Why We Still Love "Mystery Science Theater 3000"

It's hard to believe that it's been over 15 years since "Mystery Science Theater 3000" left the airwaves. A show that somehow impossibly ran for over a decade between Comedy Central and The Sci-Fi Channel, MST3K touched a chord with viewers that enjoyed comedy, riffing, and movies in general. For some reason, even after all this time off of the air, the show still manages to resonate. Why is that exactly?

Well for starters, riffing on shitty movies never gets old. Like ever. Anyone can riff on a super shitty movie to help make the viewing experience of said shitty movie more enjoyable. That will never change, which you can tell considering MST3K leads Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett continue to riff on shit movies with Rifftrax (and in between MST3K and Rifftrax, the short lived The Film Crew).

As for MST3K itself, it's managed to stay relevant all these years later because it's just timeless. Riffing on movies is timeless in itself, but actually being legitimately funny in doing so helps make it all the more truly timeless. It helps that somehow a lot of the jokes made during specific films ("Werewolf", "Future War", "Manos: The Hands of Fate", and "The Beatniks" come to mind) somehow still manage to hold up. Don't ask me how, but they do. That in itself is a total fucking accomplishment and something that many, many other TV shows from the era fail to do.

I still watch old MST3K episodes, usually as background noise whether I'm working, reading, or masturbating. The fact that they're so readily available on physical media and online streaming just goes to show you that there's still a large demand for the show as a whole. Maybe one day Mike (or Joel) and the bots will make a true comeback. Could you imagine a new take on MST3K, with them watching newer shitfests or going back through the shitfest catalogue of yesteryear? I wish, I really, really, wish.

If you have only faded memories of MST3K, or never checked out the show at all, you missed the fuck out. Go remedy that. Right now. Thank me later...and thank YouTube and Shout! Factory too.

Why "Gotham" Sucks So Hard

Anyone here watch "Gotham"? Have any of you ever watched it? Or have some of you checked it out and eventually gave up? Or, if you're like me, you're sticking it out until the season concludes at least...not because I'm a masochist, but because part of me enjoys live-action train wrecks and when I check a show out I usually give it a full season before I decide to totally say fuck it.

In the case of "Gotham", I've come so close to prematurely pulling out (that wasn't written like that on purpose I swear) that I often wonder why I still continue to sit through it. I mean I've seen some shitty comic-based TV shows before, but "Gotham" may be the worst of the bunch. It makes "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." look like fucking "Casablanca", which in itself should tell you everything you need to know about "Gotham" if you've never seen it and have been the least bit curious about it.

For me, the biggest flaw of the show isn't necessarily its whole "Batman without Batman" style, it's the whole idea that Batman's whole rogues gallery was already at large way before Batman even showed up. That, and some flat out terrible writing that seems to cater more towards viewers that have little to no knowledge of anything Batman-related. We're 18 episodes in of the show's first season, and so far to some degree or another, we've met future Batman villains Catwoman, Riddler, Penguin, Joker (don't get me started on that episode), Scarecrow, Hush, Poison Ivy, Black Mask, Mr. Zsasz, Dollmaker, and Two-Face among others. Not to mention that we've had mention of the Venom juice that will one day help Bane become a roided up powerhouse, the reclassification of Dr. Leslie Tompkins from trusted Wayne ally to one-dimensional love interest to Jim Gordon, a pointless appearance from the future parents of Dick Grayson, and character motivations that are so paper-thin that you end up becoming left to wonder if Batman really could save this city from itself in the future.

But the one thing that irks me about "Gotham" the most, the one single thing that really ruins this whole shitfest excuse of a TV show for me personally is something that some if not most of you will probably find as being the least consequential: making the murder of the Wayne family part of some corporate conspiracy. Now I saw this "plot twist" coming a mile away since the pilot episode, and now that it's been confirmed that Gotham City is so fucking dirty that a mega-conglomerate company's board of directors would conspire to kill its CEO and wife, it makes my head want to explode.

Why you ask? Because taking the murder of the Wayne's and changing it from a tragic event into something that's part of a conspiracy ruins the whole aspect of Batman in itself. The randomness of what happens to Bruce's parents is the true tragedy because it is directly responsible for him becoming Batman when he grows up. The random senselessness of it all puts Bruce on a mission that is never-ending: fighting crime. The same thing applies to The Punisher as well. Any media where Frank Castle's family is killed by anything other than a random event is the absolute wrong thing to do. When you take away the randomness of the act that sets these characters into becoming what they are, you take away the true tragedy of the event, and what happens after when they dedicate the rest of their lives to being violent vigilantes.

In that aspect alone, "Gotham" is a failure.

In other aspects, the show is still a failure. Do we need to see a young Riddler that somehow works for the police and is two steps away from being a date-rapist? Do we need to see a young Penguin that acts more like the fucking Joker than any of us could possibly imagine Penguin to be? In all honesty are there any characters on this show we give a shit about? Harvey Bullock is the morally flexible dirty cop that did a complete 180 from wanting to kill Gordon to wanting to help him with no explanation ever given. Gordon himself is a total asshole that we already know will never make a difference on his own, because the police department doesn't get cleaned up (nor does the city) until Batman begins appearing, so we have no reason to root for him at all. Young Bruce is annoying as hell, young Catwoman is too but at least her stories tend to be somewhat interesting, while beleaguered butler Alfred is probably the only character on the show I give two shits about. The whole mob angles with Fish Mooney, Carmine Falcone, and Sal Maroni is a bore...although for no reason we got to see Jeffrey "Re-Animator" Combs get turned into a woman. Yes, you read that sentence right.

I remember reading that there was a pitch about a "Batman without Batman"-type show revolving around Gordon and other GCPD cops...only this would take place while Batman is in his prime. We'd follow various cops living in this world as they deal with street-level crime that Batman can't always be around to stop, sort of like the "Gotham Central" comic series that was pretty good from what I recall. Seeing this in TV form would have at least been much more interesting than anything "Gotham" has had to offer thus far, that's for damn sure. But alas, this is what we got instead, and it looks like Fox is going to keep pimping this show for quite some time.

I know I've been doing nothing but shitting all over "Gotham" throughout this whole thing, but there is maybe one thing that can be done to save this from being a pointless cavalcade of colon-cleansed fecal matter: writing baby Bruce out of the show.

Just think about it: Bruce decides it's best for him to leave Gotham City for a long while, and he departs and we don't see him for some time. The whole sub-plot with his family's company is left in the rear-view mirror, and Gordon, Bullock, etc. are left to contend with day-to-day life in the crime infested world of Gotham City. Maybe time flies in a season or two and they jump ahead a few years. Then when maybe they get ready to wrap the show up, Bruce comes back home all grown up and educated in what makes criminals a superstitious and cowardly lot. Gordon comes to the conclusion that no matter what he does to try to make the city and the police department a better place, he's just one man in a sea of corruption and he can't do it all alone anymore. Bruce sits in his father's study at night pondering his next move and how to strike fear into the heart of the criminal underworld...when a bat comes crashing through the glass window into his face.

"Yes father, I shall become a bat..."

End of show. It would be a perfect conclusion.

In one paragraph I just put more thought into the series as a whole than a whole team of writers has in one season. You're welcome Fox. I'm available for script work whenever you need me.

Reviewing the Third Season of "The Walking Dead"

Hello assholes, it's been a while I know. But since I'm back from the dead for time being, let's talk about the "dead" shall we? Case in point, the third season of "The Walking Dead". If anything from the time it started, this was a season in which it seemed like the fans got what they wanted from the get-go...before it felt like everything turned to shit and what seemed like so much promise that was built up just became nothing more than wasted potential. Be warned that spoilers are ahead for anyone who hasn't watched the third season yet, so read at your own risk.

Like I said, throughout the season it felt like the fans got they wanted in terms of a few things: Lori and Andrea get killed in horrible ways, Carol isn't annoying anymore, Merle comes back, and there's more Daryl. We also got to see what happened to Morgan, Michonne kicked ass, and after a bit of a rocky start, we saw The Governor become a pretty damn good villain. But for all the promise this season delivered, so much of it became wasted potential.

While we finally got to see Michonne and The Governor, it took a while for their characterizations to really make their mark. When they did though, both characters became magnetic and some of the best parts of this season. Their bloody showdown in Woodbury set the stage for The Governor really losing his shit, and his thirst for revenge against Michonne was wonderfully orchestrated.

On the other side of that, we got to see both Lori and Andrea bite the big one, and oh how satisfying it was. While Lori died in childbirth and Andrea died from being a fucking idiot, both deaths proved satisfying as both characters had become just so goddamn annoying and far from their comic book counterparts that seeing them both meet their demise was worth the wait. My biggest gripe with "The Walking Dead" in television form is how different the characters are portrayed on the show than they are in the comic: case in point Andrea. In the comic, she's awesome. She's a strong-willed, intelligent, and cool under pressure character that has been a fan favorite for years. On the show, she's a selfish bitch whose motivations change at the drop of the hat. With her dead now, maybe that will be the end of the show's tradition of poorly written female characters. Then again, probably not.

While I've chastised the show for veering down different paths than the comic, seeing Andrea die was a welcome deviation. Some things that made me want to pull my hair out, like The Governor still being alive, irked the shit out of me. Add to that what they've done to Carl lately, and I'm torn between yawning to myself and saying "this is fucking stupid" whenever I watch an episode. The fact that the show is now veering further from the comic also sets up a feeling of not knowing what to expect to happen next, which is one of the few reasons I continue to watch the show, just for the fact that I don't know what the fuck is going to happen next.

With all that said and done, the one thing I absolutely cannot stand is how AMC keeps on slashing the budget of the show. Glen Mazarra, who was the showrunner up to the end of this season, was shit-canned in favor of a showrunner who will make the show more "character driven", which is code for someone who will keep things going with only half the budget at his disposal. This isn't a surprise, considering AMC shitcanned Frank Darabont over the fallout the show's budget getting slashed because AMC is apparently run by "Mad Men" (other AMC shows, like "Breaking Bad" suffered the same fate, while "The Killing" got cancelled), but neither of those shows are the ratings juggernaut that "The Walking Dead" is. It's just infuriating that once again, here we are with budget cuts, all so "Mad Men" can keep moving forward.

All that aside, this season of "The Walking Dead" wasn't as much of a letdown as the second season was, as viewers got what they wanted for the most part, despite a particularly disappointing season finale.

Let's hope things get better come October, though I've got a sinking feeling that they probably won't.

Shit I've Learned in 27 Years

Just yesterday, July 22, I turned 27 years old. Yes sir, I’m pushing 30…and no one is more surprised that I’ve lived this long than me, thank you very fucking much. Anyway, in my 27 years of life on this Earth, there have been a number of things that I’ve realized over the years, most of which haven’t changed in that time, and probably won’t for the foreseeable future either. So here we are with a list of shit I’ve come to realize in my 27 years of hedonistic existence, so strap yourselves in folks and fucks.

Shit I’ve realized in 27 years:



Pulling out isn’t always the best option

The douche-y jock in high school is still a douche today; he just drives a pickup truck now

There is no better destination for scripted “reality” television and teenage exploitation than MTV, now more than ever

Chewing tobacco is, and always will be, the most trashy and disgusting shit in the history of mankind

It’s never a good idea to light up a sparkler in a meth lab

You can meet all kinds of interesting people in prison

“The Matrix” movies are fucking stupid, especially after you discover all the other films and media the Wachowski Brothers ripped off to create it

Poking holes in your friend’s condom stash with a thumbtack is an awesome prank

Performing “Jackass”-type stunts is always funny

Telling chicks you’re Batman will not get you laid

Telling chicks you know Batman will not get you laid

Calling your car the Batmobile will not get you laid

Using your first name followed by “mobile” (i.e., Nickmobile) to point your car out to a chick will not get you laid

Baby oil and candle wax are a recipe for fucking disaster

Hipsters are new-age beatniks but are nowhere near as cool and are twice as self-indulgent

Just because you’re able to knock stuff off your table with your schlong does not make you special, even if it is fun to do

Not everyone thinks “Beavis & Butt-Head” is funny

People who don’t like “Beavis & Butt-Head” have no sense of humor and take life too seriously

Just because a stripper happens to be a midget does not mean that you can throw quarters or 50-cent pieces at her instead of dollar bills

If it often burns when you pee you should see a doctor and frequent Baby Dolls in Douglassville all the less often

No one thinks I’m funny



Well, that’s all fucks! See y’all in the funnybooks…

The Walking Dead: Season Review & Retrospect

WARNING: Spoilers are ahead, for both the first season of "The Walking Dead", as well as the comic from which it is based, as I attempt to predict what happens next.

The dead will rise...

...and boy how they have!

The first season of AMC's "The Walking Dead" has wrapped up, albeit it didn't take long considering that this season only consisted of six episodes. Nevertheless, for the course of this six-episode season, executive producer Frank Darabont and comic series creator Robert Kirkman have managed to craft a great adaptation of Kirkman's beloved comic series. After last night's finale however, just how faithful the show will be to the source material will remain to be seen...maybe.

Within the first six issues of the comic, Rick managed to re-unite with his family, and his old police partner Shane, along with other survivors like Andrea and Dale. While the show has retained these elements, the one thing that it hasn't done (at least not yet) is present the struggle and fatal blow-up between Rick and Shane. The first storyarc of the comic concluded with Rick's young son Carl killing Shane in defense of his father, who had gone a little looney over his affair with Rick's wife Lori coming to an abrupt end. While the show seems to be headed in that direction, I had almost figured that Shane would be wormfood by the finale, but he managed to escape the CDC with Rick and company before it erupted in flames.

On that subject, the fact that the crew went to the CDC is something that was NEVER in the comic. Kirkman himself stated that he had no idea the CDC was even based in Atlanta, even though a majority of the series takes place in Georgia and surrounding areas. Still, it was an interesting twist on the series thus far, which leads me to my next question to ponder: just what did Jenner whisper to Rick before everyone made a run for it?

My thoughts on what Jenner whispered to Rick is plain and simple, and will bring up the first major plot point of the show thus far: Lori is pregnant. In the comic, Lori revealed her pregnancy not long after Shane died, but the question abounded as to whether or not the baby was Rick's or Shane's. Considering that Jenner took blood tests from everyone upon entering the CDC, and his somewhat strage reply to Rick when he asked Jenner about the results, he more than likely told her that she's expecting. Another theory may be that Jenner saw Shane's drunken attempted assault on Lori. The building was wired and monitored, and maybe Jenner saw and/or heard the discussion between the two. Either way, I'll be wracking my head about it until next season.

Another plot point that I'm dying to see resolved is just what happened to Merle? We know he lopped off his own hand and made a run out of Atlanta, but after that is anyone's guess. There has been a lot of internet chatter that Merle is going to become the Governor. Anyone who has read the comic knows the kind of impact that the Governor had on Rick and company, and considering he's missing a hand, maybe his revenge on Rick will be lopping off his hand too, especially considering that Rick does horribly lose his hand in the comic.

The Governor, as well as the crew's time living in the shelter of the prison they discover, are two absolutely major story elements that really made the comic so incredible and unlike any other zombie/horror comic to hit the market before or since. Some of the other differences between the comic and the show include new characters like Merle and his brother Darrel, Andrea not being anywhere near as strong-willed on the show as she was in the comic (in the comic she killed her sister Amy before she ever came close to turning), and Shane comes off as way more sympathetic here than he ever did in the comic either. I know that Frank Darabont wants to make things more dramatic for the sake of TV, but if the prison AND Governor points are never touched upon, my interest in the show will seriously wane.

All that aside, this first season of "The Walking Dead" has been surprisingly impressive, and here's hoping that the best is yet to come...

...otherwise I'm going to be fucking pissed.