JOHN CARPENTER RETURNS TO HALLOWEEN?!?!?!?!

Well, this was unexpected.

A few days ago it was announced that the "Halloween" franchise had found a new home between Miramax (well, technically they were an old home too, but I digress) and Blumhouse (who have been behind a shitload of mainstream and micro-budgeted horror dirges of varying quality). What's even more surprising though is that John Carpenter is going to be serving as a producer on the next installment of the franchise. That's right, John fucking Carpenter is returning to the franchise he helped birth.

Now what does this mean exactly?

Well, in all honesty, probably nothing much. The "Halloween" franchise has had its share of ups and downs (mostly downs) and suffered through mid-series reboots, ignored chapters, and a remake (with a sequel) from Rob Zombie that should have never seen the light of day. Other than "Hellraiser" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", the "Halloween" series has gotten fucked over more times than Zack Ryder in WWE (get that? No? Don't watch wrestling? Fuck you!).

Bringing Carpenter into the fold as a producer is probably for the sake of his name if nothing else. Saying the franchise needs a shot in the arm is saying it lightly, and having Carpenter's name at the marquee would do just that. Thing is though, don't expect him to really have much of an impact on the film itself. Carpenter was a "producer" on that abortion of a remake of "The Fog". From out of his own mouth he claimed his job was to occasionally show up on set and say hello. That's not something that really bodes too well is it?

Now, who knows how this new "Halloween" will turn out with an attachment from Carpenter. Apparently it's going to be a sequel to the first two films and completely ignore everything that came after? Who knows? All I know for sure is that it can't be any fucking worse than either of the Rob Zombie movies right?

STOP WITH THE FUCKING TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE MOVIES!!!

Oh fucking hell, they're doing it again.

I've talked at great length before about how Hollywood just won't let certain franchises die, whether it be "Friday the 13th", "A Nightmare on Elm Street", or "Halloween", so I guess we can add "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" back to that list too. We're getting a prequel (and seriously what is this, like the eighth fucking prequel already?) focusing on the origins of Leatherface.

Yes, we need to have Leatherface have a fucking origin story.

Why is it now that these slasher icons from yesteryear now have to have so much exposition and origins given to them when they get remakes/reboots? Did we really need to see a young Michael Myers grow up in an abusive home with a stripper mother to give us a reason as to why he was the way he us? Remember the old explanation that he was just "pure evil" and that was it? Guess what? That actually fucking worked. The whole origin story given to him for the millennial generation certainly fucking didn't.

So with that in mind, what kind of possible fucking origin could Leatherface possibly fucking have? Let's see: fucked up looking kid, probably gets bullied, has fucked up family life (cannibals are usually pretty dysfunctional am I right?), and discovers catharsis in wielding chainsaws.

I think that will probably be more or less what we'll get with this new flick. See? This soulless bullshit, shameless cash-in garbage practically writes itself with little reason for forethought. Remember that abortion that was "Texas Chainsaw 3D"? I distinctly remember telling you fuckers not to lay down your hard earned cash to see that piece of shit, and you know what? You all did anyway. That movie was just disrespectful to fans of the franchise for a number of different reasons, and this new one probably won't be any different either. Now do as I say this time and DON'T GO SEE THIS FUCKING THING.

The only time we'll stop getting half-baked retreads on old franchises is when we all stop paying to see them. In regards to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" itself though, let's look at the overall chronology of films in the series so far shall we?:

We have the 1974 original...

...followed by Tobe Hooper's 1986 sequel starring Dennis Hopper...

...followed by a third film (called "Leatherface") that was equal parts sequel and re-working of the original kind of...

...followed by "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: New Generation" (only famous for starring a pre-fame Matthew McConaughey and Rene Zellwegger) which was a remake in itself...

...followed by the 2003 remake that made a shitload of money...

...followed by the 2006 prequel to the 2003 remake that was just plain awful...

...followed by the cinematic abortion known as "Texas Chainsaw 3D" which claims to be a direct sequel to the ORIGINAL film from 1974.

You guys get all that?

Yeah, let this franchise die already. I know I say it all the damn time, but this is the one case where I think we can all agree that it has to die, and die right fucking now.

Then again, maybe we'll get a cross-dressing Leatherface again?

ANOTHER "FRIDAY THE 13TH"?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Ho-hum, we're getting another "Friday the 13th" movie...or remake...or reboot...or whatever you wanna call it. Just like every other slasher franchise from back in the day, "Friday the 13th" will never die...and you know what? I think that's actually a good thing...at least in the case of this franchise.

Contrary to what many in the horror community thought, I actually surprisingly enjoyed the 2009 remake/reboot of "Friday the 13th". I understand why many did not, I truly do, but for me personally it delivered the goods in everything that fans of that franchise look for: blood, plenty of boobs, smoking pot, and a very physically imposing Jason Voorhees. Like I said, it wasn't for everybody, but I enjoyed the shit out of it.

Now that brings us to this next new take on the franchise. Normally I'd be shitting all over it and screaming for it to "please die"...but in the case of "Friday the 13th", this is probably one of the absolute few franchises that I never want to die. Why? Well, quite frankly, this franchise hasn't gotten the shaft put to it as much as others of its ilk like "Halloween" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"; both of which have seen numerous sequels, remakes, reboots, prequels, and other sequels that don't count anymore. Both of those franchises are damaged so bad that any new films to come out for either are just...well, they're dead on arrival.

Now I know what you're going to say: "but we had movies with Jason going to hell and him in space and him fighting Freddy! You're a hypocrite!" To that, I would agree with you (mostly), but at least the franchise hasn't been fucked over time after time like those previously mentioned. Maybe I'm just partial because the "Friday the 13th" franchise is probably my favorite slasher series, but even the worst sequels in the series are better than any of the recent films to come out with "Halloween" and "Texas Chainsaw" attached to it.

Now, since we are getting another "fresh" take on "Friday the 13th", depending on how things with it go, maybe we'll eventually have that final nail in the coffin of the franchise hammered upon us if it gets fucked with too much. That wouldn't surprise me in the least honestly, and I'd have to be pretty naive to think that day would never come. That aside, I can still get behind another take on it...for now that is.

Just remember: smoke pot, have premarital sex, and try not to get slaughtered in the process.

Why You Shouldn't Give Two Shits About "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D"

In 1974, writer/director Tobe Hooper crafted a genre classic with the original (and still best) "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". The film was an uncompromising vision of horror, done in a startlingly realistic fashion that made it seem almost like a documentary. It was disturbing and really got under your skin, which is what made it such an effective horror film; so much so that years later we'd get hordes of sequels, remakes, prequels, immitators, comic books, action figures, and a following that continues to stay strong almost FORTY years later, and a slasher/horror icon in Leatherface that remains one of the most frightening horror antagonists in the history of the genre.

Here we are now, going into 2013, and we've got a new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" flick on the way. While the following films (which included two sequels, a quasi-remake with Matthew McConaughey, a straight up shitty remake which made a shit-load of money, and a shittier prequel to said remake) varied on degrees of quality (ranging from "not bad" to "please fucking shoot me in the face"), it nevertheless hasn't stopped the fact that there's a new one coming, in 3D no less too. The real question is, do we really need a new one at all?

No, we really fucking don't thank you very much.

Maybe I'm just getting soft at my old age, but I'm not looking forward to seeing Leatherface chop up teenagers in lush 3D. The whole scenario of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has just gotten old and stale. Yes, we know that Leatherface and his crazy cannibal family are as looney and unpredictable as they come, but you'd think that considering the last good TCM flick was "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" from the mid-80s that film executives would know when to quit. Unlike other slasher franchises like "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Friday the 13th", which are meant to be both fun and scary at the same time, the TCM flicks have always been set apart from them because they're usually relentlessly terrifying with little to no pitch black humor that the aforementioned franchises have in spades. In this new horror world that is filled with all the "Saw" and "Hostel"-type flicks of the world, the only thing that filmmakers could do to continue setting the franchise apart from its bretheren is to up the ante in terms of blood, guts, and relentless nastiness...and I personally just don't give a shit anymore about that kind of stuff because it's nothing TCM hasn't done to death as it is already.

So please, for fuck's sake, let the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" franchise just die. Even if Tobe Hooper himself came back and decided to direct another flick, I wouldn't be all that interested. When I watch a horror movie, and I watch a lot of them mind you, I hope and pray to see something done a little differently compared to what all I've seen already. After you've seen it all for years within this genre, all you can hope and wish for is something new to come along and kick the shit out of you, while being able to get some great enjoyment out of it as well in the process. You're not going to get that out of TCM 3D, and you know that as well as I do without even having to watch it.

Let TCM die already, it's as beaten to shit as the "Halloween" franchise, and when something gets that overdone, it does none of us any good.