Gays Should Get Married...and the Real Reasons Why Those That Are Against Gay Marriage Are Really Against It

Oh my dear sweet God, gays want to get married? Where the hell do these heathens get off wanting to have the same rights as everyone else? Jesus Christ they’re almost as bad as those people that aren’t white. Next thing you know they’ll wanna vote too…

Now, you probably know not to take any of what I just said seriously in the least right? Anyway, one thing that boggled my mind lately is the wave of bigotries to come out in the media and politics lately, whether it’s one form or another of bashing against women, blacks, non-Christians, and most of all it seems, gays. North Carolina decided to do what we all figured they would do and ban gay marriage, as well as put the collective dick in the ass of anyone else they don’t recognize as being fit enough to get hitched in their lovely ass-backwards state where the only life forms that should be getting cornholed are the local farm sheep and Bubba Ray’s cousin.

Anyway, the very next damn day President Barack Obama himself stunned everyone it seems (really?) by going on national television and declaring that gays should have the right to get married goddamnit. Now I know that Obama is pretty much only declaring this now because it won’t be too long until we’ll all have to cast our votes again, and his opposition is the typical brand of Republican bigot (plus he’s an alleged bully and animal abuser, so the people of North Carolina should love him), so it’s not like Obama didn’t already have their votes, but I digress.

The point I’m trying to make here is that homosexuals DESERVE to be able to get married. The fact that gays getting hitched aren’t recognized in every state across the country is a fucking travesty. Why am I getting on my soapbox in support of gay marriage you ask? Because let’s be honest, gay married couples have as much right to be as miserable as heterosexual married couples. The fact that we don’t let them in on the non-fun of marriage isn’t just a slap in the face to homosexuals, but a slap in the face to heterosexuals, because goddamnit, misery loves company.

Once again, I wind up being ridiculous on a serious subject. Anyway, the major argument that we hear from people opposed to gay marriage is that “marriage is a sacred institution”. Let’s get one thing out in the open right now folks, there is no such thing as marriage being sacred, especially here in America. If marriage were so sacred, the divorce rate wouldn’t be way over 50%, which it has been for quite some time, and it isn’t going to substantially go down any time soon either. Not to mention the fact that as America, we are the land of reality TV. We have shows like “The Bachelor”, “The Bachelorette”, “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire”, and plenty more besides. TV shows based in “reality” (that really aren’t) that take something as “sacred” as marriage between a man and a woman and turn it into entertainment for idiots. Does that still make it sacred? Really? No, I don’t fucking think so folks.

The whole idea of marriage between a man and a woman only and that it’s sacred, where do we get it from? The same book full of bad ideas that we’ve taken so many ideas and laws from before: the good ‘ol Bible. Now I’m not going to knock anyone’s faith here, as everyone has the right to believe in whatever the hell they want to, but one thing that people need and should have realized a long time ago that the Bible more than anything is a basic guide on how people should live, i.e. people and civilization back during the time it was written, not in the modern day.

Too many have taken the words of the Bible far too literally, using them and misconstruing them to their own devices and personal gains. Where has it gotten us as a society? Its split us up and made groups of people hate each other because they believe in different things. The majority of those that follow the Bible in a literal sense often cite that it’s said that, and I’m paraphrasing here, “man should not lay with another man” or something to that effect, automatically meaning that homosexuality is wrong and anyone practicing it should be killed automatically, that is if you take the story of Sodom & Gomorrah in the most literal of senses as well. Why is this however? Because back then, no one understood homosexuality and thought it an anomaly, but look back through history and you’ll see that it’s as much a constant as human beings are. Not to mention the fact that homosexuality is recorded in animal wildlife as well. In other words, it’s as natural as heterosexuality, and these close-minded people refuse to accept it because they refuse to see it as being anything other than wrong.

Also, one last thing about the Bible to throw around, consider this when one takes everything from it in such a literal sense. The Old Testament God was a vengeful, almost evil prick of a god that exerted His omnipotence to the point that it seemed He enjoyed making those who worshipped him suffer. Anyone that went against His words was up shit creek without a paddle and went without forgiveness. The God presented in the New Testament is much more forgiving, and makes it known that you can fuck up and be a scumbucket, but goddamnit; you have to feel guilty about it. When the Old Testament was originally written, humanity as a whole were practically baboons in terms of how they lived. They needed a structural guidance to live by and needed to be kept in some sort of check because they weren’t civilized at all. By the time the New Testament was conjured up, people had changed and weren’t as bat-shit insane as they’d been when the Old Testament was first written, and decided that that shit was just way too strict to keep going by. So, they came up with the New Testament, and decided “Let’s go have some fun, but pretend we feel bad about it afterwards to keep everything straight, okay guys? Great, let’s go nail these whores while our wives cook back home.”

So you see, taking it all in such a literal sense gets you FUCKING NOWHERE, so stop citing religious texts as a way to hide your own prejudice and fear of homosexuality. They’re people just like you and me, and if they want to get married then goddamnit, they should be allowed to. In the long run, I honestly do believe that within the next decade or so, we’ll be ashamed of ourselves as we look back at the fact that this was ever such a big issue in the first fucking place.



We now return you to your regularly scheduled dick & fart jokes.

Bert & Ernie: My Big Fat Gay Puppet Wedding (Maybe)

Just recently it was announced that there is a petition going around to have legendary Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie get married on an episode of the show.

Yes, you read that right.

The long running PBS program, responsible for generations of young children getting their first true taste of education via the idiot box known as television, is being petitioned to have the seemingly longtime lifemates stop living in sin and make it official by having a big fat puppet wedding. Naturally, there’s ruckus from both sides of pro and anti-gay marriage having hissy fits over the whole damn thing…which if you really try to think about it is pretty fucking stupid to begin with. Even though I doubt that PBS would actually go through with such a thing happening (they did have a shitfit about Katy Perry’s cleavage after all) the idea in itself is a wholeheartedly interesting one.

First off, let me say one thing about the idea of gay marriage itself before my head explodes talking in detail about the possibility of male puppets getting hitched. I am a big supporter of gay marriage for a lot of different reasons, but I can’t really outline them in nearly as much great detail as already done by comedian Chris Rock in one of his HBO stand-up acts. To paraphrase Rock in a nutshell, gays should have every right that straight people do in terms of getting married and being miserable for the rest of their lives. Not to mention the fact that the supposed “sacred institution” of marriage is complete bullshit, at least here in America that is. What is so goddamn sacred about marriage if the idea of it is frequently exploited on bullshit reality TV shows like “The Bachelor”, “The Bachelorette”, “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” or one of the countless other clones of the like. What’s so sacred about marriage in America when it’s used to draw in mindless viewers, ratings, and money? Bringing God and religion into the equation only causes my head to yearn to explode more, mostly due to the fact if two people, regardless of if they are the same sex or not, love each other enough to want to take that kind of plunge, they absolutely should regardless of who deems it right or wrong. If two people generally love each other and are of the same sex, then rightfully no one should give a shit. God-heads and uber-religious douche bags will cry about this, but that’s a story for another day…

Anyway, back to Bert and fucking Ernie. When I was very young, I watched a lot of Sesame Street, and learned a lot to boot, which is what the fucking show is about after all. I understand the concept of having Bert and Ernie tie the knot, in an effort to teach children from a young age tolerance and understanding of same-sex relationships, to teach them that there really is nothing wrong with such relationships, as well as to teach them that everyone is wired different in some way, shape, or form; and that above all else, to never be afraid to admit who they are or want to hide who they are. Personally, growing up I always thought Bert and Ernie were brothers, but you learn something new every day it seems.

The flipside to this whole idea however is the fact remains: these are fucking puppets we’re talking about here. Do puppets even have a sexual orientation to begin with? Should they even have a sexual orientation? Granted that Miss Piggy has been yearning to suck in Kermit’s green frog balls since the dawn of time, but how many other instances of puppet on puppet action can you think of? (And don’t you dare say “Team America” either). Remember that Sesame Street is an educational children’s program, and perhaps introducing these ideals of sexual orientation is a bit too early in the lives of the age-bracket of the kids that watch the show. No matter the case this is a slippery road of debate to traverse upon, but there is one thing that we can all agree on here…

…they’re fucking puppets.

But hey, they’re happy puppets, and maybe that’s the lesson we should all learn from this: no matter whom you are, no matter your sexual orientation, no matter your race, or creed, or whatever the hell else you may be; the most important thing is that to truly be happy in life, you need to truly be yourself.

See? Even after all these years, Sesame Street is still taking us to school and teaching us shit. You’ve gotta love it.