Rest in Peace Darwyn Cooke

We've lost Darwyn Cooke. If you're asking yourself who that is, prepare to be educated:

Darwyn Cooke was a comic book artist, known primarily for his work with DC Comics. He first came to my attention when "The New Frontier" series had originally launched. What attracted me to it was Cooke's distinct style: a pseudo-retro design for characters and panels that both at once combined elements of the Golden and Silver Ages of comics, as well as a modern take. His work was truly unique, and in all honesty, something that I was initially put off by. Over time though, Cooke's work grew on me quite a bit, and it wasn't long before I began tracking down as much of his work as I could.

He'd worked in animation (for the animated adaptations of Batman, Superman, and Batman Beyond) and did other comic work on series' and characters including Catwoman, The Spirit, Spider-Man, and more besides. Everything Cooke touched was a thing of beauty from a visual standpoint, and alas, he's been taken from us far, far too soon.

Rest in peace Darwyn Cooke. My thoughts and hopes go out to your family. Your work will live on forever though, of that there is no doubt.

Fuck cancer.

The Good & The Bad About An Animated "Killing Joke"

You know all about "The Killing Joke".

What many consider to be the greatest Batman story of all time, Alan Moore and Brian Bolland's classic tale is going to be the next animated DC movie. And it features Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill reprising their roles as Batman and Joker respectively. Oh, and it's rated R.

Holy shit this is actually happening.

I've loved a majority of DC's animated flicks, most notably "Wonder Woman", "Under the Red Hood", "Batman: Year One", "The Dark Knight Returns", and "The Flashpoint Paradox" among others. Seeing "The Killing Joke" get the same kind of treatment is something I've always wanted to see, although I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any concerns.

It's the fact that knowing this film is rated R, could it be solely because of the infamous Barbara scene? There's always been a slight hint that Joker may have raped Barbara after shooting her and stripping her to take those pictures in an effort to drive Gordon mad, but it was only ever a slight hint and never spelled directly out at the reader. I'm concerned that maybe that whole scene could become even more exploitative; so much so that it loses that impact the scene in the comic had and totally misses the point.

Other than that, I'm truly excited to see "The Killing Joke" in animated form. I'm excited to see one of the best Batman stories ever appear on screen, and featuring the voices of Conroy and Hamill too no less. Hell, I'm more excited for this than I was for "Batman V Superman" (and I'm one of the very few people that liked that film) or any other comic book blockbuster to hit theaters any time this year.

Get ready folks. With any luck, we'll get animated adaptations of "Kingdom Come" and "Hush" in the near future among the many other DC stories that deserve the treatment.

Real Thoughts on BATMAN V SUPERMAN

So, "Batman V Superman" finally came out, and as expected, audiences are pretty much polarized. What wasn't expected was all the hate seemingly being thrown at the film. Yes we get it: it's not a Marvel movie. It's dark, and gritty, and rarely holds back. It has a pair of balls on it the size of the fucking Statue of Liberty. Coming off of "Man of Steel", a film in which Superman killed Zod, we have a film with a brutal Batman and even features a dream sequence in which Batman kills people and Superman burns insurgents alive.

Yeah, this isn't a typical take on either character. You know what though? Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's just me, but I've grown kind of tired of the bubblegum, lightweight universe of the Marvel films. I'm not shitting on them, I've just gotten bored with them: in the end, they're all the same shit. "Age of Ultron", "Ant-Man", "Thor: The Dark World", and even "Guardians of the Galaxy" to a much lesser extent, all bored me to tears.

You can say whatever you want to about "Batman V Superman", but one thing it isn't is boring. It's not a perfect film by any stretch of the imagination. There's editing problems, big story problems, plot holes aplenty, and some big leaps in logic. That being said, it's still a live-action comic book brought to life, which is what these films are supposed to be in the first place. Ben Affleck is surprisingly wonderful as Batman, Jeremy Irons is awesome as Alfred, Jesse Eisenberg isn't too bad as Luthor, and when Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman first appears...well, I won't lie, I had a nerdgasm. Seeing Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman all on screen at the same time made me smile ear to ear. That in itself is an accomplishment.

So yeah, if you didn't like "Man of Steel", you won't like "Batman V Superman" one bit. If you did however like "Man of Steel"...you'll more than likely dig this more. Either way, don't believe all the haters. Check it out and see for yourself.

10 Years of "Batman Begins"

It’s really hard to believe that it’s been a decade since Christopher Nolan’s “Batman Begins” hit theaters. The first big-screen take on Batman since 1997’s cinematic abortion “Batman & Robin” had a lot to fulfill for fanboys and regular moviegoers alike, especially considering what all had come before it. Tim Burton’s 1989 “Batman” is still considered the definitive take on the character, and while it still is for me to a degree, there’s something about “Batman Begins” that ever so slightly edges it out.

Gone was the gothic atmosphere and art deco set design. In its place was a sense of realism that a Batman movie had never had before. Looking back, this was for the best, especially considering the ridiculousness of “Batman Forever” and “Batman & Robin”. We were given a suit and gadgets that were based on military technology, adding to the realistic tone, and it worked. Nearly everything in the film worked…except for the twist of the real Ra’s Al Ghul (I saw that coming a mile away when I first laid eyes on Liam Neeson, it’s the beard man). That aside, this was the best modern take on Batman that we could have hoped for thus far.

Speaking of Ra’s, the other thing that “Batman Begins” did really well was present us two iconic villains that had never been on film before with him and The Scarecrow, and it did it in a realistic and believable way. Granted that Scarecrow’s exit from the film is abrupt and Batman’s final showdown with Ra’s I always found to be a bit underwhelming, but that’s beside the point. For a majority of the film’s two and a half hour running time, it doesn’t relent much, and that’s a good thing.

The casting is mostly good. Say what you will about Christian Bale overdoing the voice, because he does, but he’s a believable Batman in terms of sheer physicality. Katie Holmes sucks; we all already knew that, but Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Neeson, and Cillian Murphy are pitch perfect as Alfred, Gordon, Ra’s, and Scarecrow respectively. We couldn’t have asked for better casting choices for any of them.

Now granted, I do tend to enjoy “The Dark Knight” more than “Batman Begins”, mainly because of Heath Ledger’s timeless take as Joker, but looking back on it; “Batman Begins” is the superior film, only by a hair. It’s the perfect superhero origin story on film, and it hits all the main points without it being overblown or missing the mark. “Iron Man” comes close as being a perfect take on a cinematic origin, but “Batman Begins” tops it with its villains and overall sense of realism.

I could keep singing its praises, but most of you already know how great “Batman Begins” is already. Nolan’s trilogy is a whole is still the best live-action representation of Batman to this day, even if “The Dark Knight Rises” falters to the point of close to mediocrity. If you’ve never seen it for some reason, you need to. “Batman Begins” is the best pure origin story of a superhero on film, and remains one of the greatest comic book film adaptations of all time.

Why "Gotham" Sucks So Hard

Anyone here watch "Gotham"? Have any of you ever watched it? Or have some of you checked it out and eventually gave up? Or, if you're like me, you're sticking it out until the season concludes at least...not because I'm a masochist, but because part of me enjoys live-action train wrecks and when I check a show out I usually give it a full season before I decide to totally say fuck it.

In the case of "Gotham", I've come so close to prematurely pulling out (that wasn't written like that on purpose I swear) that I often wonder why I still continue to sit through it. I mean I've seen some shitty comic-based TV shows before, but "Gotham" may be the worst of the bunch. It makes "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." look like fucking "Casablanca", which in itself should tell you everything you need to know about "Gotham" if you've never seen it and have been the least bit curious about it.

For me, the biggest flaw of the show isn't necessarily its whole "Batman without Batman" style, it's the whole idea that Batman's whole rogues gallery was already at large way before Batman even showed up. That, and some flat out terrible writing that seems to cater more towards viewers that have little to no knowledge of anything Batman-related. We're 18 episodes in of the show's first season, and so far to some degree or another, we've met future Batman villains Catwoman, Riddler, Penguin, Joker (don't get me started on that episode), Scarecrow, Hush, Poison Ivy, Black Mask, Mr. Zsasz, Dollmaker, and Two-Face among others. Not to mention that we've had mention of the Venom juice that will one day help Bane become a roided up powerhouse, the reclassification of Dr. Leslie Tompkins from trusted Wayne ally to one-dimensional love interest to Jim Gordon, a pointless appearance from the future parents of Dick Grayson, and character motivations that are so paper-thin that you end up becoming left to wonder if Batman really could save this city from itself in the future.

But the one thing that irks me about "Gotham" the most, the one single thing that really ruins this whole shitfest excuse of a TV show for me personally is something that some if not most of you will probably find as being the least consequential: making the murder of the Wayne family part of some corporate conspiracy. Now I saw this "plot twist" coming a mile away since the pilot episode, and now that it's been confirmed that Gotham City is so fucking dirty that a mega-conglomerate company's board of directors would conspire to kill its CEO and wife, it makes my head want to explode.

Why you ask? Because taking the murder of the Wayne's and changing it from a tragic event into something that's part of a conspiracy ruins the whole aspect of Batman in itself. The randomness of what happens to Bruce's parents is the true tragedy because it is directly responsible for him becoming Batman when he grows up. The random senselessness of it all puts Bruce on a mission that is never-ending: fighting crime. The same thing applies to The Punisher as well. Any media where Frank Castle's family is killed by anything other than a random event is the absolute wrong thing to do. When you take away the randomness of the act that sets these characters into becoming what they are, you take away the true tragedy of the event, and what happens after when they dedicate the rest of their lives to being violent vigilantes.

In that aspect alone, "Gotham" is a failure.

In other aspects, the show is still a failure. Do we need to see a young Riddler that somehow works for the police and is two steps away from being a date-rapist? Do we need to see a young Penguin that acts more like the fucking Joker than any of us could possibly imagine Penguin to be? In all honesty are there any characters on this show we give a shit about? Harvey Bullock is the morally flexible dirty cop that did a complete 180 from wanting to kill Gordon to wanting to help him with no explanation ever given. Gordon himself is a total asshole that we already know will never make a difference on his own, because the police department doesn't get cleaned up (nor does the city) until Batman begins appearing, so we have no reason to root for him at all. Young Bruce is annoying as hell, young Catwoman is too but at least her stories tend to be somewhat interesting, while beleaguered butler Alfred is probably the only character on the show I give two shits about. The whole mob angles with Fish Mooney, Carmine Falcone, and Sal Maroni is a bore...although for no reason we got to see Jeffrey "Re-Animator" Combs get turned into a woman. Yes, you read that sentence right.

I remember reading that there was a pitch about a "Batman without Batman"-type show revolving around Gordon and other GCPD cops...only this would take place while Batman is in his prime. We'd follow various cops living in this world as they deal with street-level crime that Batman can't always be around to stop, sort of like the "Gotham Central" comic series that was pretty good from what I recall. Seeing this in TV form would have at least been much more interesting than anything "Gotham" has had to offer thus far, that's for damn sure. But alas, this is what we got instead, and it looks like Fox is going to keep pimping this show for quite some time.

I know I've been doing nothing but shitting all over "Gotham" throughout this whole thing, but there is maybe one thing that can be done to save this from being a pointless cavalcade of colon-cleansed fecal matter: writing baby Bruce out of the show.

Just think about it: Bruce decides it's best for him to leave Gotham City for a long while, and he departs and we don't see him for some time. The whole sub-plot with his family's company is left in the rear-view mirror, and Gordon, Bullock, etc. are left to contend with day-to-day life in the crime infested world of Gotham City. Maybe time flies in a season or two and they jump ahead a few years. Then when maybe they get ready to wrap the show up, Bruce comes back home all grown up and educated in what makes criminals a superstitious and cowardly lot. Gordon comes to the conclusion that no matter what he does to try to make the city and the police department a better place, he's just one man in a sea of corruption and he can't do it all alone anymore. Bruce sits in his father's study at night pondering his next move and how to strike fear into the heart of the criminal underworld...when a bat comes crashing through the glass window into his face.

"Yes father, I shall become a bat..."

End of show. It would be a perfect conclusion.

In one paragraph I just put more thought into the series as a whole than a whole team of writers has in one season. You're welcome Fox. I'm available for script work whenever you need me.

25 Years of Tim Burton's "Batman"

Almost exactly 25 years ago, I was sitting in a movie theater with my mother, and while I didn't know it at the time, I was about to have an eye opening experience that would go on to define the rest of my childhood and even move on into my adulthood. It was something that my young mind may not have totally been ready for, but all the same it was something that I'll never be able to forget.

I'm talking about seeing motherfucking "Batman".

Tim Burton's 1989 update of the classic DC superhero was an awe-inspiring experience for me and countless other kids (and adults alike). Beforehand the only knowledge of the character and Batman mythology I had at that point was through comic books, which I had only just started getting into at that point, and believe it or not, I really don't think I was all that enthused about seeing "Batman" as I should have been (my Mom was actually more interested in seeing it actually, having a life-long love of Jack Nicholson).

But what is it that makes "Batman" not only so endearing to this day, but how it helped shape the legacy of superhero films in general? Is it the dark tone? The gothic, art-deco landscape? The magnetic villain? The brooding, tortured, somewhat psychotic superhero? It's a mix of all that and more besides. It all helped make "Batman" all the more special, and it paved the way for so much more to come (including the legendary "Batman: The Animated Series") that now, two decades and a half later, has a legacy that no other superhero film can ever hope to match.

That's not to say that "Batman" isn't without its flaws. I never gave two shits about what happened to its damsel in distress Vicki Vale, who in herself has such an underwhelming characterization and damn little in terms of character development that any scenes that focus on her become a bore. Making the Joker be the killer of Bruce Wayne's parents is also a bit of a "why the fuck?" moment as well, but all that aside, "Batman" is still a quintessential genre film with a cemented legacy.

Though in the end I do think that Christopher Nolan's trilogy served the character better than Burton's two films (and we won't dare mention the Schumacher abortions), there's no denying the impact and effect that "Batman" had in 1989, and still resonates to this day. If you haven't seen it in a while, give it a watch, and follow it up with "Batman Returns" and some handpicked episodes of the animated series. You'll be glad that you did.

My Thoughts on BatFleck

Oh that Affleck.

I've wrestled around in my head quite a bit the idea of Ben fucking Affleck playing Batman in the upcoming sequel to "Man of Steel", something that the denizens of the internet have been going apeshit over quite a bit. In all actuality I was going to post something about this earlier (but more important things have since come up), so now that the dust has settled, let's take a look at just what Affleck being Batman could entail.

For starters, and I'm not necessarily old enough to remember this, but the backlash to Affleck playing Batman is apparently nowhere near as bad to the backlash Michael Keaton faced when Tim Burton first announced him as his choice to be Batman...and we all know how that worked out. When I first heard about the casting, I did think it was a joke. In fact, when I was reading the breaking article online, I kept looking around the page to see if it was from The Onion, but no, it is indeed a fact. I wasn't crazy about the idea at first, but now I'm at that stage where I've just stopped caring. Why? Because really folks, just how bad could he be?

Could he be any worse than George Clooney or Val Kilmer? I doubt it. And for the love of fuck, it's not like the last guy (Christian Bale) was truly a show-stopper in the role. If anything, Affleck has redeemed himself after a string of horrifyingly bad starring roles with his directorial efforts, and his acting hasn't been too bad either, so why not give the man a legitimate chance before we all take turns shitting all over him. Remember how Christopher Nolan was called an idiot over casting Heath Ledger as The Joker in "The Dark Knight"? How'd that work out exactly again?

To close things out, I wouldn't say I'm excited to see Affleck in the role necessarily, but come the fuck on, he isn't gonna be that bad, so everybody please stop crying.

And besides, it's a more inspired choice than Bradley Cooper being the voice of Rocket Raccoon.

My DC Animated Universe Wishlist

Showcase Presents: Doc Savage By DC Comics, Inc. (COR) (Google Affiliate Ad)

When it comes to animated comic-book based adaptations, no one does them better than DC. While Marvel's animated features aren't bad in the least, they just more often than not come off as being rarely anything better than average. The DC Universe animated features boast better animation and voice acting, and have managed to successfully adapt some epic and beloved DC stories into 75-minute animated dirges. True, some haven't been anything special ("Green Lantern: Emerald Knights" and "Batman: Gotham Knight") and some have been quite spectacular ("Batman: Under the Red Hood" and "Wonder Woman"). Though DC has informally announced that a majority of the future DC animated films will focus on the Justice League, Superman, or Batman since anything not involving any of them doesn't sell through the roof, this comic geek has come up with a wishlist for DC stories I would fucking love to see in animated form. Granted I know that a majority of these won't ever happen, but that doesn't mean that a geek can't dream. I'm not going to go into too much depth for each one here, because I could talk about this shit for hours. So here we go with my top DC Universe animated flicks wishlist:



TEEN TITANS: THE JUDAS CONTRACT

Originally slated to be a DC animated flick, "The Judas Contract" got nixed due to the fact that the mega-popular cartoon was still resonating in the minds of children everywhere, and because the shockingly mature content of this storyarc would probably not have been done justice in animated form. Still, seeing "The Judas Contract" animated would be awesome.





KINGDOM COME

The mega-popular and beloved dystopian look at the DC universe would be smashing to see in animated form. Just imagine Alex Ross' lush paintwork applied to animation, and you've got something with the potential to be beautiful unleashed on your eyeballs. Just like "The Judas Contract", this has a shocking amount of mature content, but considering what all the recent DC animated flicks have gotten away with in terms of content and violence, this would be a no-brainer.





THE FLASH: THE RETURN OF BARRY ALLEN

The Flash doesn't get enough love, which is a damn shame because the characters, mythos, and villains associated with Flash are some of the best the DC Universe has to offer. How awesome would it be to see an animated adaptation of young Flash Wally West get bested by the former Flash Barry Allen after he (allegedly) returns from the dead? There's little chance of this ever happening, since DC rebooted their comic universe and Wally practically doesn't exist anymore, but this would be awesome to see in animated form.





THE SINESTRO CORPS WAR

One of the greatest and most action packed storylines in Green Lantern history would be amazing to see in animated form. Not to mention the fact that since it involves every single superhero in the DC universe taking on Sinestro's army, it could be marketed as a Justice League movie instead of a stand-alone Green Lantern flick. Just imagine that final slugfest between Hal Jordan and Sinestro in animated form...holy shit. Plus, it could somehow lead into what I propose next...






BLACKEST NIGHT

Dead superheroes and villains returning from the grave and eating the hearts of the living? Yeah, we'll probably never ever see this one in animated form, but man oh man, the possibilities about "Blackest Night" animated are endless.






BATMAN: THE LONG HALLOWEEN

After "Batman: Year One", why not adapt "The Long Halloween"? A spiritual sequel, "The Long Halloween" would detail the origin of Two-Face and feature a handful of the best Batman villains thrown in for good measure. Plus, somehow adapting Tim Sale's beautfiul artwork into animated form? Sign me up.






SUPERMAN: LAST SON

Richard Donner, who directed the landmark, classic, original "Superman" film, co-wrote this comic storyarc (that also paid tribute to Christopher Reeve) in which Superman adopts a young Kryptonian boy that mysteriously appears on Earth. The storyarc was surprisingly touhing and heartbreaking, and a great way to introduce/re-introduce everyone to General Zod. This one would be a mistake not to adapt.






Okay folks, my nerd rage has subsided for now. If you have no idea what the hell I've been talking about, or are thinking "why the fuck is this guy watching cartoons", please feel free to blow me.

"THE DARK KNIGHT RISES" Review!!!! (SPOILERS!)

Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy has come to an end. Four years after the release of the monumental “The Dark Knight” comes “The Dark Knight Rises”, which is a more than fitting end to his trilogy. This is my review for the film, and I am going to tell you right now that beware, spoilers aplenty are ahead, so enter at your own risk folks. With that out of the way, let’s begin…



SPOILERS AHEAD! ABANDON ALL HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE!!!!!!!!!!!









From the beginning with “Batman Begins”, we’ve seen a Batman universe that is all about the realism. From his technology to his wonderful toys to even the villains he’s faced, everything about this new cinematic take on the Batman world is grounded in reality, and it’s made for some great entertainment. As great as “Batman Begins” was though, it was “The Dark Knight” that took things to a new level. With the late Heath Ledger’s brilliant performance as The Joker to a thought provoking script that perfectly displayed the kind of repercussions that would happen in the real world if someone decided to put on a costume and take a serious fight to crime in a crooked and corrupt world, “The Dark Knight” was brilliant despite its small flaws, and to me remains the absolute best comic book-based film to ever see the light of day. With “The Dark Knight Rises”, we see the aftermath that such repercussions have created, escalating even further into an environment of full-blown anarchy and chaos, and the one man that can rise above it all to save the day.

With its much publicized filming taking place, a good chunk of the surprises that the film was set to deliver were already known to the public. From Bane’s connection to Ra’s Al Ghul, to Miranda Tate really being Talia Al Ghul, there weren’t that many twists that the public didn’t kind of already know were going to happen. That aside, we were treated to seeing a world where Batman did indeed “live long enough to see himself become the villain” like Harvey Dent had said in the previous film, as he is a broken and hollow man living a life of seclusion. He comes out of his self-imposed exile as Bane makes his presence felt; eventually re-creating the famous scene from the “Knightfall” comics as he breaks Batman’s back and takes over the city. The day is saved in the end of course, culminating with Batman faking his own death and leaving Gotham City cop John “Robin” Blake to take the reins.

In praise of the film, it was wonderful to see all the seeds planted in “Batman Begins” come to fruition. It was twice as wonderful to see this realistic take on Batman culminate in such a thrilling spectacle. While “The Avengers” was an amazing superhero blockbuster, “The Dark Knight Rises” is more of a thinking-man’s blockbuster, drawing you in with believable characters and motivations, along with some surprisingly brutal action set-pieces to boot. Christian Bale, despite what you may think of him, gives his best performance as Batman here. His portrayal of a broken man that can’t stay away from his duty as the Caped Crusader is a sight to behold. Michael Keaton may always be my favorite Batman, but Bale definitely comes in right behind him. Just about the rest of the cast was great as well. I really enjoyed Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and Tom Hardy was menacing as all hell as Bane. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was great as well in a surprisingly meaty role. I should also note that Bane’s voice was thankfully re-dubbed during post-production. When the film’s prologue was released alongside “Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol” last year, I’ll be damned if I could understand anything that he fucking said, but here, it’s fixed for the most part. Granted he does kind of sound like Sean Connery in need of a Halls, but hey, it could have been a lot worse.

As for the flaws of the film, the one thing that got me was that Gordon sadly wasn’t featured as prominently as he was the last time around. One of the things that made “The Dark Knight” so great was just how much they featured Gordon and how important a role he played in the proceedings. Here, he doesn’t so much, while Alfred and Lucius Fox seem to spend more time on the backburner as well. Still, the final half hour of the film is so masterfully done and orchestrated that you’ll literally be chewing on your fingernails in anticipation to see how it all comes to an end.

Also in retrospect, when you go to see the film if you haven’t already, thoughts about those in Colorado that were senselessly slaughtered at the film’s premiere will weigh heavy on your head. It’s only a matter of time before we get a handful of idiots that blame the actions of one diseased mind on this film, which is a crying shame in itself. Its times like this that we all wish people like Batman were real.

Do yourself a favor: go see the best, most electrifying conclusion to a superhero trilogy in the history of fucking ever. You’ll be glad that you did.

5 Reasons Why We Love Batman

“The Dark Knight Rises” is well on its way, so over the next couple months it’s safe to assume that we’re all going to be bombarded with anything and everything Batman-related. With that in mind, it’s time to take a look at just why we love Batman as much as we do. A character so iconic and who has meant so much to so many, trying to pinpoint exactly why we love Batman isn’t an easy thing to do…but goddamnit, I’m going to try. So here we are to count down the top 5 reasons why we fucking love the goddamn Batman.

5: No superhero has more monumental stories than Batman.

“The Dark Knight Returns”. “Year One”. “The Killing Joke”. “The Long Halloween”. “Dark Victory”. “A Death in the Family”. “Birth of the Demon”. “Hush”. And many, many more. No other comic book character has had as many monumental storyarcs as Batman. Not to mention the fact that no other superhero character has had such a bevy of talent work on him over the years like Batman has. Frank Miller, Alan Moore, Brian Bolland, Jeph Loeb, Tim Sale, Jim Starlin, Marv Wolfman, Jim Lee, Grant Morrison, Brian Azzarello, Denny O’Neil, Scott Snyder, Greg Rucka, Jock, Chuck Dixon, Paul Dini, Bruce Timm, James Robinson, and countless others have all lent their talents to various Batman titles and helped craft their share of brilliant stories in the process. There is no other comic book character in existence that has had this many iconic stories presented to us by so many talented individuals that it only means one thing: they’re all as drawn into Batman as the rest of us are.



4. He has no superpowers.

How the hell does someone manage to dress up in tights and beat criminals to a pulp without super strength or any other superpowers? Batman isn’t invulnerable, have X-ray vision, or can run at superspeed. Instead, he must rely on his ultra-keen wits, his sheer athleticism, and an unprecedented determination that NO ONE in comics could ever hope to match. He doesn’t do what he does because he feels he has to; he does it because he believes that he is needed to do so. Combine that with the fact that he’s such a brilliant detective that it makes Sherlock Holmes look retarded, and you have a superhero that puts his peers to shame.



3. He’s the ultimate anti-hero.

Batman doesn’t take shit from anyone, hero or villain. He does his own thing with little regard over how he is perceived by others, and folks, that’s just plain fucking badass in itself. His only real rule, to not kill, is what separates him from other popular anti-heroes like Wolverine, The Punisher, or Spawn. The fact that he walks that fine line between being a true super hero and a costumed killer is also what makes us so drawn to him. That dark side that Batman embodies is what we all desire to unleash in the real world, and seeing him do just that while ensuring that the right thing gets done in the process is what helps make Batman such an awesome character.


2. Where does he get those wonderful toys?

Being a billionaire industrialist has its perks. Namely having a superhero alter-ego that you have the cash to bankroll numerous inventions and gizmos needed to take down your enemies. The Batmobile, the Batwing, the batarang, the classic grappling hook, and tons, tons more; all these gadgets are nearly as iconic as Batman himself. I mean Christ, where the hell would he be without that damn grappling hook in the first fucking place? That, and wouldn’t you love to drive around your neighborhood in an ultra-sleek, flames-shooting-out-the-back-end Batmobile? I know I fucking would…



1. The villains.

Part of what has made Batman such an iconic superhero character is the fact that no one has as much iconic villains as he does. In fact, there is literally no other superhero that has as rich a rogue’s gallery as Batman does. Superman, Spider-Man, the X-Men, and The Flash come close to having their own assortment of iconic villains, but they can’t come close to topping Batman. We know them all almost by heart: Joker, Two-Face, Penguin, Catwoman, Riddler, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, Bane, Ra’s Al Ghul, The Scarecrow, Killer Croc, Solomon Grundy, The Mad Hatter, Man-Bat, Hush, Clayface, Victor Zsasz, Harley Quinn, Firefly, and many, many more. These villains help make Batman as iconic a character as he is because no other superhero has the sheer amount of villains that help push their counterpart to the limit like Batman’s do. And for all the evil that Batman’s rogues manage to do, he still won’t give in to them and kill; he’ll never become anything like them. It’s that sheer will, the determination, the never say die attitude that these villains bring out in our hero that make him so damned endearing, and nearly no other villain can say the same for their hero counterpart.



That’s all for now folks, see y’all in the funnybooks.

A List of Insanely Hilarious LEGO Video Games

Ah yes, the joy of LEGO video games. They’re a simple pleasure, but they can be an oh so much fun one as well. Over the past few years, we’ve seen LEGO take on such licensed properties as Star Wars (numerous times), Indiana Jones, Batman, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Harry Potter. There are more LEGO games on the horizon, with a return to Batman and the larger DC Universe, along with some other unnamed licenses too. For as kid-friendly (and let’s face it, flat out identical to each other) all these LEGO video games are, I’m presenting a list of what the most awesome LEGO video games could be. Strap yourselves in folks…



LEGO GAME OF THRONES
(Just imagine seeing Ned Stark get his head chopped off in LEGO form!)



LEGO HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN
(Rapists, sadists, and drug addicts…in LEGO form! With hilarious LEGO limbs flying across the screen!)



LEGO SPARTACUS
(More LEGO limbs flying across the screen, and slow motion LEGO people fucking!)



LEGO 300
(See above)



LEGO DEXTER
(A serial killer of serial killers…fun for the whole family!)



LEGO VIDEODROME
(Mind-bending chest vaginas…I actually gagged a little when I thought how that would look in LEGO form)



LEGO PULP FICTION
(Just imagine how the adrenaline shot scene would look)



LEGO JACKASS
(Every time they hit the wall during a stunt they burst into LEGO pieces…and Ryan Dunn is a skeleton)



LEGO THE WIRE
(Drugs and dirty cops in Baltimore…with LEGOS!)



LEGO THE ACCUSED
(What?)



LEGO DAWN OF THE DEAD
(Zombie LEGOS in the mall. When they rip people apart hilarity ensues)

What the fuck is Bane saying?!

Over the past few days there’s been a shit ton of internet chatter and theories regarding “The Dark Knight Rises”. After the unveiling of the slam-bang six-minute prologue that premiered before the new “Mission: Impossible” flick, a second trailer was released that showed more footage, including the massive destruction of a football field and Batman (Christian Bale) getting his ass handed to him by Bane (Tom Hardy).

One thing that’s gotten a shit-ton of smack slapped on it is the fact that understanding any of Bane’s dialogue is ass-fuckingly hard. I’m not sure whether it’s the voice Hardy is using, or if he’s just muffled by the mask, or a combination of both. Either way, director Christopher Nolan has heard the complaints of the masses…and is probably going to do nothing about it. He’s gone so far to say that he likes Bane’s voice the way it is, and will more than likely not make any post-production alterations or re-dub Hardy either.

So basically we’ll have to wait until “The Dark Knight Rises” comes out on DVD and turn on the closed captioning option so we know what the fuck Bane is saying.

But hey, considering the fact that Bale’s Batman voice is pretty over-the-top in itself, well…what the hell. As a side note, back when I was bartending, “The Dark Knight” was on HBO on one of the TV’s with the closed captioning turned on. During the interrogation scene as Batman walks out and Gordon asks him if he’s going after Dent or Rachel, Batman growls “Rachel”, and the caption came up *inaudible*.

In other words, that was only a taste of things to come apparently.

Though I’m poking fun and pointing out early flaws, all that bullshit aside I can’t fucking wait for this movie. It looks to be every bit as epic (and possibly even more so) than “The Dark Knight” was, and appears to truly be an epic conclusion to Nolan’s Batman films. People are psyched for “The Avengers”, and rightfully so (I am too), but “The Dark Knight Rises” takes precedent over it for me personally, and I’m dying to see how it all winds up coming to an end…

…even if I can’t understand half the shit that the film’s main villain is saying.

Fuck You Frank Miller

I would like to take the time to say something that is from the depths of my heart and soul.

Fuck you Frank Miller.

In the most sincere of ways, fuck you Frank, fuck you right in the ear.

For those of you that don’t know who Frank Miller is, saying that he’s a comic book legend is saying it lightly. A writer and artist for longer than most comic book personalities have the right to work in the industry, Frank Miller is responsible for legendary and classic comic stories including a historic run on “Daredevil” that revolutionized the character and followed with other works “The Dark Knight Returns”, “Batman: Year One”, and the “Sin City” books among others. His most revered work has always been uncompromising, hard, and incredibly gritty given the source material, but these days, Frank isn’t quite Frank these days.

He recently went on a rant about the whole “Occupy” movements happening in cities across the country, going so far as to label the protestors “losers that should go home to their parent’s basements and play more World of Warcraft” (I’m paraphrasing, but that’s pretty much what he said). Anyway, Miller sees these protests as attacks on everything that “true” Americans hold dear. “True Americans”. You know, the kind of “True Americans” that believe the middle class and below should keep getting fucked in the ass by the 1%.

So in those regards, with this stance he’s taken on the subject and how he’s lampooning the protesters, there’s only one thing to say to good ‘ol Frank at this point…

…fuck you (again) Frank Miller.

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure that a decent amount of these protesters have read some comic books in their times, and more than likely they read the work of Frank Miller at some point, more than likely because he was recommended to them because his work has been so revered for so damn long…but in that respect, it’s been a while since Frank has done anything worth writing home about.

After achieving Hollywood fame when adaptations of “Sin City” and “300” struck box-office gold, Frank decided to take Will Eisner’s classic character “The Spirit” and direct a movie based on it himself. The result was a catastrophically horrible piece of shit excuse of a comic book film that felt like a watered-down “Sin City”. He also decided to write numerous shitty comics that sold only because his name was on the cover, including “The Dark Knight Strikes Again”, “All-Star Batman & Robin” (which featured the immortal line of dialogue, “what are you retarded? I’m the goddamn Batman”), and the recently released “Holy Terror”, which is probably the most blatantly racist piece of conservative propaganda to ever be published in the last fifty or so years. In other words, Frank Miller went off his rocker a while ago, so his recent bout of shit-talking shouldn’t come as much of a surprise at all really.

No matter what though, seeing Miller take this stance is disheartening. I wonder if he forgets what it was like getting into a tough industry like comic books and scrapping and surviving to do so. His raw talent is what got him noticed (even as his pencil work deteriorated in quality over the years) in the beginning of his career, a career which is now on the other end of the spectrum where he’s becoming more widely recognized as an over the hill hack, and that’s exactly what I’m acknowledging him as now, and probably forever more from this point forward.

So once again Frank Miller, fuck you. Fuck you right up your quasi-fascist ass. You’re a shell of the man you used to be, and you should just hang it up now to preserve what little legacy you have left. Do that, and the comic book world, and the entertainment industry as a whole, will be all the better off for it.

"The Dark Knight Rises" First Impressions

It started in 2005 with “Batman Begins”, and now six years later, Christopher Nolan’s Batman films have achieved an almost legendary status. “Batman Begins” was the Batman film that Bat-fans had craved for years: an honest-to-God origin story set in a realistic tone. In 2008 with “The Dark Knight”, we got a sequel that took Nolan’s realistic approach to the iconic character to new heights…but that’s something that we all know.

Now, here we are in 2011, and we’ve had our first official glimpse at “The Dark Knight Rises”, the third and final Batman film to be directed by Nolan, and if the tagline of the teaser trailer promises anything, it’s that this is indeed the end (hell, I swear that “The End” by The Doors played in my head throughout the teaser, but I digress). After seeing the teaser trailer, there are plenty of questions that have risen (no pun intended) so let’s just make a rundown here of what we know from seeing the trailer so far…

We catch scenes from both “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight” as we hear a voiceover from Ra’s Al Ghul (Liam Neeson) from the first film, followed by a shots of Gordon (Gary Oldman) lying on a hospital bed having a conversation with Batman/Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) about how bad Gotham needs Batman back. This is followed by glimpses of Bane (Tom Hardy), the roided-up super villain that broke Batman’s back in the comics…all of which concluding with a quick glimpse of Bane getting ready to take on what appears to be an injured or winded Batman (and just who the hell is that standing in the background?) There are no glimpses of Catwoman (Anne Hathaway) to be found, or of any of the new characters and additions to the cast (Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard). With all that being said, it’s time to make some half-assed (possibly) predictions about what “The Dark Knight Rises” has to offer…

First off, like I said before, Bane breaks Batman’s back like a twig in the comics. His comic book form is that of a hulking brute that uses a drug called “venom” to get enhance his size and strength, along with the fact that he’s also a criminal genius. In his introductory storyarc in the comics, Bane figured out that Batman is Bruce Wayne, and proceeded to tire him out and wear him down by breaking the inmates out of Arkham Asylum, and then putting the Bat-bitch-slap on Batman when he was at his weakest. Could that be what happens in the film? There have already been reports that this is going to sort of be what happens, and that in Batman’s absence Catwoman and others attempt to take up the reigns of saving Gotham City, leading to Batman’s return, as he rises above and saves the day (maybe that why it’s titled “The Dark Knight Rises” perhaps)

Something else that is known thus far is that actor Josh Pence is playing a younger version of Ra’s Al Ghul, and has some sort of tie to Bane in the film. At the end of “Batman Begins”, Ra’s was burned up into a crispy critter, but it was also reported that Liam Neeson filmed some sort of role for the new film. Is it a flashback then perhaps? More than likely, even though Ra’s Al Ghul is an immortal villain in the comics, Nolan’s films have steered far away from supernatural elements and only focused on making things as realistic and believable as possible, so the Liam Neeson take on Ra’s is probably a flashback, unless Nolan is playing some kind of big time trump card. Speaking of trump cards, Marion Cotillard is playing a woman named Miranda Tate, with all rumors saying that the name is really an alias for Talia Al Ghul, the vengeful daughter of Ra’s. Maybe this is going to end up tying everything together somehow? I have no idea honestly, but it’s fun to theorize nevertheless.

With all this in mind, I haven’t even really gotten around to talking about what role Catwoman is going to play in all this. Will she be an out and out villain, or an unlikely ally? Or maybe a little of both? Since “Batman Begins”, Nolan has made a habit of only revealing as little or as much as he wants to in terms of making the audience want more, and with the film a year away from hitting the big screen, there’s still plenty more to be revealed and dissected over. Hell, it doesn’t even finish filming until later this year, but I for one am dying to see what gets revealed next, leading up to what’s going to be the last Batman film to feature Nolan, Bale, and the rest of the principle cast and crew.

Next summer can’t fucking come soon enough.

The 10 Comic Book Movies I Fucking Hate

Anyone who knows me remotely in the least, or at least has been reading this sorry excuse of a blog of mine, knows that I love comic books, always have and always will. As much as I love them and all the history that surrounds the medium though, there is one thing that is involved with the graphic medium that I absolutely hate: shitty comic book adapted movies.

Yes sir, more often than not, there are all kinds of shitty comic book adaptations that command big budgets, big stars, and wind up being big piles of horseshit instead. In those regards, I now humbly present to you, the 10 worst comic book movies I have ever seen and/or just plain despise because they kill the source material so damned much. They aren’t in any particular order mind you, and some hold some of these adaptations in high regard (for whatever reason, probably because they don’t know how to fucking read but that’s just me), but regardless, do yourself a favor and just NEVER, EVER watch these pieces of cinematic trash. Do something more constructive with your time instead, like try sticking your head up your ass while whistling the theme song from “The Simpsons” or something.

Anyway, here we go:



BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)
Director: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Uma Thurman

The granddaddy of all shitty superhero movies, Joel Schumacher’s “Batman & Robin” is so bad I can’t even put it into the right words. No, seriously, if you’ve never seen it, you really don’t know just how fucking bad this movie is. Everything you’ve heard; from the bat-nipples, to the bat-ice skates, to the bat-credit card and more besides, is all so sadly, depressingly true. Atrociously campy acting, a neon colored Gotham City, and some of the worst dialogue in the history of mankind…ALL THAT is what you’ll find here!!! This movie was so bad that there wasn’t even a real attempt to make another Batman movie until 2005’s “Batman Begins” reboot. This movie was so bad that it made no studio ever want to touch another comic book property to make a movie. This movie was so bad that it pretty much effectively killed the careers of Chris O’Donnel and Alicia Silverstone. This movie was so bad that it made little kids who saw it in theaters lead lives of perversion and degradation, committing crimes, wiping their asses with the American flag, and fuck their best friend’s mothers! This movie is nothing more than pure Bat-shit!!! Pure fucking Bat-shit!!! And it makes you be thankful that Christopher Nolan came along and brought respectability back to Batman in film. It makes you thankful that Joel Schumacher is now looked upon by comic book geeks as the Hitler of film directors. It makes you thankful that “Batman Forever” wasn’t even this bad (and that’s saying something). I’d rather go dive face first into a huge pile of bat-shit than sit through this disgrace to comics and film again.



CONSTANTINE (2005)
Director: Francis Lawrence
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Shia LeBeouf

The John Constantine I know and love from the “Hellblazer” comics is a blonde, British, chain-smoking master of bad luck black magic. He conned the devil into curing his lung cancer and when done, looked him in the eye, lit up a cigarette, and gave him the finger. He’s often a reluctant hero, but he’s also a bastard who uses his friends and loved ones as pawns whether he realizes it or not, all in an effort to always wind up on top of whatever bloody situation he finds himself in. The John Constantine found in “Constantine” is in the form of Keanu Reeves, and is a boring old demon hunter who wants to go to Heaven when he dies because he’s afraid of what awaits him in Hell, and he’s kind of a douche bag as well. Granted the Constantine I know and love is a selfish prick, but he isn’t without his charm. So why do I hate “Constantine” so damned much? Because it takes just about everything great about the character and dumbs it down to be digested by a wider audience. John Constantine has had run-ins with Lucifer and demons from time to time, but he sure as fuck isn’t a demon hunter like he’s presented here as being. And oh yeah, the film’s storyline as a whole is so fucking overblown and ridiculous that it causes character creator Alan Moore to shit fire anytime it airs on television. Yes, he hates it probably more than I do.



V FOR VENDETTA (2006)
Director: James McTeigue
Starring: Natalie Portman, Hugo Weaving, Stephen Rea

Another creation of Alan Moore’s that was dumbed down for mass audiences to digest, “V For Vendetta” either misses or completely disregards the points made by Moore’s original work and instead opts for an action-oriented shit-fest that audiences fell in love with. The moral quandaries of whether or not the Guy Fawkes-masked antihero V is a hero or a terrorist is thrown out the window. The subplots regarding the inner-workings of the totalitarian state that the story takes place in are ignored. Evie’s backstory is altered to the point that you already know everything there is to know about her within her first five minutes of screen time. And the moral ambiguity of V’s actions, as well as that of his identity and ultimate intent of taking Evie under his wing are skewed and flat-out shit all over and instead opts for V doing Neo-esque kung-fu moves in dark alleys (which isn’t surprising, considering the Wachowski brothers wrote the screenplay and produced the film). Do yourself a favor, if you want a truly challenging, complex, deep, and emotional read, pick up Moore’s graphic novel instead; you won’t regret it.



X-MEN: THE LAST STAND (2006)
Director: Brett Ratner
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellan

Bryan Singer managed to work some kind of strange magic with the first two “X-Men” films, “X2: X-Men United” in particular. With the awesome, downbeat ending that was featured in “X2”, X-Men fans across the globe (myself included) couldn’t wait to see what could have been the classic “Phoenix Saga” brought to the big screen. We didn’t get it. Instead, Singer and his team jumped ship to make “Superman Returns”, while the third “X-Men” film ended up falling into the hands of Brett fucking Ratner; the same assclown who helmed the “Rush Hour” movies. The end result was a straight up slap in the face to fans of the X-Men comics and movies alike. We get tons of corny moments, incoherent action scenes, whiny mutants, Colossus looking like he’s wrapped in tin-foil, Cyclops getting unceremoniously killed off-screen (in reality, actor James Marsden, who had a prominent role in “Superman Returns”, was written out early in the film as punishment from Fox), flat out insulting the intelligence of the audience, and nothing remotely resembling the “Phoenix Saga” in the least. True, it may not be the absolute worst superhero movie you’ll ever see, but it’s just so lame and pays little to no respect to the source material that you can’t help but wonder why Fox and Marvel didn’t at least take their time in the film’s overall production, which was notoriously short and hurried. As for Bryan Singer though, he wasn’t quite without sin either in 2006…



SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006)
Director: Bryan Singer
Starring: Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey

When “Superman Returns” came out the same summer as “X-Men: The Last Stand”, it had been the first true “Superman” film in nearly 20 years, and it had a lot going for it. Bryan Singer had made the first two X-Men films, and he did quite well with them too. Warner Bros. had given Singer nearly a quarter of a BILLION dollar budget to work with. Kevin Spacey was playing Lex Luthor, and the overall cast looked great as well. What we got instead with “Superman Returns” was an overblown, underwhelming, wankfest that supposedly “pays homage” to Richard Donner’s original “Superman” film, but really just basically plagiarizes it. Instead of Superman, we have a “super-stalker”, who can’t stand the fact that Lois Lane has moved on in his absence and now has a fiancé and a young son (and oh yeah, the son is really Superman’s and he has superpowers too. Nooch.). One last thing, it’s a 2 and a half hour long movie and it barely has ANY action sequences. When I think of Superman, I think of world-shattering action and excitement. Here, we get none of that except for when Superman saves a space shuttle and lifts up a chunk of rock to launch into orbit. And Lex Luthor is still doing the whole “land scheme” from the 70s films. Yeah, Superman in film has really, really come far. Fuck this shit.



HULK (2003)
Director: Ang Lee
Starring: Eric Bana, Jennifer Connolly, Nick Nolte

On paper, a big budget adaptation of the Hulk should have worked, even if it was handled by the guy who achieved worldwide fame for “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and would go on to win an Oscar for “Brokeback Mountain”. Why you ask? Because the whole Bruce Banner/Hulk inner struggle and all the emotions associated therein could have been real gold…but instead what we got was a giant green turd. Shitty CGI effects are one thing, but the fact that the 2003 “Hulk” is so mind numbingly slow and boring is absolutely unforgivable. Add to that a scene-chewing Nick Nolte, ridiculous “Hulk-dogs”, and the fact that there is very little action going on in what’s supposed to be a movie about an angry, mutated monster destroying everything in sight; and you have one totally shitty comic book flick. Thankfully, the 2008 reboot was much better, but it sadly couldn’t erase all the memories of green shit that are still in my brain after wasting the cash to go see this piece of fuck.



LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (2003)
Director: Stephen Norrington
Starring: Sean Connery, Shane West, Stuart Townsend

Alan Moore’s “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” comics were equal parts shocking and exciting, as he gleefully took various literary characters and put them in some fucked science fiction/horror situations. You’d think that a film adaptation directed by “Blade”’s Stephen Norrington and starring Sean fucking Connery would be awesome…and you’d figure wrong! Universally panned by critics and comic book fans alike, this film adaptation was so goddamn bad that Connery and Norrington actually got in an on-set fist-fight, and Connery hasn’t acted in another film since. This is the film that led creator Moore to request that any adaptation of his work not credit him in any way whatsoever. This is the piece of shit that took a serious, horrific take on these classical characters and turned them into nothing more than jokes. This is the shit-riffic fuck-fest that took any original ideas of Moore’s, shit all over them, and attempted to re-package them for dimwitted audiences…but even some people aren’t that stupid. Piss on this fucking turd.



DAREDEVIL (2003)
Director: Mark Steven Johnson
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Michael Clarke Duncan

What can I say about “Daredevil” that hasn’t been said already? Granted I kind of dug how they managed to present how Daredevil “sees” like bat-radar, but other than that we have a somewhat campy and overly flashy take on Marvel’s blind superhero. Those things are bad enough on their own, but the casting of Daredevil, Elektra, Bullseye, and The Kingpin are so goddamn bad that it boggles my mind what the casting company was smoking. Add to that the ridiculous costumes (Daredevil’s looks like an S&M lovers wet dream, while Elektra’s and Bullseye’s just look like garbage) and the poppy-emo soundtrack, and the end result is Fox and Marvel trying to take the noir-ish superhero and turn him into a Spider-Man-esque douche bag for everyone to enjoy. And yeah, you guessed it, nobody enjoyed it.



CATWOMAN (2004)
Director: Pitof
Starring: Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone

I’ll be totally honest with you; I’ve never made it all the way through “Catwoman”. It’s just so unbelievably awful that I try to pretend that it doesn’t even exist. Even having Halle Berry prance around in that ridiculous (yet kind of hot) costume doesn’t help matters any, it’s just so bad, “Mystery Science Theater 3000” bad. I remember when the film was coming out, the trailer for it had said something to the effect of “when a person dies, a cat can bring them back to make the wrong things right”. Wait a fucking minute why does that sound so familiar? Because it’s from “The Crow”, only the word “cat” replaces “crow” in this piece of shit! I’m all for having a legit movie based on Catwoman, because she’s such an interesting character that walks the line between hero and villain and has always been one of Batman’s greatest allies/adversaries. The fact that the character isn’t even the original Selena Kyle from the comics is fucking unforgivable as well, not to mention the fact that the whole affair has the flash and dash of a big budget car commercial. Thankfully it bombed, and Berry has never even been able to live this piece of shit down.



THE SPIRIT (2008)
Director: Frank Miller
Starring: Gabriel Macht, Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlett Johansson

Oh Jesus, I don’t even know where to start with “The Spirit”. I actually kind of had high hopes for this believe it or not, mainly because I knew how beloved Will Eisner’s character was by Frank Miller, himself a legendary comic book visionary who wanted to try his hand at the director’s chair after the success he had with Robert Rodriguez filming “Sin City” in 2005. Instead with “The Spirit”, we get a “Sin City”-ish take on Eisner’s characters and world, and it feels like a watered-down noir that is so overblown, overacted, and overstuffed with all things horseshit and boredom that it instead just flat out slaps Eisner and his work in the face. Miller may have had good intentions (and even that is debatable) but he ended up making his idol and mentor roll over in his grave. What a disgrace.



JUDGE DREDD (1995)
Director: Danny Cannon
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante, Rob Schneider

Before the abortion of a movie known as “Judge Dredd” came out, people had no idea who the fuck he was, on this side of the pond anyway. In the UK, Judge Dredd was the flagship character of the “2000 A.D.” comic magazine, so much so that many great comic writers and artists had worked on the character at some point or another. In the comic, Dredd never takes his helmet off, because he’s just that goddamn intense and serious about what he does. Here, Stallone takes his helmet off the first five minutes. Now, I don’t have that much of a problem with that, but the fact that the character and his world are treated like second-rate science fiction knock-offs, it’s no wonder that no one here cared about Judge Dredd then or now. There is a new adaptation in the works right now, so hopefully the second time around will do Dredd the justice (no pun intended) he so deserves…but I doubt it.



Dishonorable mentions:

Howard the Duck (but it’s so bad it’s kind of funny, so it’s worth a look just for that alone)
Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (starring David fucking Hasselhoff)
Captain America (the early 90s direct to video piece of shit)
Superman III
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Ghost Rider
The Punisher (2004)
Batman Forever
Wanted
Spawn
Elektra
Barb Wire
Spider-Man 3
The Phantom
Fantastic Four
Steel
Jonah Hex

Rebooting the DC Universe...and it fucking blows.

It was announced today, to the surprise of relatively no one within the comic book world, that DC will be doing an industry-wide reboot of their universe and most of their respective characters. This is something that many fanboys (myself included) figured would happen sometime soon (it wasn’t that long ago that Wonder Woman got a quick redux with a new costume, identity, and overall backstory) and now here we are. But why though? Why must we go through yet another re-imagining of our favorite iconic characters?

To coincide with the release of the final issue of “Flashpoint” (the current summer mega-event that promises reality changing events in the DC universe), things are changing big time for Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, The Flash, and the rest of the costumed pricks that populate the DC world. Why you ask? That’s a good question…so let’s take a look back at some of the previous “universe shattering” events that DC was behind.

In 1985, DC Comics released the 12-issue maxi-series “Crisis on Infinite Earths”, which was pretty much the first true publisher-wide “reboot” in comic book history. “CoIE” merged all of the multiple universes and versions of characters into one universe in an effort to condense and streamline their many properties to draw in new readers without confusing the ever-loving shit out of them, and for the most part, it worked. Instead of there being multiple Superman’s and Batman’s populating different Earths with differing back stories and such, we now had one of each, and it made things so much better in the long run.

Fast forward to 2005/2006 with “Infinite Crisis”, another company-wide crossover event that DID NOT streamline anything in terms of continuity, but instead made it a little more confusing to outside readers by resurrecting old characters that bit the dust in “CoIE” as a sort of love letter to long time DC Comics readers. This worked for the most part as well, even though it reintroduced the ideas of alternate worlds and alternate takes on various characters.

Now, here we are in 2011, and I guess the brass at DC has decided that it’s time to say “fuck it” to everything again and try to start over fresh. I can understand the idea about trying to draw in new readers, but the fact of the matter is that DC is alienating their longtime readers in doing so. I myself have been much more a fan of DC’s stuff than Marvel’s for nearly a decade now, mostly due to the fact that Marvel has the habit of rebooting their characters every five years or so in an effort to keep them “hip” for new generation after new generation, ad-nauseum.

Yes, I will read “Flashpoint” when it comes out in trade form, only because I want to see how superhero writer extraordinaire Geoff Johns changes everything and attempts to wipe the slate clean. Personally, I only give it about another five years (at best) until the old continuity gets re-introduced and we start all over again. Maybe by that time I’ll be willing to give the DC superhero universe another shot…but until then I’ll be sticking with my indie and horror comics and give the douche bags in tights a long break.

See y’all in the funnybooks folks…maybe.

Superman renounces his citizenship, hilarity ensues

“Truth, justice, and the American way”

For decades, that was the tagline that accompanied Superman, arguably the most recognizable and iconic comic book character in the history of ever. From the first days of “Action Comics” to the days of the Max Fleischer cartoons and the George Reeves-starring TV serial, Superman isn’t only a comic book icon, but an American icon as well. He may be nothing more than “the big blue boy scout” and interest in him usually wanes by the time you turn 7, but you can’t deny that Superman is represents so much on so many different levels, and maybe he always will.

At least, as long as he remains an American citizen.

Flash forward to today and here we have a little bit of comic book history in the making. Issue number 900 of “Action Comics” isn’t just historic because it’s the longest running comic book ever, but because it finds Superman renouncing his American citizenship. Now personally, I haven’t read a Superman comic in ages, so I can’t comment on what role this development plays in an ongoing storyarc, or how much of it plays into drawing new readership (because let’s be honest, who really reads “Superman” in the first place these days), but what I can say is that the surprising amount of media hoopla and commentary from fans is nothing short of hilarious.

I’m Facebook friends with artist Ethan Van Sciver, who has drawn best-selling titles for DC Comics such as “Green Lantern: Rebirth”, “The Sinestro Corps War”, and “Flash: Rebirth” as well. Ethan is one of the best artists in the business today, as well as being a die-hard conservative as well. He’s in the camp of Superman staying an American icon only, while others have been a little more open-minded about the while storyarc. You know, like the fact that Superman is a fucking alien in the first goddamn place!

Superman may have crash-landed in the middle of Bible-belt, small town America and called it home ever since, but does that truly make him an American citizen? (Fanboy correcting me by telling me a story where Supes gets his citizenship coming in 3…2…1…) The real problem that some people, most of them of the older, more conservative crowd, seem to have with Superman renouncing his citizenship is that they are so used to seeing him as part of American propaganda that the idea of Superman not waving an American flag constantly is actually upsetting. Like I said before, the guy’s an alien. Even if he grew up in America, he’s a protector and citizen of the universe first and foremost, get the fuck over it.

For the next America-breaking comic book icon-shaking event, Batman takes a shit and wipes his ass with the Constitution. You heard it here first folks.

See y’all in the funny-books.

Superman Returns....again...

Only a couple weeks ago it was announced that British actor Henry Cavill (if you watched “The Tudors” on Showtime, he played Charles Brandon, and starred in an assortment of shitty direct to DVD horror movies as well) would be the next man to don the red and blue tights of Superman in the upcoming mega-budget reboot of the “Superman” film franchise. Yes folks, we’re getting another “Superman” reboot whether we want it or not, and it’s being brought to us by none other than director Zack Snyder, whose comic book adaptation credits include “300” and “Watchmen”. Do we really need another “Superman” movie? Well, believe it or not, maybe we do…

It was five years ago now (and it sure doesn’t feel like it was that long) that Warner Bros. had spent a quarter of a BILLION dollars on Bryan Singer’s “Superman Returns”, which for all intents and purposes, flopped in comparison to the studio’s hopes and projections. Reception was mixed at best, with some enjoying it and others pretty much slamming Singer for being two steps away from practically plagiarizing Richard Donner’s original “Superman” film. Though Singer intended to pay wondrous amounts of homage to Donner and the original film, the end result was a 2 ½ hour long snooze-fest which had almost zero action sequences and portrayed Superman as being a “super-stalker”, always seeing what Lois Lane is up to in her new life apart from him…and it actually got to be kind of fucking creepy! Not to mention the fact that evil genius Lex Luthor still can’t come up with a better scheme than land control and Supes and Lois have a super-powered son, and well…well, that was “Superman Returns” in a nutshell. I just saved you 2 ½ hours, so you’re welcome.

Anyway, fast forward to 2008. Christopher Nolan scores a massive hit with “The Dark Knight”, and was eventually appointed supervising producer of a new “Superman” movie by Warner Bros. and DC. Singer’s proposed sequel was scrapped, as well as the former cast and crew, in favor of what was then promised to be a “darker” take on the Man of Steel. That statement in itself kind of sets up a bit of a conundrum though: Superman isn’t a “dark” kind of character. He’s the big blue Boy Scout, and aside from being loved by kids, most comic fans look at him as being an uber-lame character with universe-shattering power. But that’s the problem with being the most recognizable and most celebrated comic book character of all time: he hasn’t changed. I’m not saying he should, but we as a society no longer identify with Superman. We’ve become more accustomed and comfortable with celebrating the anti-hero, that’s why Batman has always managed to stay so relevant for decades. Combine that with the popularity of “dark” comic book movie heroes like Wolverine, The Punisher, Blade, and the like; and it becomes incredibly hard to appreciate a character that is just concentrated awesome good.

With that in mind, Nolan brings in Snyder, whose last foray into comic book adaptations saw him make the unfilmable film that was “Watchmen”: the godfather of dark superhero comics. While that film’s reception was mixed as well, Nolan and the studio both hope that Snyder can put a bit of a darker turn on the Man of Steel, and I for one actually kind of want to see it. So far though, it has been revealed that General Zod will return as the main villain of the film. Zod was last played by the great Terrance Stamp in “Superman II” way back in the day, and was awesome as well. Do we really need to see Zod again? I can understand Luthor being a recurring villain, but Zod again? If they want to put a darker spin on Superman, why not used some his darkest villains? What about Brainiac, the villain who had the biggest impact on Superman’s mythology other than Luthor? Or Darkseid, who for all intents and purposes is a God of death? Hell, even Doomsday, the monster that killed Superman in the comics; why not any of them instead of doing Zod over again?

*Sigh*

Believe it or not, even though I’m spouting off all this Superman knowledge, I’m not even a real fan of the character. When I was a kid it was a different story of course, and even today, you can’t pick up a single DC comic and not somehow find him in it somewhere. But that’s okay regardless; he’s just that iconic a character. Everyone knows who Superman is, and everyone knows his backstory…and they know it all whether they want to or not!

He’s that iconic that he deserves another cinematic shot…but if it fails again well…

it may prove that box office busts are so strong that even Superman can’t beat ‘em.