25 Years of SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and His Five Most Underrated Games

Sonic the fucking Hedgehog has really been around for 25 fucking years???? Sweet bare-assed baby Jesus, I can't believe it's been that long. It really honestly doesn't seem like it was all that long ago when I first discovered the amazing joys of playing the original Sonic game and running at blazing speeds in 16-bit glory. And now, here we are, 25 years later, and Sonic is still around...well, kinda.

There's a shitload of Sonic games out there, and there's seemingly a new Sonic game every year or so, for better or worse. Sonic has starred in some of the best video games to ever see the light of day (Sonic's 1, 2, 3, and Sonic & Knuckles) to some of the absolute worst games ever made (the 2006 game simply titled Sonic the Hedgehog, and last year's Sonic Boom on the Wii-U). So yeah, he's had good times and bad times, but despite all that, he's still an iconic video game mascot.

So since we all mostly know what Sonic games are good, and which ones are shit, here's a small list of some truly underrated Sonic games that don't get mentioned nearly as often as they should be:

SONIC CD (1993) - Sega CD

One of the handful of games that made a Sega CD worth owning was SONIC CD. This game had the typical kind of Sonic action, but mixed things up with time travel elements to bring new dimensions to the gameplay. This resulted in changing level layouts that gave the game massive replayability. This combined with the fantastic music really made this game stand out. Unfortunately, no one really remembered this game for quite some time. It wasn't until it was eventually re-released on PSN and Xbox Live in 2011 that it started to get the appreciation it really deserves.



KNUCKLES CHAOTIX (1995) - 32X

Yeah I know, Sonic isn't in this, but technically it's still a Sonic game, so blow me. Anyway, you play as Sonic's asshole buddy Knuckles along with a cast of other characters that I don't think have appeared in any Sonic game since. Instead of the speed-based gameplay, this time you are attached to another character using rubber-band physics. This is how you maneuver through the game, and while it takes some time to get used to, it is worthwhile. Sadly because it was on the 32X, no one fucking played it, so the game faded into obscurity. It hasn't been re-released at all either...like at all. I'm hoping that one day Sega remedies that, but it's bloody unlikely.



SONIC ADVANCE 3(2004) - GAMEBOY ADVANCE

While the Sonic games hitting consoles around this time were hit and miss (mostly miss), the Sonic games hitting the GBA were damn good. The first two SONIC ADVANCE games get talked about a lot, but the third doesn't nearly as much as it should. Maybe it's because this installment introduced a team-up dynamic in addition to the amped-up speed gameplay. Either way, this game is a total fucking blast and I still pop it in now and then to this very day.



SONIC COLORS (2010) - WII

I hated SONIC COLORS the first time I played it, just all the other Sonic games that appeared on the Wii. Unlike them however, I warmed to SONIC COLORS. It mixes the 2D and 3D elements of prior Sonic games, and often feels like you're playing a live-action rollercoaster. However, the game actually has seamless mechanics and it looks vibrant and controls super fucking well. Until SONIC GENERATIONS came along and did everything better, I'd actually say that this is the best Sonic game to come out of this era, it just may take a while for you to warm up to it.



SONIC CHRONICLES: THE DARK BROTHERHOOD (2008) - NINTENDO DS

A Sonic RPG? Developed by BioWare (creators of MASS EFFECT, KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC, DRAGON AGE)? On the fucking DS? Are you mad?!?!?!?! Well, such a game exists, and it's actually pretty damn good. Sonic and his whole cast of assholes transition pretty well to the RPG genre surprisingly, There's an engaging combat system and the game is a joy to play. However, it has a cliffhanger ending that will never get resolved, since EA bought BioWare and the game sold like shit to begin with. Still, it's fun and everyone should play it.



So yeah, there's some Sonic games you may have missed out on. If you did, you should go play with. Or go Google search Sonic Rule 34. Thank me later.

10 Overlooked and Underrated Gems Part 1: The NES

Depending what generation you’re a part of, you’ll usually wind up having a chain of video game consoles that you’ve no doubt devoted a plethora of time to and have wound up having some sort of impact on your life. For me, there were really 5 consoles that had major impacts on me: the original NES, the Sega Genesis, the Super NES, the original Playstation, and the Sega Dreamcast. All five of these systems had their heydays and their video game libraries range from being well-known to universally recognized, but for every “Super Mario Bros.” and “Sonic the Hedgehog”, there’s a handful of little-known gems that slip through the cracks that not many people know about. Starting here, I’ll be listing ten games for each of the aforementioned consoles that are underrated and overlooked gems, and they wholeheartedly deserve your attention.

The first console I ever owned was the original Nintendo Entertainment System. Its bulky grey box design was a warming sight and featured a whole shitload of classic titles, ranging from all the Mario games to “Tetris”, “Duck Tales”, “Ninja Gaiden”, and more besides. Throughout its long lifespan, the NES featured a barrage of classics as well as a barrage of shitty games, and in between the cracks were these 10 overlooked gems that not many gave a second look to. Here’s 10 underrated and overlooked NES gems:



10. ROBOCOP 3 (1993)

Movie-based games usually suck no matter what, but for some reason, the various Robocop games on the NES were surprisingly good. “Robocop 3” was no different, and wound up being the best of the bunch. Released late in the life of the console, “Robocop 3” featured some surprisingly great graphics and action gameplay, along with some unique features that include having to repair the damage to Robocop in between levels, with various brands of strategy having to get utilized in the process. The game would end up getting ported to the newer 16-bit consoles at the time, and they wound up being horrible shovelware in the process. Still though, the NES version of “Robocop 3” is a surprisingly great side-scroller, and one of the few movie-based games that is worth your time and attention.



9. BUCKY O’HARE (1992)

Based on the little-watched cartoon, Konami took the “Bucky O’Hare” license and transformed it into a challenging and highly wonderful treat. Playing as the title character, you traverse various planets, rescuing your crewmates, and eventually smashing your way through a monstrous alien ship. It’s hard, almost unapologetically hard, but man oh man is it ever satisfying. Wonderful graphics and sound effects, the game surprisingly makes the most out of the limited 8-bit technology of the NES hardware. It’s a rare find (and pricey) but for NES collectors, it’s essential.



8. SKY SHARK (1989)

A scrolling shooter arcade game, this NES port of “Sky Shark” was looked down upon by purists upon release, but over the years it’s gained some appreciation for being a challenging and fun shooter blast. You pilot a biplane taking out hordes of aircraft and ground-based enemies, with bullets and missiles flying at you from every single angle imaginable. In fact, you’ve got shit coming at you all over the fucking place! It’s a hard son of a bitch, but if NES shooter classics like “1942” and “Gradius” are your thing, check out the criminally underrated “Sky Shark”.



7. GOLGO 13: TOP SECRET EPISODE (1988)

What the fuck is a “Golgo 13” you ask? Golgo 13 is the codename of the master assassin and heartless killer for hire that has been the subject of a long-running manga, numerous animated films and series, and even a few live action flicks starring Sonny Chiba back in the day. In “Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode”, you play as the titular assassin, looking to take down an evil organization. There’s side scrolling action and first person shooter gunplay to be had, as well as some surprising bloody violence and sexual situations (remember, this was Nintendo in 1988 for fuck’s sake). The game is plenty enjoyable, but what stops it from being a true classic is the fact that there are just too many little flaws that make the game harder than it needs to be. Still, it’s plenty enjoyable, and one of the most underrated games in the NES library.




6. STREET FIGHTER 2010 (1990)

We all know Street Fighter. Capcom’s long running series has made a shit load of money and spawned numerous spin-offs, cartoons, films, and merchandise throughout the years in the process. But shortly before Street Fighter II became a massive hit in arcades, Capcom crafted this bastard spin-off of the original Street Fighter…well, that’s at least what it seemed like in America anyway. “Street Fighter 2010” was actually a completely different game in Japan, but it was brought over here and featured a title change, character name changes, and other localizations done to make it what it is known as today. Even though it’s painfully obvious that this game has absolutely nothing to do with Street Fighter, it’s a solid and plenty difficult challenge that deserves to be checked out. It’s gotten a whole shit-load of flack since it was first released here (and still does 20 years later) which is a damn shame, because everything about this game, especially the ghoulish and nightmarish graphics and art design, is simply wonderful. It’s punishingly difficult however, so proceed with caution.




5. TINY TOON ADVENTURES (1991)

As a kid I loved Looney Tunes, but I loved Tiny Toons even more. Konami’s “Tiny Toon Adventures” featured classic side scrolling action with super charming graphics. Beneath all that was some damn fine platforming action elements that were some of the best to be seen on the NES that weren’t from a game developed from Nintendo themselves. You control Buster Bunny to start, eventually being able to select Plucky Duck, Dizzy Devil, and Furrball as well. There’s a plethora of secrets and Easter eggs hidden throughout the game as well, making it a super mega enjoyable blast that you’ll spend plenty of time playing.




4. OPERATION WOLF (1989)

Every NES owner fondly remembers the Zapper light gun peripheral, but for the most part they only remember using it for “Duck Hunt”. “Operation Wolf” was one of a handful of other games to use the Zapper, and the best one in the NES library that wasn’t “Duck Hunt”. You shoot endless amounts of baddies through different stages including jungles, airports, villages, and even concentration camps. For its time “Operation Wolf” was kind of brutal and pulled little punches, making it all the more worth checking out for NES players that never got their hands on it back in the day.




3. MIGHTY FINAL FIGHT (1993)

Capcom’s “Final Fight” series is still regarded as being one of the best beat ‘em up franchises in the history of ever. After being a massive hit in the arcades and spawning a flawed port to the Super NES, Capcom took the game and turned it into “Mighty Final Fight” for the NES. The characters were transformed into super-deformed looking fighters (almost looking like bobblehead people) but the excellent fighting action still managed to remain the same. Released late in the life of the NES, the game only saw a limited release run, making it a rare and expensive find nowadays. Still though, “Mighty Final Fight” is one of the absolute best brawlers to play on the NES, and makes games like “Double Dragon” pale in comparison.




2. CLASH AT DEMONHEAD (1990)

An open ended platformer a la “Metroid”, “Clash at Demonhead” is one of the most head-scratching and jaw dropping games you’ll find on the NES. Its non-linear style of play and wonderfully designed stages make you never want to put the controller down, even when it begins to frustrate the ever-loving shit out of you in the process. If you’re wondering why the title of the game sounds so familiar yet you can’t remember playing it for the life of you, the title was used as the name of a band in the “Scott Pilgrim” books and the massively entertaining “Scott Pilgrim VS The World” movie. It also features a protagonist named Bang. That alone should make you want to play this fucking thing.




1. GUERILLA WAR (1989)

SNK had scored a hit on the NES with their port of “Ikari Warriors”, so they took the same formula and applied it to “Guerilla War”, which was also an arcade hit, but wasn’t so much a hit when it hit the NES. The same style of play applies: shoot the living shit out of an endless amount of villains and baddies. Two-player co-op, shitloads of power-ups, and destructible environments made the game an endlessly entertaining classic that was so overlooked by NES players at large that it should be a crime. Oh yeah, you also play as Che Guevara and Fidel Castro. Yes I’m fucking serious. Check it out goddamnit, thank me later.



Come back next time as I go over the 10 overlooked and underrated gems for the Sega Genesis…bitches.

My Thoughts on a "Blade Runner" Sequel

When it comes to hard science fiction films, they rarely get better than Blade Runner. A 1982 film adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” the film was directed by then up-and-comer Ridley Scott, who was hot off the success of the original Alien and starred Harrison Ford in the role of cyborg hunter Rick Deckard. Though it ultimately failed at the box office when originally released, over the years that followed the film gained a cult following, which blossomed into Blade Runner being renowned as a classic of the genre.

Now, here we are in 2011, and Ridley Scott, who in the years since directed such films as Thelma & Louise, Gladiator, Hannibal, Kingdom of Heaven, and Robin Hood among others, has announced his intention to direct a full-fledged sequel.

Yes folks, nearly 30 years later, and we’re getting a sequel to Blade Runner…whether we want one or not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see more of a look into the dystopian future that Scott adapted from PKD, but for the life of me I can’t imagine a sequel in this day and age that could really carry the flame of what the original film was all about, even if it was directed by fucking Ridley Scott. Personally, I just think Scott’s gone crazy since he decided to direct the upcoming Alien prequel Prometheus (due out next year, and so far it looks wicked) and now he wants to return to the well so to speak by revisiting the genre and films that helped him make a name for himself in the first place.

Yet somehow, I kind of do want to see a Blade Runner sequel. As great as the original film was, it wasn’t quite all that faithful to the source material. I’d love to see a more faithful look at the world PKD visualized, and with what Scott was able to accomplish back in 1982, the sky is literally the limit as to what he and his crew could craft today.

No matter what happens, as of right now this is all hypothetical and only in the planning stages at best. This may never happen, and there’s a strong possibility that it may not. For all intents and purposes, Blade Runner is a cult classic that doesn’t have a gigantic following, even though it is a beloved film now and forever. If anything I always figured someone would get the bright idea to remake it…and now that I’ve said that, watch Scott drop out but the studio decide to go ahead and green light a remake…probably starring a douche bag from Twilight and be directed by Brett Ratner.

Shit…sorry for jinxing it folks.

Uncensored "Judge Dredd" Review for Sega-16!

Remember Judge Dredd? He's a legendary comic book character that infamously got a shitty movie adaptation in the 90s with Sylvester Stallone in the title role. Naturally, there was a video game tie-in to coincide with the film release, and just like the movie, the game sucked ass. You can read the entire original review I wrote for Sega-16 here:
http://www.sega-16.com/review_page.php?id=470&title=Judge Dredd

In the meantime, here's the full-on uncut & unedited review for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!





Judge Dredd (1995) Published by Acclaim Developed by Probe



Why did I do this to myself? Why did I waste so much of my childhood on shitty comic book character-based video games during the 16-bit era? Reflecting back on that time, I can’t honestly say it was time well spent (to say it lightly), with shit-fests like Spider-Man: The Animated Series, Wolverine: Adamantium Rage, Justice League Task Force, Batman Forever, and more besides hitting my Genesis just based on the fact that they starred the comic book characters I loved so much. They also have something else in common too, they were all published by Acclaim; the now defunct publisher responsible for bringing a number of licensed video game tie-in’s to video game form. Judge Dredd is one such game, and like the ones I just mentioned above, it’s pretty fucking wretched.

If you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “who the hell is Judge Dredd?”, then flash back to 1995, because just about everyone else in the country was asking themselves the same thing. Judge Dredd is a surprisingly legendary comic character made famous by starring in the long running British comic book series “2000 AD”; a comic series that has seen great comic book talents like Alan Moore and Grant Morrison tackle the character. American film rights were purchased (it was originally planned as a vehicle for Arnold “GET TO DA CHOPPA!” Schwarzenegger) and eventually it wound up starring Sylvester Stallone in the title role instead. The film itself was practically universally panned by audiences, fans of the source material or not, and because Acclaim could not leave any stone unturned in terms of video game cash-ins, here we are with Judge Dredd.

Now, finally on to the game itself, Judge Dredd puts you in the role of the tough-guy super cop, as he traverses various hazards of the Cursed Earth taking on all sorts of generic baddies and scumbag criminals. That in a nutshell is the overall gameplay, or rather, lack thereof. Walk right, shoot bad guys, rinse and repeat. There are a few weapon upgrades, and you do have the option to actually apprehend and arrest some perps that surrender, but that in itself proves to be kind of challenging thanks to the wonky and unresponsive controls. Even if the controls weren’t so ungodly, it wouldn’t help the fact that the overall gameplay just isn’t any fun. It’s boring and monotonous, and by the time you actually manage to make a perp surrender, you end up shooting them accidentally because your gun is on permanent rapid-fire and you end up losing some health over it. Why does it have to fucking be like that in the first goddamn place? So make that boring, monotonous, and frustrating to boot.

The graphics aren’t anything special, and in all honesty appear to be a little too darkly rendered. Seriously, sometimes it actually becomes pretty difficult to see what all is happening on the screen. I understand that the environment is pretty much a barren wasteland, but come on now, somebody turn on the lights here. This becomes increasingly noticeable once you beat the movie-based levels and reach the areas that are actually based on the “2000 AD” comic and face-off against the Dark Judges on Deadworld. Like I said before, I know this is a post-apocalyptic setting and all that, but at some points in the game it just gets plain goddamn ridiculous.

While keeping the later post-movie levels in mind, the Deadworld stages are worth the price of admission here. They are actually decently designed and pay a nice homage to the actual source material (i.e. not the shit-fest of a film) with the Dark Judges looking appropriately wicked. That being said though, the boss fights in the game as a whole are woefully unforgiving and cheap. There’s no strategy to any of them, just kill them before they kill you. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad if the game offered a bit more variety than the tiresome bore it winds up being, but the end result is just a miserable endeavor.

The game features a password system, which is a plus because Judge Dredd is a pretty challenging game. There are enemies aplenty and it doesn’t take too many hits to gnaw away at your health either, but this isn’t made any better thanks to the game’s shortcomings in terms of control responsiveness and basic overall gameplay. With all that being said, once you run out of lives and its game over, you’ll be too bored and underwhelmed to even bother punching in the password characters to pick up where you left off.

Looking back on the Judge Dredd character, he’s actually gotten a surprising number of video game adaptations on later consoles as well as the PC. Sadly, none of them have been anything remotely better than anything tolerable. It’s a shame really, because Judge Dredd as a character remains one of the most intimidating and unapologetic tough guy, bad ass motherfucker characters to ever be seen in the pages of a comic book, and he deserves a capable video game treatment that would rightfully do him justice. Come to think of it, he kind of deserves a proper film treatment as well. Wait, what? There is a brand new movie called Dredd on the horizon starring Karl Urban? Will it be any good? Could it be any worse than the Stallone version? Who knows? One thing is for sure though, if there’s a video game adaptation of it, Acclaim isn’t around to make it. That in itself is one thing that we should all be thankful for.

3/10

Uncensored "Wrestle War" Review for Sega-16

Alrighty folks, here's my uncensored & unedited review for one of the worst Genesis games I've ever played...WRESTLE WAR!!!!!!!

The edited review I wrote for Sega-16 can be found here:

http://www.sega-16.com/review_page.php?id=997&title=Wrestle War

Anyway, here's the uncut take for you all you video game loving degenerates to enjoy!



Wrestle War (1991)

Published and Developed by Sega

Oh my God this game is bad. I’m not even kidding, this game is fucking horrible. Pro wrestling video games have a long varied history throughout the various console generations. Most prolifically in the 8 and 16-bit eras, publisher Acclaim was responsible for many WWF-based games, but back before Acclaim and the WWF became the norm for wrestling video games, Sega decided to take their chances in the ring with Wrestle War. Now I know what you’re thinking and don’t be surprised that you’ve never heard of this game, due to the fact that Genesis owners never saw it on North American shores. With that being said, we should all be thankful that it wasn’t, because this is one of the most frustrating and boring piece of shit excuses for a wrestling video game in the history of fucking ever.

Originally an arcade game in 1989, Wrestle War puts you in the boots of Bruce Blade, a newcomer to the pro wrestling circuit who is working his way up the championship ladder. This is about as story based as the game gets, but we’re not here to play it for its story after all (and if you do play wrestling video games for their story purposes, seek help retard), we’re here for all the action, all the cheap shots, all the flying off the top rope mayhem that we all know and love. Sadly though, we’re looking in the wrong place, because Wrestle War offers little or nothing like any of that. Instead, we are left with some of the absolute worst controls imaginable in just about any game I’ve played in the Genesis/Mega Drive library, and trust me when I say it, I’ve played some shitty Genesis games in my time, more than even the Angry Video Game Nerd could even possibly attest to (yes I said it). The characters move so stiffly and awkwardly that it’s almost like you’re fighting against the controller more so than your actual opponent. The most important feature of any video game is its controls, and here, Wrestle War fails fucking miserably. Even just punching your opponent can prove to be not just annoying, but nearly impossible to pull off. I’m not even kidding; you’ll be sending your controller flying against the wall in frustration before you even manage to somehow win a match, let alone get to even land a goddamn hit!

In addition to the abysmal controls, Wrestle War boasts an overly bland and just plain boring look (notice how the word “boring” comes up a lot here?). The ring and crowd people are typical stock type, nothing special in the least, but the wrestlers themselves at least appear to be somewhat inspired…and by inspired I mean ripped-off from real marquee wrestlers of the era. You’ll take on wrestlers given monikers like “The Mohawk Kid” and “Sledge Hammer”, which shows that the developers had their tongues planted firmly in cheek when coming up with character ideas, and that in itself is a bit of a plus because this is pro wrestling after all. Other wrestlers, namely “Titan Morgan” and “Don Dambuster” are obviously modeled after industry icons Hulk Hogan and Legion of Doom member Road Warrior Hawk, which kind of adds to the overall appeal character-wise, but at the same time just serves to remind you that what you’re playing is a cheap knock-off of the WWF license and everything that is included with it.

While Wrestle War barely manages to have enough originality to it, the package as a whole won’t keep you coming back for much else. You have to give Sega some credit though for never releasing Wrestle War in the States though, and by some credit, I mean getting down on your hands and knees and thanking Sega for never allowing this turd-bomb of a game to hit your Genesis. Apparently Wrestle War wasn’t well-received enough (if at all) in Japan, Australia, and various parts of Europe to warrant getting released on the American Genesis, and considering that Acclaim’s WWF-licensed games were practically around the corner to hit the system, Sega made a wise move. However, American gamers weren’t completely saved from this garbage known as Wrestle War, as it was included (for some reason, I still can’t figure out why) on the Sega Smash Pack, Vol. 1 compilation for Sega’s Dreamcast, which was released in the waning days of that cult-favorite console’s existence. Just for the sake of reasons to warn retro gamers: the emulation of Wrestle War on the Smash Pack ended up being even worse than the cartridge Mega Drive version if you can believe that. Worse yet? I own that Dreamcast Smash Pack compilation, and hate myself more and more every day for ever buying it, just because of fucking Wrestle War.

To wrap things up, I can’t speak to Wrestle War’s faithfulness to its arcade brethren, for not only have I never played it in the arcade, but I can’t even recall once even seeing a Wrestle War arcade machine, and I was THE arcade rat when I was a kid growing up in the late 80s/early 90s. Regardless of that, I cannot stress enough the vital importance of avoiding Wrestle War if you ever come across it for whatever reason. No matter how cheap you may find it, no matter if you can play the import cart with ease, no matter how much you love vintage pro wrestling video games; avoid Wrestle War at all costs. Trust me motherfuckers; you’ll be glad that you did.

1/10

Uncensored "Spider-Man: The Animated Series" review for Sega-16

If you haven't already checked it out, my review for the "Spider-Man" Genesis game based on the Fox cartoon from the 90s is generating some buzz on Sega-16, so check it out here:

http://www.sega-16.com/review_page.php?id=798&title=Spider-Man: The Animated Series

Anyway, here's the uncensored review in all its glory, enjoy!



Spider-Man: The Animated Series (1995)

Published by Acclaim
Developed by Western Technologies/Marvel Software




Spider-Man has seen a lot of action on the Genesis, with a good chunk of the results being shitty at best. First was way back towards the beginning of the console’s lifecycle with Spider-Man VS The Kingpin, which for all intents and purposes was also the best appearance of the popular Marvel character on Sega’s 16-bit juggernaut. Following titles, Spider-Man/X-Men: Arcade’s Revenge, Maximum Carnage, and Separation Anxiety would be published through Acclaim and ranged in terms of quality (which, like I said before, were mostly shitty but Maximum Carnage is at least tolerable), leading up to this action/platformer based on the popular Fox cartoon iteration of the wall-crawler. Spider-Man: The Animated Series follows the dickhead web-head throughout six levels and features a bevy of villains as well, but the end result sadly proves to be a tiresome bore.

First off, the game looks and plays similar to an earlier Acclaim title based on a popular Marvel character: Wolverine: Adamantium Rage, and yeah, as you may probably guess, that game is a pile of shit too (and actually even worse than this). You run, crawl, swing (barely), and punch your way through a laboratory, a construction site, and more typical stock types of levels, but chances are you won’t get too far due to the fact that the game is just plain boring. Take that as well as some confusing level design into play, and you’ll find yourself spending more time backtracking your way to make sense of just where you’re supposed to go in the first place. Graphically speaking the game doesn’t look bad, but it doesn’t do much to excite either. At least Spider-Man VS The Kingpin was appealing to the eyes.

Assisting you on your quest are all four members of the Fantastic Four. Yes, Mr. Fantastic, the Invisible Woman, the Human Torch, and the clobberin’ Thing are all here to lend you a hand at certain points, but they don’t really add much to the proceedings. The real attraction here is the assortment of villains that appear throughout the game to duke it out with. We’ve got Venom, Doctor Octopus, Lizard, Green Goblin, Scorpion, Chameleon, Vulture, Rhino, Shocker, Mysterio, Owl, Hammerhead, Beetle, Jack O’Lantern, and more besides; and they’re all pretty challenging as well. However, the challenge really comes from the fact that the game’s controls are so delayed that you can actually count about a second or two from the time you press the action button to the time the action is actually performed in the game. That, combined with the fact that a majority of the aforementioned bosses use some real cheap tactics, and the overall challenge really comes down to the game just being somewhat defective by design.

Also, and this is more of a personal gripe to be honest, but why of all the allies Spider-Man could possibly have does it have to be the Fantastic Four? I can only remember them guest-starring on the cartoon during the whole “Secret War” arc, but why couldn’t we have had anyone else instead? Spidey already had Captain America, the X-Men, Ghost Rider, and a couple more besides as back-up in his previous games, but why not include some of his allies from the cartoon that never made it into a Spider-Man video game before like the Punisher, Blade, or Daredevil? Maybe Acclaim wanted to test the waters for a Fantastic Four game for the 16-bit era? Who knows, but they did release a Fantastic Four game for the Playstation though only a year or two later, which stands to this day as one of the worst superhero video games to ever see the light of day. Each of the Fantastic Four have special attacks that take out villains on the screen, including the Thing’s patented “brick-dick” smash where he whips out his dong and lays waste to everyone on screen.

Okay, that part was a lie, but I was really just trying to see if you were paying attention.

Anyway, what’s most surprising about Spider-Man: The Animated Series however is that the game is actually sort of well-revered by gamers. Granted that Maximum Carnage was too, but I can understand the appeal with that game because it actually did offer a somewhat entertaining, button-mashing Street of Rage-style rip-off affair. This game offers cheap enemies, broken jumping and platforming mechanics (some of the jumps are just plain ridiculous and annoying to try to make, think of some of the worst jumps that the old Castlevania games offered to get an idea) and some cruddy level design as well. Why would something like that be so revered I ask? Maybe I’m just terrible at playing it, and if that’s the case, than nothing has changed from the time when I was eleven and popped this in my Genesis for the first time until now.

All things considered, Spider-Man: The Animated Series isn’t abysmal as I’m making it sound, and you’ll definitely find and play worse licensed games on the Genesis than what you find here. Still though, it doesn’t offer much in terms of playability or even having much fun either, but it does offer enough of a challenge that you do kind of want to come back just to prove to the fucking thing that you’re better than it is and will prove it by beating the shit out of it. Do yourself a favor, if you’re a Genesis-owning Spider-Man fan, track down Spider-Man VS The Kingpin instead, or even Maximum Carnage. Either one of those offer a much better take on the Spider-Man universe than this game ever could or ever will.

4/10

Cannibal Holocaust: The Myth, The Legend, The Dog Turd...

During this lovely October month, after compiling lists of my favorite underrated and essential horror films alike, I noticed that some feedback I had gotten involved a nasty little exploitation film that is the absolute definition of a "cult" film, just because of all the controversy it has garnered from the day it was filmed.

The film I'm talking about is "Cannibal Holocaust".

I was a teenager when I first about this film, which was first brought to my attention by Pantera and Down vocalist Phil Anselmo who frequently referenced it on Pantera's DVD as well as some lyrics when he was with Viking Crown. I became interested and immediately scoured the internet, which in 2000 wasn't nearly as massive and information filled as it is today, and managed to find some information out about it that really drew my interest...

Banned in 50 countries

So controversial that its director was sent to prison

The most violent and disgusting horror film ever conceived

And so on and so forth. My interest was quite peaked, and only a couple years later did I finally manage to track down an uncut VHS tape of the 1980 film that I had to have imported over here. And like that, I watched it...and the end results weren't pretty. When I say that however, I'm talking about the film itself...looking back on it now, it's dreadfully overrated.

Storyline wise, the plot revolves around an American anthropologist who travels to the South American jungle after a documentary film crew had disappeared. He recovers a reel of their footage, and soon learns the truth that this crew terrorized, tortured, raped, and murdered the cannibal natives in an effort to stage and sensationalize their documentary film...but never got the chance to because they all get what they deserve.

For starters, the reason that it has been banned in so many countries (many of which have lifted said ban) is not because of its violent content, but for the fact that it actually contains footage of animal cruelty and animal killing. A turtle, monkey, snake, and more so are all slaughtered before the camera, only because director Ruggero Deodato and his film crew were so deep in the amazon jungle without restrictions that he felt he could do just about anything he wanted. Deodato had desired to direct a cannibal film that satired the lengths the media goes to in presenting violent content to its audience, and wound up helping create the legend that goes along with his ultra-violent vision.

Upon the film's first cut and viewing, Deodato found himself arrested and charged with making a snuff movie. The deaths that take place in "Cannibal Holocaust" were so realistic that people thought Deodato actually had these people murdered. That in itself only adds to the "I have to see this for myself" factor of this film. In the end, Deodato would be cleared after presenting all of the actors as still alive, and even staged some effects shots and stunts to prove that it was all in fact fake.

With all that being said, on to the film itself. For the most part, after getting through Deodato's somewhat heavyhanded (though he denies it) approach to pointing the finger at the media, he doesn't make things easy to watch. The film is brutal and unforgiving in its content of murder, cannibalism, rape, and overall just plain cruelty. Even now at 26 and as cynical a gorehound as I've become, I have a hard time watching this thing all the way through. It isn't so much the gore that gets to me, it's just the nihlistic and cruel tone. It's practically pure sadism, which is the one thing I detest about all the torture horror flicks of today like the "Saw" series, and as much as I love horror and gore and all that nasty stuff, sadism just isn't my thing. Plus the acting and dubbing are occasionally atrocious, and Deodato's film technique is just...well...not very talented. Plus, seeing animals get slaughtered? Never more thankful for a fast-forward button in all my life. Needless to say, "Cannibal Holocaust" isn't just a horror film you can have fun with a couple beers to, but it does have its own philosophy to it, which is much more than nearly any horror film around today can offer.

Though "Cannibal Holocaust" may not have the household name of many other films of its ilk despite its somewhat nigh-legendary status, its effect on horror films today can still be seen. The whole handheld camera-POV-style of horror made popular by "The Blair Witch Project"? Thank "Cannibal Holocaust" for that. Without it, we wouldn't have "Blair Witch", or "Cloverfield", or "Diary of the Dead", or even my beloved "The Last Broadcast". This was the movie that set the stage for all of that and more, including all the generic torture flicks that are all the rage today as well.

So with October coming to a close, I fucking dare you to watch "Cannibal Holocaust" if you can get your mitts on it. A couple years back it finally made its way to uncut DVD form, and can still be found online. Watch it if you dare...



Happy Halloween!