Saturday, January 16, 2016

Nick's Belated Review of THE GREEN INFERNO



Well, I finally did it. After months upon months (and actually years) of looking forward to Eli Roth's "The Green Inferno", I finally managed to sit down and watch the damn thing. I've seen so many cannibal movies in my life and there's been such a draught of them that I guess I was looking forward to this film just on general principle mostly. Well, here we are, and I finally watched it...

...and well...meh.

I've been saying the same thing about Eli Roth for years: he has tons of promise and always underwhelms. The best film he ever did was his debut, "Cabin Fever", and that was in fucking 2002. "The Green Inferno" is the first film he's directed since 2007's "Hostel 2", and in between those films he's had his name attached to a lot of shit that includes "The Last Exorcism" and "The Man with the Iron Fists" in varying degrees. "The Green Inferno" was supposed to be the film that really cements Roth's place on the upper levels of horror directors, and while the film doesn't necessarily fail in doing that, it doesn't really succeed either.

Now in talking about the film, this is going to be spoiler-heavy, so be warned. A bunch of college kid toolbags that think they can make a difference follow a charismatic leader named Alejandro on a crusade to the Peruvian jungle to stop the place from getting destroyed. One of the students is Justine (played by Roth's real-life wife Lorenza Izzo) whose Dad is a UN bigwig. After she learns she was only brought along because of her UN connection and Alejandro could care less of what happens to her, the plane they're on crashes and they're scooped up and devoured by a cannibal tribe.

Now all of this is well and good, and you can tell that Roth has watched "Cannibal Holocaust" and "Cannibal Ferox" like a few hundred times each, and Roth actually manages to nail most of the big notes that come with these kind of films (thankfully there's no animal deaths or genital mutilation...though we come close), and when it does, the film is actually pretty damn good and features some wonderful gore effects from industry icons Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger.

Where the film fails though are with Roth's infantile attempts at humor. There's scenes where someone can't stop farting and eventually shits themselves (seriously) and Alejandro decides to randomly start jerking off while they're all held captive...but hey, nothing turns a guy on like seeing someone get eaten alive right? While I enjoy seeing Roth satire social justice warriors, knee-jerk liberal college students, and social media itself; the film's characterizations are piss poor and we care nothing for any of them...in fact, I was hoping Justine and everyone involved would get eaten alive in fantastic detail.

I should also mention that the film is nowhere near as gnarly as I thought it would be. Maybe I'm just desensitized to this shit by now, but it actually felt kind of underwhelming? When the gore did happen, it was great, but some of the CGI-added effects are so piss poor it's not even funny. The ant scene? Oh my fucking god, it's so bad...so fucking bad.

So yeah, "The Green Inferno" is far from a masterpiece, but I enjoyed it for what it was. There's a mid-credits scene that sets up a possible sequel, of which there was supposed to be, but those plans got put on hold in 2013 when this film was first delayed before Blumhouse and Universal rescued it from obscurity. If that sequel ever happens, I'd be okay with it...but it looks like that's a big if.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Saying Goodbye to Bowie, Lemmy, and Angus



So, it's been a rough past few days hasn't it? Motorhead frontman/icon Lemmy Kilmister passed away at the age of 70 before New Year's. Then late Saturday night news of horror icon Angus Scrimm passing at the age of 89 had spread. Then, finally, I woke up this morning to the news that the living legend David Bowie had passed away as well.

Lemmy. Angus. Bowie.

If there's any silver lining to these three passing, it's that each of them made a hell of an impact in the film and music worlds (and surprisingly, all three had varying degrees of success in both industries), and lived long lives and have subsequently left unparalleled legacies.

Lemmy was first exposed to me in my teens through discovering Motorhead through the music of Metallica (yeah, I said that). His music was full of attitude and badassery that made little teenage Nick swoon. I wanted to be just like Lemmy, minus the warts. As the years would go by and I'd get into horror flicks, I'd discover Lemmy making appearances in various horror films like Richard Stanley's "Hardware" and various Troma movies. Plus, being a pro wrestling fan, I'd look forward to seeing Triple H make his way to the ring just so I could hear his Motorhead theme song.

Angus Scrimm was an imposing man. Before he became a horror icon for playing the Tall Man in Don Coscarelli's "Phantasm" franchise, he won a Grammy way back in the day for writing liner notes. After the original "Phantasm", Scrimm would make appearances in many horror flicks throughout the years, ranging from "Subspecies" to "Mindwarp". I had managed to meet the man once at a convention years back. He was very cordial and an overall nice man, and he seemed to genuinely love interacting with fans.

David Bowie. David. Fucking. Bowie. I can't say anything about him that would do the man justice. His legacy and impact is unparalleled. I was first exposed to him in my youth, like many others my age, by seeing him in Jim Henson's "Labyrinth". I'd later discover his other acting works including Tony Scott's "The Hunger" and "The Man Who Fell to Earth"; both of which had their fair share of impact on me. But more so than that, it was his music. I really didn't appreciate Bowie's music until I got older, mainly because I don't think my brain was developed enough at the time to fully appreciate his genius...or maybe because I didn't get my hands on hallucinogens until much later. Regardless, saying Bowie had an impact on me is saying it lightly.

The fact that all three of these guys are no longer among us makes the world a worse place to live in. Thankfully, their art will be eternal and forever beloved, and I can't thank the three of them enough for that.

Friday, January 8, 2016

M.NIGHT SHYAMALAN REBOOTS TALES FROM THE CRYPT?!?!?!?



So...this is news.

M. Night Shyamalan, AKA the writer/director that peaked with his first film "The Sixth Sense" and has made nearly nothing but pure cinematic shit ever since, is going to be rebooting "Tales From the Crypt" for TNT.

Yes you read that right. Motherfucking M. Night Shyamalan is rebooting "Tales From the Crypt". I seriously can't fucking believe this is a legitimate thing that is happening. Holy mother of fucking Satan, hearing this made me literally shit a brick.

A legitimate brick of shit came out of my ass.

To say that "Tales From the Crypt" is beloved to me is saying it lightly. This was what made me begin my love of horror in my youth, and from what I remember, may be my first taste of gore and boobs. Well, we definitely won't be getting either of those on TNT will we? Know what else we're not gonna get?

There won't be a Cryptkeeper.

Yes folks that's right, Shyamalan's first order of business is to can the Cryptkeeper. Ya know, it should really go without saying that "Tales From the Crypt" without the Cryptkeeper isn't really fucking "Tales From the Crypt" is it?

So let's get this straight: we're getting a reboot of "Tales From the Crypt" that will be from the guiding hand of one of the most overrated and self-obsessed directors working in Hollywood today, that will be on prime time basic cable TV, and will feature no Cryptkeeper...

...yeah, this is gonna be great right?

Fuck this. Fuck TNT. And most of all, fuck you Shyamalan.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Nasty Nick's New Year's Resolutions!



Another year over, another year starts. The same old shit cycle continues. 2015 for me kind of totally fucking sucked ass, except for a few bright spots sprinkled throughout. That aside, 2016 is going to be...pretty much the same I think.

Anyway, we're going balls deep into 2016 right fucking now, so I've prepared some good old fashioned New Year's Resolutions...of which every single one I intend to keep. Strap yourselves in assholes, here we go with the resolutions and promises I'm making for this year:

That I intend to fill out my vintage porn collection

That I'll cut my daily masturbation rituals down from six times a day to five

That I will stop wasting my money on cigarettes and steal them instead

That I will no longer refer to the act of fisting as "Puppetwork"

That I will stop dying my socks pink and calling them "wearable prolapsed rectums"

That I won't automatically hate something because it's popular

That I will actually have TAPES all finished by the end of this year



All I can say for sure is that it's probably only the first resolution up there that will actually really happen. The rest of it can fuck on off (though TAPES is coming along nicely finally).

Happy New Year's you fuckin degenerates.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Fuck the Holidays!



Christmas sucks.

The holidays in general suck.

Everything sucks.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I despise this time of year and everything that comes with it. I've never been family oriented or anything like that throughout a majority of my life, so maybe that may have something to do with it...all I know is that this is the time of year where I realize something as a certainty...

...people are assholes.

The holidays are a time when we're all supposed to spread cheer and goodwill to one another. Instead we treat each other like shit if anyone has a differing political opinion, or is of a different religion, etc. It's just more of the same shit as to why we hate each other for no discernible reason other than the fact we're a species of fucking jerk-offs. The worst part about that is that we'll never change. As the years and decades and generations go by, we will just continue to implode as a species instead of going what we should be doing: evolving. We're devolving by the minute because we all have our heads shoved so far up our own asses that we lose sight of reality, and instead have become slaves to the fear-mongering media machine that does their best to keep us all in line and keep us hating each other for one reason or another.

So yeah, Merry Christmas and all that other shit. I really don't mean to be a downer, I really don't. But sometimes this crap just tends to get the better of me and everything gets put in the rear-view mirror.

Despite all the shit I just spouted, I hope you all have a happy and enjoyable holiday, yadda yadda yadda.

I'm masturbating with a candy cane stuck up my ass right now.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Ridley Scott is a Bloody Twat



Ridley Scott is a visionary director, there's no bullshitting about that. Look through that filmography of his: "Blade Runner", "Thelma & Louise", "Gladiator", "Black Hawk Down", etc. Oh yeah...and "Alien". Now I had said some time before that "District 9" director Neill Blomkamp was going to be helming his own entry into the "Alien" franchise that would ignore "Alien 3" and "Alien: Resurrection", and instead be a direct sequel to "Aliens".

That's right: we'd get Ripley, Hicks, Newt, and Bishop back, and pretend that the last two "Alien" movies never fucking happened. This was awesome news when first revealed months ago to go along with Blomkamp's concept art. Needless to say, even though it was probably against our better judgment, we were pretty much looking forward to it. Not to mention the fact Ridley Scott was going to be gracing us with a sequel to "Prometheus"...for some odd reason. Yes, it finally seemed like a good time to be a fan of the "Alien" franchise.

Then Blomkamp's film got thrown in the shitter because Scott decided his film was more of a priority, and so would be all the sequels it would birth.

Now here's the thing: any other time I really wouldn't care in all honesty. "Alien" is something that is near and dear to me and always will be, and I remember all the hype and hoopla surrounding "Prometheus" in 2012. Scott had claimed this really wasn't a prequel to "Alien", but something that takes place in the same universe rather. Well, after middling box office and reception, I guess either Scott or 20th Century Fox decided let's get on the prequel series train right the fuck right now, hence why "Prometheus 2" is now known as "Alien: Paradise Lost"...or is it "Alien: Covenant"...or maybe it'll be some other generic ass title instead.

What we have here is Ridley Scott pissing all over his own legacy. The original "Alien", as we all know, is a classic of science fiction and horror cinema. It put Scott on the map as a visionary director, and marked the beginning of one of the most beloved horror/sci-fi franchises in cinema history. The beauty of it all was that the original film is just so simple when you think about it: it's basically a slasher movie on a spaceship with a few clever surprises and original ideas thrown in along with brilliant acting and set design. These new films, while no doubt will more than likely be sights to behold (Scott's films are marvels of cinematography and just have a feeling of large-scale epicness) are little more than studio-pushed cash-grabs, and the fact that Scott will be in the director's chair for them is just disappointing.

So yeah...can you tell I'm not looking forward to it?

Oh, Ridley Scott is working on a sequel to "Blade Runner" too. Upon further examination, I have come to the conclusion that Ridley Scott is a cunt.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

THERE'S A NEW MST3K?!?!?!!?



Nostalgia can be a bitch. I've ranted and raved about the effect of it plenty of times before, considering we've seen revivals of everything from Star Wars, Star Trek, Ghostbusters, Godzilla, and plenty, plenty more besides. Now, we're about to get something that I know just about all of us are nostalgic for...

...motherfucking Mystery Science Theater 3000.

That's right you fucks, we're getting a revival of MST3K, and unlike just about all of the other revivals, reboots, retreads, etc., this is a revival I can totally fucking get behind. Somehow, someway, that show has managed to resonate with people even after close to two decades of being off the air. How the fuck is something like that possible? A show about three assholes riffing on terrible movies that has managed to not only stay in the public consciousness, but also has somehow even more surprisingly managed to hold up.

That in itself isn't just an extreme rarity, it's practically impossible to do so, and MST3K has done just that.

There's been news of casting current nerdcore-types like Felicia Day and Patton Oswalt in villainous roles (as the daughter of Dr. Forrester and son of TV's Frank), which is all well and good I guess, but aren't they a little too...mainstream for something like MST3K? One of the charms of MST3K, at least to me anyway, has always been that it's a cult show (that somehow has managed to achieve widespread appeal all this time). The pessimist in me is concerned that this new take on the show will lack the charm, and humor, of the original series and will instead rely on more conventional structure to appeal to a mainstream audience. I sincerely hope that this isn't the case, and I'm just being a cynical bastard.

No matter what, I'll be checking out this new take on MST3K. I hope to fucking Christ I'll be pleasantly surprised by the end result.