit in 1987, the original “Robocop” is a classic action film that features more scathing social and political commentary laced in it than many other mainstream films from the era. Now here we are in 2012, and there’s a remake of “Robocop” coming very, very soon…for better or worse.

The new take on Robocop doesn’t come out until at least 2013, but there’s already been a fair degree of viral marketing to facefuck the masses with for now. From ads about OCP (the corporation behind the creation of Robocop) and the ED-209 (the homicidal, often malfunctioning robot that growled), to revelations of some big name casting so far (Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Haley, Jay Baruchel, and Hugh Laurie among others so far), this new Robocop flick is coming along fairly nicely so far, and hey, maybe it’ll even turn out half decent…wait what am I saying? Of course it fucking isn’t…

First off, the prototype art of what Robocop’s new look is going to be was fucking laughable. For Christ’s sake he looks like a goddamned Micronaut. To make matters worse, elements of the film’s script have been leaked…and things are about to get more unintentionally hilarious. While the basic elements remain the same: Detroit cop Alex Murphy is killed in the line of duty and transformed into Robocop, things are drastically different in almost every other regard. He goes through different versions (including the classic and iconic look, which gets laughed at by a “criminal focus group”…yes I’m serious) until finally getting tested on Al-Qaeda terrorists. Oh, and he’s also a transformer. And he can make himself look human and normal when need be. And he has a pet cyborg tyrannosaurus that he rides like a horse. Ok, that last part I made up, but the rest is true.

Anyway, the idea of remaking “Robocop” I can understand. Back in the day, the film was such a hit that it spawned two inferior sequels, a plethora of video games and comic books, a live-action TV show, two animated series, TV-movies, action figures, and more besides…meaning that this was a cash cow once upon a time. Getting a modern day remake of it with the hope that there’s still a decent amount of cash to squeeze out of it makes sense, but making all these changes to Robocop don’t make sense at all. Updated technology is fine, but really making him fight Al-Qaeda? Really? Is he going to have a logo on his chest plate that says something like “Anti-terrorism Cyborg Cop”? That’s not being relevant with modern times, that’s just fucking stupid. And speaking of fucking stupid, why the fuck is he a transformer? Is he going to turn into different vehicles and have all kinds of artillery pop out of his orifices too? Good fucking lord, what a bunch of shit. It’s no surprise that when the plot points got leaked over the internet that it’s been ridiculed all over the place already, and it hasn’t even started filming yet!

All in all, you can tell that I’m not exactly thrilled about there being a “Robocop” remake, but I’m even less thrilled that we’d be getting what surely sounds like one big pile of shit. All we need now is it being in 3-D. Wait what? It is? Great. Stick with the original folks, and give this shit-tastic money-grubbing pile of fuckness a big old middle finger.

10 Overlooked and Underrated Gems Part 2: The Sega Genesis

Ah yes, we’re getting into the 16-bit spirit of things now. When Sega released the Genesis in America in 1989, it gave the NES a run for its money in terms of games, graphics, and just about everything else. Though Nintendo would wind up pulling ahead when they released the Super NES later on, the Genesis has a special place in my heart for a number of reasons. It was the first 16-bit console I ever owned, and though it didn’t have the numerous first-party classics that the Super NES had, the Genesis had the best versions of fighting and sports games that were also released on Nintendo’s 16-bit juggernaut at the time. The classic Genesis games that we all know and love, like the “Sonic the Hedgehog” series, “Alex Kidd”, the “Phantasy Star” series, “Gunstar Heroes”, and more besides are classics of the library, but there’s a bunch of other great Genesis games that for one reason or another just fell through the cracks. So, without further adieu, here are my top 10 underrated and overlooked gems for the Sega Genesis:





10. ZERO TOLERANCE (1994)

One of the few (and honestly I think the only to make it stateside) first-person shooters to ever be released for the Genesis, “Zero Tolerance” appears to be a typical “Doom” clone, and make no mistake it is, but it’s also one of the most surprisingly well-done ones from the era you’re likely to ever play. Due to the graphical limitations of the Genesis, the scaling and 3-D effects couldn’t be done particularly well; meaning the action taking place on the screen is small and only takes up a fraction of what appears on your TV. That aside though, the rest of the game is a blast. The frame rate is surprisingly silky smooth, and the run and gun gameplay is even smoother. Add to that the fact that you can link up two Genesis consoles for multiplayer slaughtering, and you’ve got a criminally overlooked game. Regarded as a cult classic (and spawning an unreleased sequel as well), “Zero Tolerance” is wholeheartedly worth tracking down.




9. THE OOZE (1995)

One of the wonderful games developed by the Sega Technical Institute (more on them later), “The Ooze” is a diabolical adventure/puzzle game that boasts some impressive and colorful graphics to go along with some innovative gameplay elements. You play a scientist who has been transformed into a blob of green ooze, and you’re out for revenge and to make things right against the scumbags that did this to you. It can be obnoxiously hard and frustrating as hell, but man oh man does it leave a lasting impression. I reviewed it for Sega-16 not too long ago, and it was one of the few (damn few) games I reviewed for them that wasn’t a total piece of shit. Check it out, you’ll dig it.




8. GENERAL CHAOS (1994)

Back in the day, before EA became more concerned with milking money from gamers with the same Madden game released year after year, they made some pretty damn awesome PC games and some pretty awesome Genesis games as well. “General Chaos” was one of these games, an arcade/strategy game with a twisted sense of humor. You choose your team of commandos to duke it out on a small battlefield environment. It’s very tongue-in-cheek and features a pseudo-psychotic art style, and is one of the best games of its type you’re ever likely to play.




7. DRAGON’S FURY (1991)

Known as “Devil’s Crush” just about everywhere else it was released, “Dragon’s Fury” on the Genesis is a pinball game unlike many other pinball games you’re likely to play. The play field of the game is a multi-screen pinball table that features a shit-ton of enemies and items to smash and grab along the way. Oh yeah, there’s fucking pentagrams and demons and monsters and all kinds of other crazy shit along the way too. Making a good pinball game is a difficult thing indeed, but holy shit these guys did, and it’s probably the best pinball game you’ll ever play that isn’t a real pinball table.




6. WHIP RUSH (1990)

One of the best vertical shooters on the Genesis that no one played (we’ll be getting to the absolute best one on the Genesis no one played soon), “Whip Rush” is an “R-Type”-like affair where you blast your way across the galaxy. And like “R-Type”, it can be punishingly difficult to boot. It was released at a time when this genre of video game was becoming more and more popular, so it’s easy to see how it got lost in the cracks. There isn’t that much about it that sets it apart from other games of its type, other than being able to rotate your direction of fire, which made things a little easier, but man oh man was this one hard son of a bitch. It still looks and plays great to this very day, so if you have the balls give “Whip Rush” a try.




5. COMIX ZONE (1995)

Another gem from Sega Technical Institute, “Comix Zone” was released late in the life of the Genesis’ life cycle, but it found a small audience regardless. You play a comic book artist trapped in his own comic book, beating the shit out of baddies that keep getting drawn inside the screen. Add to the fact that you literally move from panel to panel and rip and tear through backgrounds and other areas, and you’ve got one of the absolute most well-designed games to ever grace the Genesis. It’s hard as nails, but in terms of the numerous beat ‘em up’s that were so prevalent in the Genesis’ library, “Comix Zone” is one of the best. That, along with what’s coming up next…




4. THE PUNISHER (1994)

Based on Capcom’s smash hit arcade game, “The Punisher” featured Marvel’s titular vigilante teaming up with Nick Fury to take on The Kingpin and wave after wave of criminal baddies as you punch, kick, and shoot your way through level after level. It’s repetitive and mindless sure, but satisfying as all hell. While it took a step back graphically compared to the arcade version, the Genesis version of “The Punisher” took the “Final Fight” engine and worked magic with it. It’s got some punishing (no pun intended, seriously) difficulty to be sure, but it’s a blast to play regardless, especially with a friend. It also features some of the best music to ever be heard in a Genesis game (which is saying something, considering the fact that the Genesis’ soundchip was ungodly bad). It fetches a surprisingly high price on eBay and other vintage game stores, but it’s worth every penny, so pick it the fuck up!




3. THUNDER FORCE III (1990)

The best scrolling shooter on the Genesis in the history of fucking ever, “Thunder Force III” and the “Thunder Force” games as a whole are the Genesis’ answer to Konami’s “Gradius” games which at the time were Nintendo exclusive. You shoot down wave after wave after wave of enemy starships and bear witness to massive amounts of destruction, and it’s such a glorious sight that you won’t be able to put the controller down. It’s a wonderfully difficult game as well, but it’s so wonderfully designed and features some of the best graphics, sound effects, and animation that were around at the time, truly showing off what the Genesis could do way back when. It’s a shame that not many people played it back then, because scrolling shooters don’t often get much better than this.




2. ROBOCOP VS THE TERMINATOR (1993)

Also released on the Super NES, “Robocop VS The Terminator” is based on a comic book mini-series which starred the two cyborg characters going to war with each other, and war is just what this game feels like when you play it. You play as Robocop as you traverse present Detroit taking on baddies and Terminator assassins, making your way into the future where Skynet has taken over. It’s fast paced and unrelenting, and one of the absolute best licensed action side-scrollers to ever see the light of day. Now when the game was released for both the Super NES and Genesis, each version was somewhat different. The Super NES featured a slightly different storyline and better graphics and sound effects, but the Genesis version was way more violent and was also a hell of a lot more challenging to boot. In fact the last couple levels of the game are downright near-impossible to complete, but everything else about this game is just simply wonderful. Pick it up for fuck’s sake; you’ll be glad that you did.




1. ETERNAL CHAMPIONS (1993)

Released at a time when fighting games were really starting to crowd the market and eat up quarters in arcades with all the “Street Fighter II” revisions and “Mortal Kombat”, Sega decided to throw their hat into the ring with “Eternal Champions”. Featuring a roster of interesting fighters, large character sprites, and intriguing fatalities, stages, and a fighting engine that was way ahead of its time, “Eternal Champions” sparked varying degrees of critical and commercial acclaim, and even spawned an awesome (and underrated) sequel on the Sega CD a few years later. Sadly though, “Eternal Champions” seems to have been sadly forgotten. For all the various Sega compilation collections that get released every so often, we’ve never seen “Eternal Champions” get the re-release treatment, which is a crying shame. This is an awesome fighting game that deserves your time and attention, and for every new “Street Fighter” or “Mortal Kombat” game that would hit the system, the more and more people would forget about this game. You need to give it a look if you can. It may seem dated at first when compared to some other games to come out afterwards, but despite that, there’s just something about “Eternal Champions” that just feels kind of timeless. That and its fun as hell too.



Well, that’s all for now folks. Tune in next time as I’ll go over the Top 10 underrated and overlooked gems for the Super Nintendo. Until next time, see y’all later…

There's a "Starship Troopers" remake coming out...for no reason at all

Paul Verhoeven films are seemingly becoming ripe for the picking to be remade these days. We’ve got a sure to be shit-tastic remake of “Total Recall” coming out next year from the crew behind the even more shit-tastic “Underworld” franchise, plus the much talked about remake of “Robocop” is gaining steam as well. Both films are regarded as genre classics and two of the best films of Verhoeven’s career, but they aren’t the only films of his that can’t escape the clutches of greedy, unoriginal Hollywood executives…

…because they’re remaking “Starship Troopers” too.

Let that sink in…

Now I know the first thought going through your head is probably something like, “wait a minute, that didn’t come out that long ago did it?” The answer is no, not really. Released in 1997, “Starship Troopers” is adapted from the classic Robert A. Heinlein novel of the same name, and is injected with plenty of Verhoeven’s style of social satire with buckets of blood and CGI effects that were state of the art for their time. The film was a hit and spawned two direct-to-DVD sequels over the years, and while the original film was definitely flawed and nowhere near a classic sci-fi/action flick, it was nevertheless enjoyable and fun.

Now, here we are in 2011, and they’re talking about remaking it. A film that isn’t even 15 years old now stands a chance at being remade…do you think the suits out on the West Coast are just completely bankrupt in terms of coming up with their own ideas or what?

Saying this would be a needless remake is saying it lightly, because it seems like every remake (regardless of genre) to come out in nearly the past decade has been absolutely fucking needless. However, a majority of them are remakes of films that are at least 20 or so years old, so you can kind of understand why a film that old would be ripe to be chosen to be remade…but “Starship Troopers”? Really? This is just fucking stupid.

I’m saying it right now folks, this upcoming “Starship Troopers” remake will wind up in the scrap heap with the shitty, needless remakes of flicks like “The Hitcher”, “The Stepfather”, “Prom Night”, “The Fog”, “Amityville Horror”, and countless, countless others. I mention those because most of those remakes were PG-13 rated shit-fests that didn’t retain any of the balls or edginess of their predecessors, in the effort to earn a PG-13 rating to make just a little more money at the box office. Chances are this new “Starship Troopers” will probably follow the same blueprint.

To close out my ramblings here, let me just say that if they want to remake any more of Paul Verhoeven’s films, why don’t you try remaking “Showgirls”? That glorified trashy train wreck of a wank-fest would bring the audiences in like stampeding horses, whether it was rated NC-17, R, or PG-13 because a majority of American movie audiences are dumber than shit, almost as dumb seemingly as the powers that be that decide what to remake in the first fucking place, almost. If/when said remake of “Starship Troopers” happens, I’m just going to stick my head up my ass and pretend it isn’t there.

Next thing you know they’ll remake “Hollow Man” just to complete the Verhoeven filmography of remade and regurgitated bullshit.

Uncensored "Robocop 3" review for Sega-16

I'm pleased to present the uncensored and unedited take on the Robocop 3 for the Genesis review I wrote for Sega-16. You can check out the pussified version here:

http://www.sega-16.com/review_page.php?id=723&title=RoboCop 3

Anyway, this was a game that caused a lot of anger for me as a kid, just because it's basically defective by design. Enjoy!





Robocop 3 (1993)

Published by Flying Edge/Acclaim Developed by Eden Entertainment

Whenever you hear the title Robocop, it just manages to bring up so many memories and thoughts. Most of them are of the 1987 action/sci-fi masterpiece that starred Peter Weller as Murphy, a murdered cop brought back from the dead as a law-enforcing cyborg warrior. A massive hit when first released in theaters, sequels were naturally the order of the day, of which it received two official theatrical releases which were downright horrible, particularly the third film of which this Genesis video game review is based. But just how bad can a game based on an incredibly horrible movie sequel be? I kind of wish I didn’t know honestly, but part of me feels that it should be a public service for me to warn people about Robocop 3. I can’t stress it enough, this is one of the worst licensed piece of shit video games you’ll come across on a 16 bit console.

A side-scrolling action game, Robocop 3 puts you in the role of ‘ol tin-head, as he makes his way through Old Detroit gunning down crooks, scumbags, OCP thugs, and other assorted lookalike fuckwad villains all scrolling they’re way in your general direction. It doesn’t amount to a whole lot though, as the gameplay itself is more simple and mindless than one can hope to imagine. This makes for quite a boring endeavor, which thankfully doesn’t last long in terms of length, although the game’s difficulty may stretch things out a bit longer…AKA painfully fucking longer.

Robocop 3’s difficulty is something that was panned when the game was first released. The NES version was a bit different, and a bit more fun thanks to in-between level mini-games where you could actually fix Robocop’s injuries and damages, while the Super NES follow-up is basically the same thing you get here with the Genesis version, which was released afterwards. Don’t you think that the powers that be would have taken some time to fix some of the negative aspects of the game when porting it to the Genesis? Well, we are talking about the shitbirds at Acclaim here (who use their defunct Flying Edge label here), so that question seems kind of dumb to ask in retrospect. Anyway, the game’s difficulty is largely due to the fact that your enemies always seem to get the better of you, no matter what. This is largely due to the fact that Robocop’s weapon selection is lame, as well as his turtle-ish slow movements and practically broken jumping mechanics and the game’s stiff controls don’t make things any easier either. I know he’s a heavy-ass fucking robot and of course he’s going to move slow and not jump too high, but come on for Christ’s sake here.

The worst aspect of the game’s difficulty however is the fact that when you come into close contact with enemies, your energy gets depleted so fast that you’ll never know what happened. I mean come on now, this is fucking Robocop for crying out loud, HE’S A FUCKING CYBORG! How has he been made so weak here that if your pixels even come in contact with an enemy you’re dead in no time? The developers took Robocop and turned him into a complete pussy, and it’s a crying shame. If they wanted to pussify Robocop so bad, why not instead of his ridiculous death animation, they instead just showed him shitting himself and running away. That’s right I said it, show Robocop taking a big ‘ol robot dump on the ground and running away in fear. At least that in itself would add some entertainment value (and personally I’d purposely make him die every time just to see it).

Graphically speaking Robocop himself resembles his film counterpart well enough, while the villains are the typical stock type that one would come to expect. The stages look a lot alike from one another, most of the time I myself can’t really tell one stage from another to be totally honest. Robocop’s deadly robot nemesis the ED-209, which makes a relatively lame cameo here, actually looks kind of cool, but other than that, the game’s total look is a complete stale bore. Sound-wise we get the same theme repeated over and over again throughout the game, and the game’s sound effects are more annoying than anything else. In short, Robocop 3 is just a typical licensed rush-job, but the question remains as just what the hell was the damn rush? The NES and Super NES versions were already out way before the Genesis version, and it’s not like the movie was that big a hit to warrant a quickly rushed port.

Finding positive points to speak about with Robocop 3 is hard enough to do on its own, but the fact remains that Robocop hasn’t been treated all that well in the video game world. I remember pumping quarters into the old arcade game when I was a kid, and I remember having a blast doing so. The NES version of the game wasn’t bad either, but after that, any game featuring Robocop just hasn’t been able to do the justice that the character so richly deserves (and don’t get me started on the video game abortion that is the first-person shooter take on Robocop released on the XBox a few years ago). That is, besides the excellent Robocop VS The Terminator, which ironically remains not only the best video game use of the Robocop license, but one of the best takes on his fellow cyborg monstrosity The Terminator as well. You’d be much, much better off checking out that game instead, and even if you manage to find Robocop 3 for dirt cheap (which you can), you’d be better off avoiding it all together.

2/10