Why You Shouldn't Give Two Shits About "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D"

In 1974, writer/director Tobe Hooper crafted a genre classic with the original (and still best) "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". The film was an uncompromising vision of horror, done in a startlingly realistic fashion that made it seem almost like a documentary. It was disturbing and really got under your skin, which is what made it such an effective horror film; so much so that years later we'd get hordes of sequels, remakes, prequels, immitators, comic books, action figures, and a following that continues to stay strong almost FORTY years later, and a slasher/horror icon in Leatherface that remains one of the most frightening horror antagonists in the history of the genre.

Here we are now, going into 2013, and we've got a new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" flick on the way. While the following films (which included two sequels, a quasi-remake with Matthew McConaughey, a straight up shitty remake which made a shit-load of money, and a shittier prequel to said remake) varied on degrees of quality (ranging from "not bad" to "please fucking shoot me in the face"), it nevertheless hasn't stopped the fact that there's a new one coming, in 3D no less too. The real question is, do we really need a new one at all?

No, we really fucking don't thank you very much.

Maybe I'm just getting soft at my old age, but I'm not looking forward to seeing Leatherface chop up teenagers in lush 3D. The whole scenario of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has just gotten old and stale. Yes, we know that Leatherface and his crazy cannibal family are as looney and unpredictable as they come, but you'd think that considering the last good TCM flick was "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" from the mid-80s that film executives would know when to quit. Unlike other slasher franchises like "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Friday the 13th", which are meant to be both fun and scary at the same time, the TCM flicks have always been set apart from them because they're usually relentlessly terrifying with little to no pitch black humor that the aforementioned franchises have in spades. In this new horror world that is filled with all the "Saw" and "Hostel"-type flicks of the world, the only thing that filmmakers could do to continue setting the franchise apart from its bretheren is to up the ante in terms of blood, guts, and relentless nastiness...and I personally just don't give a shit anymore about that kind of stuff because it's nothing TCM hasn't done to death as it is already.

So please, for fuck's sake, let the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" franchise just die. Even if Tobe Hooper himself came back and decided to direct another flick, I wouldn't be all that interested. When I watch a horror movie, and I watch a lot of them mind you, I hope and pray to see something done a little differently compared to what all I've seen already. After you've seen it all for years within this genre, all you can hope and wish for is something new to come along and kick the shit out of you, while being able to get some great enjoyment out of it as well in the process. You're not going to get that out of TCM 3D, and you know that as well as I do without even having to watch it.

Let TCM die already, it's as beaten to shit as the "Halloween" franchise, and when something gets that overdone, it does none of us any good.

Thoughts On the Hilariously Shitty Remake of "Robocop"

Everything gets remade these days, from classics like “Psycho”, “Dawn of the Dead”, and “Total Recall” to even lesser-renowned films like “The Stepfather” and “The Fog”; so absolutely nothing is sacred anymore…even Robocop. A surprise smash hit in 1987, the original “Robocop” is a classic action film that features more scathing social and political commentary laced in it than many other mainstream films from the era. Now here we are in 2012, and there’s a remake of “Robocop” coming very, very soon…for better or worse.

The new take on Robocop doesn’t come out until at least 2013, but there’s already been a fair degree of viral marketing to facefuck the masses with for now. From ads about OCP (the corporation behind the creation of Robocop) and the ED-209 (the homicidal, often malfunctioning robot that growled), to revelations of some big name casting so far (Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Haley, Jay Baruchel, and Hugh Laurie among others so far), this new Robocop flick is coming along fairly nicely so far, and hey, maybe it’ll even turn out half decent…wait what am I saying? Of course it fucking isn’t…

First off, the prototype art of what Robocop’s new look is going to be was fucking laughable. For Christ’s sake he looks like a goddamned Micronaut. To make matters worse, elements of the film’s script have been leaked…and things are about to get more unintentionally hilarious. While the basic elements remain the same: Detroit cop Alex Murphy is killed in the line of duty and transformed into Robocop, things are drastically different in almost every other regard. He goes through different versions (including the classic and iconic look, which gets laughed at by a “criminal focus group”…yes I’m serious) until finally getting tested on Al-Qaeda terrorists. Oh, and he’s also a transformer. And he can make himself look human and normal when need be. And he has a pet cyborg tyrannosaurus that he rides like a horse. Ok, that last part I made up, but the rest is true.

Anyway, the idea of remaking “Robocop” I can understand. Back in the day, the film was such a hit that it spawned two inferior sequels, a plethora of video games and comic books, a live-action TV show, two animated series, TV-movies, action figures, and more besides…meaning that this was a cash cow once upon a time. Getting a modern day remake of it with the hope that there’s still a decent amount of cash to squeeze out of it makes sense, but making all these changes to Robocop don’t make sense at all. Updated technology is fine, but really making him fight Al-Qaeda? Really? Is he going to have a logo on his chest plate that says something like “Anti-terrorism Cyborg Cop”? That’s not being relevant with modern times, that’s just fucking stupid. And speaking of fucking stupid, why the fuck is he a transformer? Is he going to turn into different vehicles and have all kinds of artillery pop out of his orifices too? Good fucking lord, what a bunch of shit. It’s no surprise that when the plot points got leaked over the internet that it’s been ridiculed all over the place already, and it hasn’t even started filming yet!

All in all, you can tell that I’m not exactly thrilled about there being a “Robocop” remake, but I’m even less thrilled that we’d be getting what surely sounds like one big pile of shit. All we need now is it being in 3-D. Wait what? It is? Great. Stick with the original folks, and give this shit-tastic money-grubbing pile of fuckness a big old middle finger.

Suck My Ass 3-D Part 1: Movies

It seems like every 30 years or so, 3-D seems to make some sort of comeback. Originally started in the 50s/60s era as a cheap gimmick for matinees and cheesy horror flicks, the 3-D format saw a resurgance of sorts in the 80s, once again being in assorted horror films. Whether it was "Friday the 13th: Part 3 (D)" or "Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare", the technology remained the same: using cheap paper cut-out glasses that utilized the effects of light being bent in whatever fucking direction...nevermind I have no idea how it really works, and nor do I really care, but let me get back on track here...

Here we are in 2010, and once again 3-D has reared its ugly head. No longer exclusive to just the horror genre, but 3-D has integrated itself into children's films, science fiction flicks, and even action movies. James Cameron's "Avatar" found the director utilizing new 3-D technology that he himself had spent the past decade plus developing, with the end result being the film becoming the highest-grossing movie to ever see the light of day (don't forget that ticket prices for seeing a 3-D flick in an IMAX theater however will run you about 20 bucks or so depending on where you live, but that's another topic entirely).

The end result for me personally after seeing it in theaters in 3-D: I thought my eyes were going to bleed and eventually explode out my fucking head!

Anyway, sometimes 3-D isn't all that bad depending on how well it gets utilized. A key example would be last year's "My Bloody Valentine 3-D", which not only featured some great visual gags, but like "Avatar", featured the whole film in 3-D and not just certain segments. One film that definitely suffered for the worse thanks to 3-D was the recent "Clash of the Titans" remake, which was never filmed with the intention of 3-D effects, but was decided to be integrated during post-production in an effort to drive up ticket sales after the studio realized just how bad the film was in general. The end result was the film as a whole looked just plain awful in 3-D, and the 3-D effects were so poorly utilized that you'd be better off watching the original "Blob" with the shitty little green and red glasses on.

What I'm trying to get at here in general is that 3-D at its heart is no more than a gimmick, and it is quickly becoming an expensive gimmick at that. Is there really anyone clamoring to see more movies in 3-D? I can understand when something monumental, like say "Toy Story 3", is released to the masses and targeted not only for the appeal of children, but for the appeal of adults as well, utilizes it and ends up taking it to a greater effect. Then again, that's just Pixar for you, who so far has never been able to do any wrong in my book.

While Pixar can do no wrong to me, there sure are plenty more than probably can in the not too distant future. Just over the horizon, we have "The Dark Knight" director Christopher Nolan's "Inception", as well as "Saw VII", "Zombieland 2", the upcoming prequel to "Alien", and James Cameron's "Avatar" sequels as well as his stuck-in-development-hell adaptation of "Battle Angel". There are more 3-D planned movies as well, but for now, this is really all that I can mention without punching myself in the face in pure disgust.

3-D however isn't only limited to the movie realm anymore however. As technology continues to change and improve, we have now gotten to the point that 3-D needs to infringe upon the world of...video games!

Yes, video games in 3-D...but that's for next time folks...

Part 2 coming soon!