More "Prometheus"? More "Alien"? MORE SHIT!

Remember a while back when I talked about Neill Blomkamp making a new "Alien" movie? Well yes, that's still happening (allegedly), but that's not the only "Alien"-related film we'll be getting. Ridley Scott, director of the original "Alien" and its recent, less than well-received semi-prequel "Prometheus" has announced that the latter film is indeed getting a sequel, albeit with a brand new title that literally almost none of us really saw coming:

"Alien: Paradise Lost".

So much for not being a prequel and just a separate, stand-alone film that takes place in the same universe huh?

That was the line of shit we were given before and during the original release for "Prometheus" in 2012 and beforehand, that it wasn't a traditional prequel, but would tell its own story, just in the same universe. Considering how lukewarm the reception for that film ended up being, it's not surprising that the suits at Fox more than likely told Scott "make it a straight prequel to fucking 'Alien', right fucking now". In fact, that's what I'm betting actually happened.

For all its flaws, I found "Prometheus" to be an intriguing film. It was predictable and not as enjoyable as I had hoped it would be, but it is beautifully shot, well-acted, and the surgical "abortion" scene is fucking horrifying. It just didn't end up being as epic in scope as we had all hoped it would be, and honestly made little sense in the grand scheme of things...which pretty much meant from the get-go we were going to get a sequel no matter what.

So now that's not just one, but two "Alien"-related films are on the horizon (with Scott allegedly producing Blomkamp's film as well). Who would have thought? "Alien Resurrection" in all honestly should have been the final nail in the "Alien" franchise's coffin (I don't count the "Alien VS Predator" movies) and here we are now in 2015 knowing that we're getting a couple more...and also knowing that both will probably kind of suck if we're being honest with ourselves. They'll look beautiful for sure, but will more than likely suck donkey cock.

Now I know I'm being a negative nancy as usual and such, and believe me no one is hoping these films are amazing more than I am, but I've been through this too much with this fucking franchise to know much better.

Is there any way we can get Lance Henriksen to star in both films? Please?

Why We Still Love "Mystery Science Theater 3000"

It's hard to believe that it's been over 15 years since "Mystery Science Theater 3000" left the airwaves. A show that somehow impossibly ran for over a decade between Comedy Central and The Sci-Fi Channel, MST3K touched a chord with viewers that enjoyed comedy, riffing, and movies in general. For some reason, even after all this time off of the air, the show still manages to resonate. Why is that exactly?

Well for starters, riffing on shitty movies never gets old. Like ever. Anyone can riff on a super shitty movie to help make the viewing experience of said shitty movie more enjoyable. That will never change, which you can tell considering MST3K leads Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett continue to riff on shit movies with Rifftrax (and in between MST3K and Rifftrax, the short lived The Film Crew).

As for MST3K itself, it's managed to stay relevant all these years later because it's just timeless. Riffing on movies is timeless in itself, but actually being legitimately funny in doing so helps make it all the more truly timeless. It helps that somehow a lot of the jokes made during specific films ("Werewolf", "Future War", "Manos: The Hands of Fate", and "The Beatniks" come to mind) somehow still manage to hold up. Don't ask me how, but they do. That in itself is a total fucking accomplishment and something that many, many other TV shows from the era fail to do.

I still watch old MST3K episodes, usually as background noise whether I'm working, reading, or masturbating. The fact that they're so readily available on physical media and online streaming just goes to show you that there's still a large demand for the show as a whole. Maybe one day Mike (or Joel) and the bots will make a true comeback. Could you imagine a new take on MST3K, with them watching newer shitfests or going back through the shitfest catalogue of yesteryear? I wish, I really, really, wish.

If you have only faded memories of MST3K, or never checked out the show at all, you missed the fuck out. Go remedy that. Right now. Thank me later...and thank YouTube and Shout! Factory too.

JJ Abrams and "Star Wars": My Honest Opinion

The announcement that J.J. Abrams will be directing "Star Wars: Episode VII" sent shockwaves through nerdom all around the universe. After all, this is the guy that helped resurrect the "Star Trek" film franchise more so than anything else. Granted he's done more than that, directed the love-letter to Spielberg "Super 8", produced "Cloverfield", directed "Mission: Impossible III" and had a hand in "Mission: Impossible 4", and co-created "Lost" and "Alias" to boot. So yeah, the guy knows how to get nerds and geeks on their feet. Now for the record, I absolutely adored the "Star Trek" reboot and look forward to the sequel "Star Trek Into Darkness", and I absolutely loved "Lost" despite all the flack it received over the course of its run, but now that I've had some time to think about it, the idea of Abrams handling "Star Wars" blows my mind on so many levels that I can barely comprehend it.

Now, like I had said before, I really think that "Star Wars" should be left the fuck alone. It was bad enough we had prequels, but we really don't need sequels. Even though there's a huge part of me that would like to see new adventures unfold for Luke, Leia, Han, and the rest of the crew; that doesn't mean that we necessarily should. However, the one great thing about having Abrams be the man behind the camera is that I do believe he is the right guy to handle it, in terms of the Star Wars universe being so big that he has the mind's eye to capture it the right way in terms of cinematic amazement.

Then again, it's also more than likely that anything Abrams comes up with (or that Disney allows him to come up with) will be wholly predictable. Out of all the directors mentioned and rumored to be attached to the new Star Wars movie: Matthew Vaughan, Peter Jackson, Zack Snyder, and more besides, Abrams is without a doubt the safest one to go with, just from a visual spectacle standpoint, and because he's the least likely to want to do his own thing and instead go with how the studio directs him to go in terms of making the product the most marketable. That's understandable, considering this is Star Wars and Disney and throwing both of them together makes instant dollar signs, so of course Disney will go the safest route in terms of making the most marketable product imaginable, and that's what Abrams will make: more of a product than a movie.

Just a couple days ago, Jim Chadwick, an editor at DC Comics and a Facebook friend that I often converse with, brought up a valid point: why not hand the franchise off to a director that you would least expect? He brought up Takesi Miike, the brilliantly deranged director of "Ichi the Killer", "Audition", and "13 Assassins" among others. Though he's known by many as a gorehound, Miike has one of the most unique eyes for storytelling in all of modern day filmmaking. Getting someone like him that would inject the perfect blend of darkness and "Seven Samurai"-inspired storytelling (which Star Wars was semi-based on in the first place) would make for a truly unique take on the Star Wars universe, and I would absolutely kill to see such a thing happen.

Now, we know having Miike on board would never in a million years happen, but even someone like Zack Snyder would possibly deliver something a little different that we the fans wholeheartedly deserve. I mean for fuck's sake, we survived three shitty prequels and years of re-shat out "special editions" of the original films that we deserve something special for George Lucas making us look like douche bags. It is my personal hope that Abrams really delivers and proves me wrong at least a little bit, because as apprehensive as I am about this, I can't lie, I am kind of looking forward to it.

That, and I wanna see Han come from work and discover Leia having an affair with Chewbacca. That would be the tits.

Disney Owns Star Wars...and You.

George Lucas sold the rights to everything Star Wars-related to Disney for 4 billion dollars. Let that sink in folks. Disney now owns Star Wars. Know what else Disney owns? Marvel Comics. And you know what else Disney owns? Your fucking soul. Well not really, but they will, because they're fucking Disney.

When news about Lucas' sale hit, at first I was flabbergasted at the fact that Disney now owns so much shit that has meant so much to me since I was a kid that it's becoming harder and harder to fathom at just what else Disney is going to own down the line. Then again, it wasn't the sale itself that brought my piss to a boil, it was the announcement that Disney plans on creating a new trilogy of Star Wars films that pick up where "Return of the Jedi" left off. Scores of nerds across the planet couldn't stop theorizing as to what they would use as a basis to continue the story. Would it be the various novels that are kind of considered canon? Or the "Dark Empire" graphic novels? Or something else entirely original? Who the fuck knows?

Part of me is hopeful at the prospect of new sequels, because it would give a whole new generation of filmmakers and writers a new chance to make Star Wars fresh again without George Lucas' complete input, and after the prequels, I'd be more than happy to see official Star Wars films that he isn't sitting in the director's chair for. On the other hand, the other part of me doesn't give two fucking shits about more Star Wars films. As far as I'm concerned, the real Star Wars trilogy ended in 1983, the prequels don't count; so leave it the fuck alone for Christ's sake.

And then, the nerd comes out in me when I think that not only could Disney characters appear in a Star Wars film, but so could Marvel ones as well. Contemplate the idea that theoretically speaking The Punisher could blow Jar Jar Binks' brains out. Thor could curbstomp Boba Fett. Blob (the X-Men villain) and Jabba the Hutt could fuck each other's brains out. Oh, and Scrooge McDuck gets to watch and throws shit-tons of coins on their fat naked bodies and ups the ante by making them go ass to mouth.

That was foul, I apologize.

Anyway, you all see what I'm getting at here. Disney owning Star Wars just means finding new ways to pimp out the franchise for all its worth, which is saying something considering that Lucas has milked the shit out of it since 1977 onward and turned it into a multi-billion dollar industry. But making new Star Wars films every two to three years? Really? Who's gonna play Luke Skywalker? Mark Hamill is too damn old to continue the series right where it left off, so who the hell are they gonna get, Justin Bieber? While we're at it, why don't we cast Zac Efron as Han Solo and Vanessa Hudgens as Princess Leia, since Harrison Ford hasn't given two shits about Star Wars since the 80s and Carrie Fisher wouldn't dare put on the slave bikini unless we were making a horror movie here. Come to think of it, let's cast Ron Jeremy as Chewie. He doesn't really need the fur costume and his dick can make the Chewie roar. Plus throw Chris Tucker in there as Lando while we're at it, because I'd actually pay good cash to see that shit happen. Oh yeah, wait and see how many of those casting choices actually wind up coming true, somebody's gonna owe me money here.

So before long, expect a whole new wave of Star Wars-related movies, TV shows, animated series, comic books, toys, merchandise, and tons tons more, because if it's one thing Disney can do, it's milk the ever-loving shit out of something for all that it's worth.

May the Force be with you...in your pants.

Thoughts On the Hilariously Shitty Remake of "Robocop"

Everything gets remade these days, from classics like “Psycho”, “Dawn of the Dead”, and “Total Recall” to even lesser-renowned films like “The Stepfather” and “The Fog”; so absolutely nothing is sacred anymore…even Robocop. A surprise smash hit in 1987, the original “Robocop” is a classic action film that features more scathing social and political commentary laced in it than many other mainstream films from the era. Now here we are in 2012, and there’s a remake of “Robocop” coming very, very soon…for better or worse.

The new take on Robocop doesn’t come out until at least 2013, but there’s already been a fair degree of viral marketing to facefuck the masses with for now. From ads about OCP (the corporation behind the creation of Robocop) and the ED-209 (the homicidal, often malfunctioning robot that growled), to revelations of some big name casting so far (Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Haley, Jay Baruchel, and Hugh Laurie among others so far), this new Robocop flick is coming along fairly nicely so far, and hey, maybe it’ll even turn out half decent…wait what am I saying? Of course it fucking isn’t…

First off, the prototype art of what Robocop’s new look is going to be was fucking laughable. For Christ’s sake he looks like a goddamned Micronaut. To make matters worse, elements of the film’s script have been leaked…and things are about to get more unintentionally hilarious. While the basic elements remain the same: Detroit cop Alex Murphy is killed in the line of duty and transformed into Robocop, things are drastically different in almost every other regard. He goes through different versions (including the classic and iconic look, which gets laughed at by a “criminal focus group”…yes I’m serious) until finally getting tested on Al-Qaeda terrorists. Oh, and he’s also a transformer. And he can make himself look human and normal when need be. And he has a pet cyborg tyrannosaurus that he rides like a horse. Ok, that last part I made up, but the rest is true.

Anyway, the idea of remaking “Robocop” I can understand. Back in the day, the film was such a hit that it spawned two inferior sequels, a plethora of video games and comic books, a live-action TV show, two animated series, TV-movies, action figures, and more besides…meaning that this was a cash cow once upon a time. Getting a modern day remake of it with the hope that there’s still a decent amount of cash to squeeze out of it makes sense, but making all these changes to Robocop don’t make sense at all. Updated technology is fine, but really making him fight Al-Qaeda? Really? Is he going to have a logo on his chest plate that says something like “Anti-terrorism Cyborg Cop”? That’s not being relevant with modern times, that’s just fucking stupid. And speaking of fucking stupid, why the fuck is he a transformer? Is he going to turn into different vehicles and have all kinds of artillery pop out of his orifices too? Good fucking lord, what a bunch of shit. It’s no surprise that when the plot points got leaked over the internet that it’s been ridiculed all over the place already, and it hasn’t even started filming yet!

All in all, you can tell that I’m not exactly thrilled about there being a “Robocop” remake, but I’m even less thrilled that we’d be getting what surely sounds like one big pile of shit. All we need now is it being in 3-D. Wait what? It is? Great. Stick with the original folks, and give this shit-tastic money-grubbing pile of fuckness a big old middle finger.

There's a "Starship Troopers" remake coming out...for no reason at all

Paul Verhoeven films are seemingly becoming ripe for the picking to be remade these days. We’ve got a sure to be shit-tastic remake of “Total Recall” coming out next year from the crew behind the even more shit-tastic “Underworld” franchise, plus the much talked about remake of “Robocop” is gaining steam as well. Both films are regarded as genre classics and two of the best films of Verhoeven’s career, but they aren’t the only films of his that can’t escape the clutches of greedy, unoriginal Hollywood executives…

…because they’re remaking “Starship Troopers” too.

Let that sink in…

Now I know the first thought going through your head is probably something like, “wait a minute, that didn’t come out that long ago did it?” The answer is no, not really. Released in 1997, “Starship Troopers” is adapted from the classic Robert A. Heinlein novel of the same name, and is injected with plenty of Verhoeven’s style of social satire with buckets of blood and CGI effects that were state of the art for their time. The film was a hit and spawned two direct-to-DVD sequels over the years, and while the original film was definitely flawed and nowhere near a classic sci-fi/action flick, it was nevertheless enjoyable and fun.

Now, here we are in 2011, and they’re talking about remaking it. A film that isn’t even 15 years old now stands a chance at being remade…do you think the suits out on the West Coast are just completely bankrupt in terms of coming up with their own ideas or what?

Saying this would be a needless remake is saying it lightly, because it seems like every remake (regardless of genre) to come out in nearly the past decade has been absolutely fucking needless. However, a majority of them are remakes of films that are at least 20 or so years old, so you can kind of understand why a film that old would be ripe to be chosen to be remade…but “Starship Troopers”? Really? This is just fucking stupid.

I’m saying it right now folks, this upcoming “Starship Troopers” remake will wind up in the scrap heap with the shitty, needless remakes of flicks like “The Hitcher”, “The Stepfather”, “Prom Night”, “The Fog”, “Amityville Horror”, and countless, countless others. I mention those because most of those remakes were PG-13 rated shit-fests that didn’t retain any of the balls or edginess of their predecessors, in the effort to earn a PG-13 rating to make just a little more money at the box office. Chances are this new “Starship Troopers” will probably follow the same blueprint.

To close out my ramblings here, let me just say that if they want to remake any more of Paul Verhoeven’s films, why don’t you try remaking “Showgirls”? That glorified trashy train wreck of a wank-fest would bring the audiences in like stampeding horses, whether it was rated NC-17, R, or PG-13 because a majority of American movie audiences are dumber than shit, almost as dumb seemingly as the powers that be that decide what to remake in the first fucking place, almost. If/when said remake of “Starship Troopers” happens, I’m just going to stick my head up my ass and pretend it isn’t there.

Next thing you know they’ll remake “Hollow Man” just to complete the Verhoeven filmography of remade and regurgitated bullshit.

My Thoughts on a "Blade Runner" Sequel

When it comes to hard science fiction films, they rarely get better than Blade Runner. A 1982 film adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” the film was directed by then up-and-comer Ridley Scott, who was hot off the success of the original Alien and starred Harrison Ford in the role of cyborg hunter Rick Deckard. Though it ultimately failed at the box office when originally released, over the years that followed the film gained a cult following, which blossomed into Blade Runner being renowned as a classic of the genre.

Now, here we are in 2011, and Ridley Scott, who in the years since directed such films as Thelma & Louise, Gladiator, Hannibal, Kingdom of Heaven, and Robin Hood among others, has announced his intention to direct a full-fledged sequel.

Yes folks, nearly 30 years later, and we’re getting a sequel to Blade Runner…whether we want one or not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see more of a look into the dystopian future that Scott adapted from PKD, but for the life of me I can’t imagine a sequel in this day and age that could really carry the flame of what the original film was all about, even if it was directed by fucking Ridley Scott. Personally, I just think Scott’s gone crazy since he decided to direct the upcoming Alien prequel Prometheus (due out next year, and so far it looks wicked) and now he wants to return to the well so to speak by revisiting the genre and films that helped him make a name for himself in the first place.

Yet somehow, I kind of do want to see a Blade Runner sequel. As great as the original film was, it wasn’t quite all that faithful to the source material. I’d love to see a more faithful look at the world PKD visualized, and with what Scott was able to accomplish back in 1982, the sky is literally the limit as to what he and his crew could craft today.

No matter what happens, as of right now this is all hypothetical and only in the planning stages at best. This may never happen, and there’s a strong possibility that it may not. For all intents and purposes, Blade Runner is a cult classic that doesn’t have a gigantic following, even though it is a beloved film now and forever. If anything I always figured someone would get the bright idea to remake it…and now that I’ve said that, watch Scott drop out but the studio decide to go ahead and green light a remake…probably starring a douche bag from Twilight and be directed by Brett Ratner.

Shit…sorry for jinxing it folks.

George Lucas Gives "Star Wars" Fans the Finger...again

What’s there to say about “Star Wars” that hasn’t been said a billion times already. Whether you’re a die-hard fan of the franchise, casual viewer, or aren’t even a fan of the films and everything involved therein, you at least know a bit about the “Star Wars” saga. That’s because it’s become so ingrained in our culture and held near and dear by so many people that it’s practically become two steps away from being a fucking religion.

Oh yeah, the whole “Star Wars” saga is also being released on Blu-Ray for the first time ever…and creator George Lucas is making more changes and updates to his cash-cow in the process.

Fucking hell.

Now the fact that Lucas is making changes to the films themselves is little surprise, he’s been doing it for years. Way before the stink of his prequel films was ever smelt by anyone, Lucas already toyed around with the original film by altering the title of the opening scroll from simply saying “Star Wars” to “Episode IV: A New Hope”, along with famously altering the scene with Han Solo and Greedo by making Greedo shoot at Han first before Han blows his alien ass away. Over the years Lucas would release the original trilogy in “special editions” that would add new digital effects that he always wanted to do, but was limited by the technology of his time when the original films were first made.

When the original trilogy would hit DVD for the first time, Lucas made even more changes to the films. Most famously being replacing the actor playing the deceased Anakin “Darth Vader” Skywalker with a shot of actor Hayden Christensen in the closing moments of “Return of the Jedi”. We all figured that maybe this would be the end of Lucas tinkering with the finished products…but alas, we were wrong.

Among the new alterations to the original films are Vader ridiculously shouting “Nooooooo!!!!” when tossing the Emperor overboard in “Jedi”, Ewoks having moving eye-lids, Obi-Wan making a different sound to distract the Tuskan sand-raiders in the first film, extra rocks around R2-D2 (seriously), and Jabba the Hutt having a massive front door…yeah…what the fuck? Even the prequel films aren’t safe either, with Lucas removing the puppet-controlled Yoda from “Phantom Menace” and replacing him with an all-CGI take on the character, which is what he would opt for in the following two sequels…but still, why George, why?

It’s bad enough that Lucas has made so many alterations to the original films, but why the fuck must he keep on doing it for fuck’s sake? His reasoning is that these are “his” films, which undoubtedly they are, he created them and created a whole new franchise that has been cherished for decades now, but why must he keep on fucking tinkering with something so many hold so near and dear? With creating something to beloved, these films have become the publics to an extent. We love them, we love the mythology they spawned, and all the pop-culture resonations that popped up in the wake of them being released. In other words, stop fucking with our shit George.

When the films were first released on DVD, fans clamored the same sentiments that I am, with many begging for the chance that we’d get to see the original, unaltered cuts of the films we love so much. Lucas granted our wishes, more or less, by releasing them all separately in Letterbox format DVD’s that looked and sounded like they were recorded or burned from old VHS tapes. Yes folks, no matter what, George just keeps putting the dick to us, and he seemingly always will in one shape or form or another.

I’m not a die-hard “Star Wars” fan in the least, but I adore the original trilogy and hold them in an incredible high regard. All I can really say to the real die-hard “Star Wars” fans is to give Lucas the finger by not laying down the cash for the upcoming Blu-Ray releases of the “Star Wars” saga. Maybe if he sees how low the sales are for these altered takes on the films, he’ll take a fucking hint and really give his fans what they truly want. Then again…this is George Lucas we’re talking about, and he’s probably too damn busy counting all his money to really give a shit about what his fans want in the first fucking place.

We don't need another Terminator movie, thanks.

Do we really need another Terminator movie? Did we need Terminator: Salvation? Christ almighty, we didn’t even need Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines when you think about it. Since the “governator” himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger is finding his term as Governor of California coming to an end (presumably right before the people of California line up to lynch him), he’s briefly spoken about getting back into action movies. Yes sir, the pushing 70-years old former action blockbuster star wants to get back in the saddle, and of course, why not start with the franchise that he’s most well-known for in the first place.

Yup, there’s going to be a Terminator 5, whether we want it or not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love just about everything associated with the Terminator franchise. James Cameron’s first two films are among the most well-revered science-fiction/action films to ever see the light of day. Terminator 3 and Terminator: Salvation; not so much. The story should have rightfully ended with Terminator 2, which was always Cameron’s intention. However, when you think about the timeline of the Terminator flicks, you may be able to understand how the story can continue, even though it may cause your head to explode in the process. Human resistance leader John Connor only exists because his father, a soldier from the future, came back in time and nailed his mother. So in essence that causes a time paradox that seals the fate of the future. I really don’t want to talk about it at great length because discussing time-travel and future imperfects can cause some serious debate and head-fuckery, so maybe I’ll save all that for a later date.

From what’s been talked about with Terminator 5 so far is that the story will somehow involve a Terminator and/or John Connor traveling back in time to the present day shortly before Skynet takes over. But wait…didn’t Terminator 3 end with Connor and his future wife Kate hiding underground as Skynet started to take over? So are we going to have some kind of cross-over here? Is older John going to meet younger John? Is Arnold still going to be rocking biker leather? Is Christian Bale going to come back and scream at random people on the set?

These are the questions that inquiring Terminator fans want to know…you know, besides the obvious question…which is why do we need another fucking Terminator movie at all? Terminator: Salvation bombed and for all the good intentions it had, it was a failure in terms of keeping a franchise going, and even as a stand-alone sci-fi/actioner as well. Director Justin Lin, who has found franchise success with directing the last three Fast & The Furious movies, is attached to direct and has already met and spoken with Ah-nold about a Terminator 5 flick, so no matter what, the sequel is definitely on the horizon.

From a personal standpoint, my thoughts on Terminator 5 are none but my own. Back in 2003, I was so excited for Terminator 3 that I practically shit my pants in joy the first time I saw the trailer for it. In 2009, I generally looked forward to Terminator: Salvation because I thought it would be a fresh start for the series as it appeared that it would take things in brand new directions never thought before in any of the previous films. I was wrong about both of them in the end, so maybe you can understand why I personally don’t want another Terminator film doing more damage to the once highly-regarded franchise.

GET TO DA CHOPPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!