Bert & Ernie: My Big Fat Gay Puppet Wedding (Maybe)

Just recently it was announced that there is a petition going around to have legendary Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie get married on an episode of the show.

Yes, you read that right.

The long running PBS program, responsible for generations of young children getting their first true taste of education via the idiot box known as television, is being petitioned to have the seemingly longtime lifemates stop living in sin and make it official by having a big fat puppet wedding. Naturally, there’s ruckus from both sides of pro and anti-gay marriage having hissy fits over the whole damn thing…which if you really try to think about it is pretty fucking stupid to begin with. Even though I doubt that PBS would actually go through with such a thing happening (they did have a shitfit about Katy Perry’s cleavage after all) the idea in itself is a wholeheartedly interesting one.

First off, let me say one thing about the idea of gay marriage itself before my head explodes talking in detail about the possibility of male puppets getting hitched. I am a big supporter of gay marriage for a lot of different reasons, but I can’t really outline them in nearly as much great detail as already done by comedian Chris Rock in one of his HBO stand-up acts. To paraphrase Rock in a nutshell, gays should have every right that straight people do in terms of getting married and being miserable for the rest of their lives. Not to mention the fact that the supposed “sacred institution” of marriage is complete bullshit, at least here in America that is. What is so goddamn sacred about marriage if the idea of it is frequently exploited on bullshit reality TV shows like “The Bachelor”, “The Bachelorette”, “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” or one of the countless other clones of the like. What’s so sacred about marriage in America when it’s used to draw in mindless viewers, ratings, and money? Bringing God and religion into the equation only causes my head to yearn to explode more, mostly due to the fact if two people, regardless of if they are the same sex or not, love each other enough to want to take that kind of plunge, they absolutely should regardless of who deems it right or wrong. If two people generally love each other and are of the same sex, then rightfully no one should give a shit. God-heads and uber-religious douche bags will cry about this, but that’s a story for another day…

Anyway, back to Bert and fucking Ernie. When I was very young, I watched a lot of Sesame Street, and learned a lot to boot, which is what the fucking show is about after all. I understand the concept of having Bert and Ernie tie the knot, in an effort to teach children from a young age tolerance and understanding of same-sex relationships, to teach them that there really is nothing wrong with such relationships, as well as to teach them that everyone is wired different in some way, shape, or form; and that above all else, to never be afraid to admit who they are or want to hide who they are. Personally, growing up I always thought Bert and Ernie were brothers, but you learn something new every day it seems.

The flipside to this whole idea however is the fact remains: these are fucking puppets we’re talking about here. Do puppets even have a sexual orientation to begin with? Should they even have a sexual orientation? Granted that Miss Piggy has been yearning to suck in Kermit’s green frog balls since the dawn of time, but how many other instances of puppet on puppet action can you think of? (And don’t you dare say “Team America” either). Remember that Sesame Street is an educational children’s program, and perhaps introducing these ideals of sexual orientation is a bit too early in the lives of the age-bracket of the kids that watch the show. No matter the case this is a slippery road of debate to traverse upon, but there is one thing that we can all agree on here…

…they’re fucking puppets.

But hey, they’re happy puppets, and maybe that’s the lesson we should all learn from this: no matter whom you are, no matter your sexual orientation, no matter your race, or creed, or whatever the hell else you may be; the most important thing is that to truly be happy in life, you need to truly be yourself.

See? Even after all these years, Sesame Street is still taking us to school and teaching us shit. You’ve gotta love it.

Shit I've Learned in 27 Years

Just yesterday, July 22, I turned 27 years old. Yes sir, I’m pushing 30…and no one is more surprised that I’ve lived this long than me, thank you very fucking much. Anyway, in my 27 years of life on this Earth, there have been a number of things that I’ve realized over the years, most of which haven’t changed in that time, and probably won’t for the foreseeable future either. So here we are with a list of shit I’ve come to realize in my 27 years of hedonistic existence, so strap yourselves in folks and fucks.

Shit I’ve realized in 27 years:



Pulling out isn’t always the best option

The douche-y jock in high school is still a douche today; he just drives a pickup truck now

There is no better destination for scripted “reality” television and teenage exploitation than MTV, now more than ever

Chewing tobacco is, and always will be, the most trashy and disgusting shit in the history of mankind

It’s never a good idea to light up a sparkler in a meth lab

You can meet all kinds of interesting people in prison

“The Matrix” movies are fucking stupid, especially after you discover all the other films and media the Wachowski Brothers ripped off to create it

Poking holes in your friend’s condom stash with a thumbtack is an awesome prank

Performing “Jackass”-type stunts is always funny

Telling chicks you’re Batman will not get you laid

Telling chicks you know Batman will not get you laid

Calling your car the Batmobile will not get you laid

Using your first name followed by “mobile” (i.e., Nickmobile) to point your car out to a chick will not get you laid

Baby oil and candle wax are a recipe for fucking disaster

Hipsters are new-age beatniks but are nowhere near as cool and are twice as self-indulgent

Just because you’re able to knock stuff off your table with your schlong does not make you special, even if it is fun to do

Not everyone thinks “Beavis & Butt-Head” is funny

People who don’t like “Beavis & Butt-Head” have no sense of humor and take life too seriously

Just because a stripper happens to be a midget does not mean that you can throw quarters or 50-cent pieces at her instead of dollar bills

If it often burns when you pee you should see a doctor and frequent Baby Dolls in Douglassville all the less often

No one thinks I’m funny



Well, that’s all fucks! See y’all in the funnybooks…

Why Your Dick and Electrical Sockets Don't Mix

Yes, you read that title right.

Earlier today I stumbled upon a conversation a couple of my co-workers were having about porn.

Yup, porn.

No guy wants to admit it, but to some degree, none of us would be who we are were it not for porn. Every guy has that moment in their young lives when they first discover porn and the allure of naked ladies, and like a drug, sometimes you just can't get enough, especially when you're young and fucking is about the only thing on your mind.

Which brings me back to my first experiences stumbling upon pornography. Kids today have it easy, considering the internet is the easiest access to watching filthy acts of sexual satisfaction. For me and most of my generation, we had to get it the old fashioned way: either from someone older who could actually get it for you (whether it be a mag or a VHS) or from the nigh-mythical "porn discovered in the woods" (which deserves to be talked about by itself...some other time).

Being in my early teens and getting my hands on an issue of Hustler for the first time, I recall there being ads for sex toys in the back pages of the mag. Since this is a porn mag aimed at guys however, you wouldn't expect to find ads for your run of the mill dildo or vibrator, but instead there were depictions of these things called "pocket pussy's". Yup, a pocket sized device that you could be able to stick your schlong in and fuck...and take it on the go!

Pathetic? To a degree I suppose, but what really caught my attention here was a special electronic brand of pocket pussy, which plugged directly into your electrical socket outlet. From what I recall, the electric current made it vibrate and as the add stated "feels like the real thing!".

I bet it does.

Anyway, consider for a moment, just a moment, that someone would actually buy this thing and try it out. Could you imagine getting down on your knees to stick your dick in this thing that's plugged into the wall? Think of all the dangers that go into doing this sort of thing...like what if there's a storm outside and your electric gets blown (no pun intended) or shorted out...while you're using this fucking thing! Electricution is a horrible way to die to begin with...but eletricuted via your dick being stuck in an electrical outlet? Holy fucking shit!

That was the first thought that went through my head when I saw this ad, and all these years later it's still managed to linger in my brain somehow. Not just that, but also what would other people think when they find and/or hear about how you died? Like if someone discovers your electricuted corpse, with your dick still inside the thing! It'd be a hell of a thing for the paramedics, coroner, and police to talk about amongst themselves, but then the inevitable event of your family learning of your demise, and just what led to it...

Talk about an embarassing way to die...I wonder if anyone who came across that ad ever thought the same thing...

...or ended up buying the goddamn thing for that matter!

The moral of the story here kids?...we all have to die sometime, and more than likely we may not have a hand in just how it happens to us, but whatever you do with your life up until those final moments where you take your last breath...don't be caught with your dick in the electrical socket!

Skeet skeet skeet...