What the fuck happened to "True Blood"?

Oh “True Blood”, what the fuck has happened to you? Here you are in your fourth season of existence, and you’re just sucking (no pun intended) so goddamn much these days that I can’t even put it into words anymore. Blasphemy you may say, as the show’s ratings are doing better than ever and the series has achieved a beloved fanbase that rivals another HBO smash hit show that went off the deep end towards the end, “The Sopranos”. Then again, it isn’t all that hard to love a show that features supernatural elements, blood, and Anna Paquin’s tits. That all being said, let’s take a look at what the fuck has happened to “True Blood”…

The first two seasons of the show, the second one in particular, I absolutely loved. For so long I looked at “True Blood” as something along the likes of being something along the sort of a “Twilight”-esque affair, but with balls, blood, tits, and no douche bag metrosexual sparkly vampires. Well…things changed quite heavily in the third season. Werewolves were introduced, which wasn’t so bad (and something I actually looked forward to), but now here we are with fairies, trolls, witches, and other assorted elements of the paranormal fantasy-esque ideas that just drain all the fun out of the show.

That in itself is my biggest pet peeve with “True Blood” today; it just isn’t fun anymore. There was never an assortment of great writing or acting to be featured on the show before, but it had its own brand of charm to it that made it devilishly enjoyable. Now, it’s just ridiculous. What’s next? Are we going to have zombies, giants, and fucking Keebler elves coming out of the woodwork to take on the vamps? Is the whole Eric losing his memory bullshit ever going to be anything but boring? Is Tara ever going to fuck off and die, or what else is she going to become besides a butch lesbian MMA fighter? Seriously, where the fuck else is “True Blood” going to go before it finally completely goes off the deep end?

Now, keep in mind that for a show about vampires existing in the modern world, I don’t expect any brand of realism, but I expect it to be at least fun. As for the books that the show is based upon, I’ve never read a single one, but from what I’ve heard from people that have, they tend to get progressively worse as they go on. With the way that “True Blood” has been going thus far, I think that it’s safe to say that this is a sign of things to come for the show…

…and there’s only so much that blood and Anna Paquin’s tits can do to make up for a progressively shitty TV show.

What I Thought of "Captain America: The First Avenger"

WARNING: There are some small spoilers ahead, so be careful upon reading if you haven’t seen “Captain America” yet.



The last time I saw a movie based on Captain America, it was the early 1990s and there was a direct-to-video adaptation starring the son of J.D. Salinger in the title role. His mask had rubber ears (for real) and his Nazi arch nemesis the Red Skull was transformed into an Italian douche bag. Needless to say, it was pretty fucking awful.

Now fast forward to 2011, and here we are with “Captain America: The First Avenger”; a big budget adaptation of the classic Marvel icon that serves as a precursor to the eagerly anticipated take on “The Avengers”, which finds Cap uniting with fellow Marvel icons Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Black Widow (Scarlett Johanson), Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) to take on an assortment of baddies. Did this new take on Cap do the character justice? Fucking eh right it did!

First off, let it be known that Cap has for the most part been known as a fairly lame superhero. He’s pretty much Marvel’s version of Superman: a do-gooding boy scout of a superhero and an American propaganda tool at that. Still, despite all that, there was always something about Cap that really got to me even when I was a kid. There’s just something about him that always seemed some kind of badass to me despite his goody-good demeanor and presentation. Thankfully, this new “Captain America” fully illustrated all that and more.

Chris Evans, who has been in a shit ton of comic book movies over the past few years (the two abysmal “Fantastic Four” flicks, “Push”, “The Losers”, “Scott Pilgrim VS The World”) stars as the weakling turned super soldier, who is the very definition of the word hero. He has a never say die attitude and just wants to do the right thing. That in itself is what really puts the “hero” in superhero for Cap, and thankfully director Joe Johnston (“The Wolfman”, “The Rocketeer”) recognizes this in spades.

The film as a whole is a fairly breezy affair, but nevertheless it’s an enjoyable set-up for “The Avengers” and features a fairly good turn by villain extraordinaire Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith from “The Matrix” flicks) as the Red Skull. It isn’t perfect, and it isn’t the best Marvel movie you’ll ever see, but it does the character plenty of justice in the end, and really you can’t ask for much more than that. By the time it comes to an end, it’s the present day and the fateful meeting between Cap and Nick Fury perfectly sets up what’s to come next, which we get a very small dose of after the credits as we see a quick teaser of “The Avengers”. The fact that this film is being made with big-name actors makes me feel like a little kid again; which in itself is no small feat. I can safely say that my usual brand of rampant cynicism isn’t on overdrive here, and yes, next May can’t fucking come soon enough.

So no matter how you may have thought of Captain America as a character, if you’re a Marvel fan in the least you should definitely check out “Captain America: The First Avenger”; it’s a surprisingly fun trip, and it won’t make you gag on over-the-top American ideologies and clichés either.

Shit I've Learned in 27 Years

Just yesterday, July 22, I turned 27 years old. Yes sir, I’m pushing 30…and no one is more surprised that I’ve lived this long than me, thank you very fucking much. Anyway, in my 27 years of life on this Earth, there have been a number of things that I’ve realized over the years, most of which haven’t changed in that time, and probably won’t for the foreseeable future either. So here we are with a list of shit I’ve come to realize in my 27 years of hedonistic existence, so strap yourselves in folks and fucks.

Shit I’ve realized in 27 years:



Pulling out isn’t always the best option

The douche-y jock in high school is still a douche today; he just drives a pickup truck now

There is no better destination for scripted “reality” television and teenage exploitation than MTV, now more than ever

Chewing tobacco is, and always will be, the most trashy and disgusting shit in the history of mankind

It’s never a good idea to light up a sparkler in a meth lab

You can meet all kinds of interesting people in prison

“The Matrix” movies are fucking stupid, especially after you discover all the other films and media the Wachowski Brothers ripped off to create it

Poking holes in your friend’s condom stash with a thumbtack is an awesome prank

Performing “Jackass”-type stunts is always funny

Telling chicks you’re Batman will not get you laid

Telling chicks you know Batman will not get you laid

Calling your car the Batmobile will not get you laid

Using your first name followed by “mobile” (i.e., Nickmobile) to point your car out to a chick will not get you laid

Baby oil and candle wax are a recipe for fucking disaster

Hipsters are new-age beatniks but are nowhere near as cool and are twice as self-indulgent

Just because you’re able to knock stuff off your table with your schlong does not make you special, even if it is fun to do

Not everyone thinks “Beavis & Butt-Head” is funny

People who don’t like “Beavis & Butt-Head” have no sense of humor and take life too seriously

Just because a stripper happens to be a midget does not mean that you can throw quarters or 50-cent pieces at her instead of dollar bills

If it often burns when you pee you should see a doctor and frequent Baby Dolls in Douglassville all the less often

No one thinks I’m funny



Well, that’s all fucks! See y’all in the funnybooks…

"The Dark Knight Rises" First Impressions

It started in 2005 with “Batman Begins”, and now six years later, Christopher Nolan’s Batman films have achieved an almost legendary status. “Batman Begins” was the Batman film that Bat-fans had craved for years: an honest-to-God origin story set in a realistic tone. In 2008 with “The Dark Knight”, we got a sequel that took Nolan’s realistic approach to the iconic character to new heights…but that’s something that we all know.

Now, here we are in 2011, and we’ve had our first official glimpse at “The Dark Knight Rises”, the third and final Batman film to be directed by Nolan, and if the tagline of the teaser trailer promises anything, it’s that this is indeed the end (hell, I swear that “The End” by The Doors played in my head throughout the teaser, but I digress). After seeing the teaser trailer, there are plenty of questions that have risen (no pun intended) so let’s just make a rundown here of what we know from seeing the trailer so far…

We catch scenes from both “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight” as we hear a voiceover from Ra’s Al Ghul (Liam Neeson) from the first film, followed by a shots of Gordon (Gary Oldman) lying on a hospital bed having a conversation with Batman/Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) about how bad Gotham needs Batman back. This is followed by glimpses of Bane (Tom Hardy), the roided-up super villain that broke Batman’s back in the comics…all of which concluding with a quick glimpse of Bane getting ready to take on what appears to be an injured or winded Batman (and just who the hell is that standing in the background?) There are no glimpses of Catwoman (Anne Hathaway) to be found, or of any of the new characters and additions to the cast (Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard). With all that being said, it’s time to make some half-assed (possibly) predictions about what “The Dark Knight Rises” has to offer…

First off, like I said before, Bane breaks Batman’s back like a twig in the comics. His comic book form is that of a hulking brute that uses a drug called “venom” to get enhance his size and strength, along with the fact that he’s also a criminal genius. In his introductory storyarc in the comics, Bane figured out that Batman is Bruce Wayne, and proceeded to tire him out and wear him down by breaking the inmates out of Arkham Asylum, and then putting the Bat-bitch-slap on Batman when he was at his weakest. Could that be what happens in the film? There have already been reports that this is going to sort of be what happens, and that in Batman’s absence Catwoman and others attempt to take up the reigns of saving Gotham City, leading to Batman’s return, as he rises above and saves the day (maybe that why it’s titled “The Dark Knight Rises” perhaps)

Something else that is known thus far is that actor Josh Pence is playing a younger version of Ra’s Al Ghul, and has some sort of tie to Bane in the film. At the end of “Batman Begins”, Ra’s was burned up into a crispy critter, but it was also reported that Liam Neeson filmed some sort of role for the new film. Is it a flashback then perhaps? More than likely, even though Ra’s Al Ghul is an immortal villain in the comics, Nolan’s films have steered far away from supernatural elements and only focused on making things as realistic and believable as possible, so the Liam Neeson take on Ra’s is probably a flashback, unless Nolan is playing some kind of big time trump card. Speaking of trump cards, Marion Cotillard is playing a woman named Miranda Tate, with all rumors saying that the name is really an alias for Talia Al Ghul, the vengeful daughter of Ra’s. Maybe this is going to end up tying everything together somehow? I have no idea honestly, but it’s fun to theorize nevertheless.

With all this in mind, I haven’t even really gotten around to talking about what role Catwoman is going to play in all this. Will she be an out and out villain, or an unlikely ally? Or maybe a little of both? Since “Batman Begins”, Nolan has made a habit of only revealing as little or as much as he wants to in terms of making the audience want more, and with the film a year away from hitting the big screen, there’s still plenty more to be revealed and dissected over. Hell, it doesn’t even finish filming until later this year, but I for one am dying to see what gets revealed next, leading up to what’s going to be the last Batman film to feature Nolan, Bale, and the rest of the principle cast and crew.

Next summer can’t fucking come soon enough.

The 10 Most Badass Foreign Films of the Past Decade

Talking so much about what’s been going on with an Americanized remake of “Oldboy” the last time around got me thinking about the differences between most American and foreign films. Mainstream American cinema is more often than not way too watered down for my tastes. Also more often than not, the mainstream American film industry is pretty much used as an expensive method to market product and behavior to the populace, and is just too soft to really digest as anything other than boring, unimaginative bullshit…but enough about American cinema. This blog is devoted to my favorite ten foreign films of the past decade that are the absolute definition of badass. Note that these films are listed here in no particular order, as its just way too hard for me to really rank them all in a true top ten list. With all that being said, here we are with my ten most badass foreign flicks of the past decade:



BATTLE ROYALE (2000)
Director: Kinji Fukasaku

Okay, technically “Battle Royale” shouldn’t fall under the criteria for this list (considering that it’s eleven years old), but “Battle Royale” is so fucking badass that it makes this list anyway. Based on the popular manga of the same name, “Battle Royale” asks the question “could you kill your best friend?” The story takes place in the near future of Japan, as a large group of Japanese students is placed on an island with weapons and rations and are forced to kill each other for the entertainment of the TV audience. A hardcore-ish take on “Lord of the Flies”, “Battle Royale” is shocking, graphic, brutal, and stunningly gripping and emotional to boot. All that being said, “Battle Royale”, like most of the films on this list, is definitely not for everyone and certainly not for the faint of heart either. A massive hit in its native Japan, the film was followed by a lesser-well received sequel, but that aside, the original “Battle Royale” is a classic.



THE CHILDREN (2008)
Director: Tom Shankland

I had mentioned “The Children” before in my multi-part 50 Best Horror Films You’ve Never Seen series last Halloween, and it certainly is as well as being one badass British horror film. The story revolves around a group of friends and families that gather together for a relaxing Christmas vacation, only for some unknown virus to affect the young children and make them turn into murderous psychos. In terms of horror, “The Children” is fucking terrifying. It has genuine shocks, scares, and surprises that build up to a violent and chilling climax that will stay with you long after the credits roll. Released as part of Sam Raimi’s Ghost House Underground series, “The Children” is certainly the best film to ever be featured on that direct-to-DVD line.


THE HOST (2006)
Director: Joon-ho Bong

A Korean monster smash, “The Host” revolves around a bickering family that unites to save the young daughter of the immature and incompetent eldest son when a blood-thirsty beast emerges from the Han River. “The Host” isn’t a gore-fest in the least, but it does feature some impressive monster effects and healthy doses of action sequences, as well as being a very gripping film in itself as well. It did get a theatrical state-side release and has garnered a cult following over here as well, and remains one of the best monster movies to see the light of day in quite some time.



I SAW THE DEVIL (2010)
Director: Jee-woon Kim

How far would you go to get your revenge? In “I Saw the Devil”, a Korean secret agent finds himself on the trail of the psychopathic serial killer that murdered his fiancé, but his agenda is a little more complex than simply tracking the cocksucker down and whacking him. Instead, he proceeds to play a very dangerous game in physical and psychological torture with the killer, so much so that it soon begins to blur the line of whether he’s a hero, or a monster himself. You won’t find many films like “I Saw the Devil” in any country, for this is flat out just plain ballsy filmmaking. The questions of morality and the line between what’s good and what’s evil are only heightened by the ultra violent action scenes, which are a sight to behold in themselves. Be warned though, this is one film that definitely isn’t for everyone, and definitely not for the faint of heart.



ICHI THE KILLER (2001)
Director: Takashi Miike

Wow…this is some fucked up shit right here. That was generally my first reaction the first time I saw “Ichi the Killer”, which is one of the bloodiest, goriest, most ridiculous splatter-fests in the history of film. I’m not even kidding, shit happens in “Ichi the Killer” that you just have to see to believe. What happens when two masochistic killers come across one another? Nothing good, but there is a never-ending assload of blood, guts, and torture…and it’s so memorably ridiculous that I’m really having a hard time putting it into words. One of Takashi Miike’s best and most infamous films, “Ichi the Killer” is something that you will NEVER be able to forget.



INTACTO (2001)
Director: Juan Carlos Fresnadillo

One of the most interesting (and confusing) films I’ve seen in the past few years, the Spanish thriller “Intacto” revolves around a group of four people who all have one thing in common: they all share an incredible degree of luck. One of which is a thief and the lone survivor of a horrible plane crash, one is the survivor of a horrific earthquake and has the power to rob one’s luck with just a touch, one is a casino owner and Holocaust survivor, and the last is a female police officer who survived the car crash that claimed her family. Their stories intertwine as questions are raised regarding luck, fate, and destiny; and the stakes that people can go in which to control all these seemingly uncontrollable aspects. If anything, “Intacto” has the vibe of a “Twilight Zone” episode going for it, with some incredibly taut and thrilling scenes, the most notable of which being blindfolded and bound people running through a huge forest in an effort to test their own luck. Mind-boggling to a degree, but wonderfully captivating as well.



LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008)
Director: Tomas Alfredson

Remade here in America as the surprisingly good “Let Me In” (yes, I’m still living down blasting it before actually seeing it), the Swedish horror tale “Let the Right One In” revolves around young pre-teen Oskar, who is frequently bullied and yearns to take revenge on his abusers. His new next door neighbor is a 12-year old girl named Eli, and shortly after making herself known, a series of grisly murders takes place in the neighborhood, leading Oskar to realize that Eli is a vampire. Otherwise known as “Twilight” with balls, the original “Let the Right One In” is a brilliant and intelligent horror love story that became an international smash. Its shocking imagery and grim undercurrents combined with the surprising amount of thoughtfulness to the story elements without it going into a full-blown horror gore-fest make the film something of a unique piece. Needless to say, if you haven’t seen the original “Let the Right One In” and you’re a fan of the vampire genre, you are really missing out here. “Twilight” and even “True Blood” die-hards need not apply.


OLDBOY (2003)
Director: Chan-wook Park

I've spoken so much about "Oldboy" that it's practically ad nauseum at this point, and there really isn't much else I can say about it at that. Still though, everything that is featured in "Oldboy" is strikingly original, incredibly shocking, and even occasionally appalling. Like I said before, this film may be one of the absolute ballsiest films I've ever seen in my entire life. The fact that this is getting an American remake from Spike Lee just dumbfounds me, but then again I said the same thing about "Let Me In", so I could be completely wrong too. Regardless, this is a shocking, thought provoking, gut churning film that deserves your attention.



[REC] (2007)
Director: Jaume Balaguero and Paco Plaza

Remade here in America as “Quarantine”, “[REC]” takes the whole handheld camera horror genre to new degrees of creepy and terrifying. A young TV reporter and her cameraman are covering the overnight shift at a local firehouse, and caught in the action when they are dispatched to an apartment complex upon receiving a call of a woman trapped there and in trouble. Upon entering, they encounter the tenants, who have undergone a bizarre, almost zombie-esque transformation…and there’s no way out. I personally have never been much of a fan of the whole handheld camera horror sub-genre, but the way that “[REC]” does it adds some fresh ideas and some hardcore shocks to boot. Its grim denouement sets up a surprisingly good sequel (that was finally released on our shores just recently) as well as promises that there is more to come as the franchise has been a big hit in its native Spain. The “Quarantine” remake was practically a shot-by-shot remake of the original, only with crappy actors and watered down shocks; see “[REC]” instead.



SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004)
Director: Edgar Wright

No matter what your favorite film genre is, no matter what nationality you may be, you know this movie one way or another. Director Edgar Wright re-united with his a good chunk of his crew from his classic BBC series “Spaced” and proceeded to create one of the best horror comedies in recent memory. “Shaun of the Dead” finds lifelong British slackers Shaun (Simon Pegg) and Ed (Nick Frost) in the middle of a zombie outbreak as they rush to survive, while Shaun seeks to win back his long-suffering girlfriend in the process. With tons of odes, tributes, and acknowledgements to the zombie genre and its various creators (most notably George Romero), “Shaun of the Dead” was a smash international hit, and has become one of the most beloved and revered horror comedies…well, maybe ever. If you haven’t seen it, you must have been living under a rock for the past seven years.



Well, that’s all for now folks, so if you’ve become as tired of the dull American cinema as I have, do yourself a favor and check these films out if you can. And, just for shits and giggles, here are some other badass foreign flicks from the past decade that didn’t make the final cut, but are more than worth checking out regardless:

The Alien Girl
Antibodies
Cold Prey
Pan’s Labyrinth
The Orphanage
Them (Ils)
Timecrimes
Shiver
The Substitute
The Horseman
Red Hill
New Police Story
[REC] 2

Oldboy: A Spike Lee Joint...WHAT?!?!?!?!

Spike Lee is doing an Americanized remake of “Oldboy”.

Yes, you read that right…now let that sink in…

Spike fucking Lee is remaking “Oldboy”…what the fuck?

Not that I have anything against Spike Lee, granted that his films of late have been more miss than hit, but the fact remains that this is the absolute wrong guy to helm an Americanized remake of the 2004 Korean classic. Let’s face facts, “Do the Right Thing” was a hell of a long time ago, and to be totally honest, the only other film of his I actually dug was “Inside Man” a few years back, mostly because it lacked the typical Lee brand of racial undertones, and was a convincing and competently helmed thriller that still had a decent amount of flaws.

For those unfamiliar with “Oldboy”, the story of the film revolves around a drunkard who one night is kidnapped and imprisoned for 15 years. No explanation given, no reasoning, he’s just locked away in a room by unknown takers. After 15 years have passed, he is released just as abruptly as he was kidnapped, and is given five days by an unknown mastermind to seek his vengeance. What made “Oldboy” so damned good weren’t just the visceral thrills, it was the underlining themes that presented the extreme depths of the human soul, and featured one of the absolute most frightening and shocking twist and climax, and a conclusion that will stay with you long after the credits roll.

Now a few years ago it was reported that Steven Spielberg was interested in directing an American take on the film with Will Smith (seriously) in the starring role, but that seemingly faded away. Now here we are in 2011, and it appears that it’s full steam ahead for “Oldboy: A Spike Lee Joint”. Like I said already, it’s not out of any disrespect for Lee, just the fact that there’s no way a mainstream American take on “Oldboy” can ever retain the flat-out ballsiness and shock value that the original film offers. I don’t want to give anything away spoiler-wise for anyone that hasn’t seen the film, but trust me when I say that this is something that would have to be extremely watered-down for mainstream American cinema consumption; so much so that it will more than likely bear little resemblance to the film that it’s based upon.

Now let it be known that it was only a little more than a year ago that there was an American remake of another foreign favorite of mine: “Let the Right One In” was made into “Let Me In”, and I practically boycotted the fact that it was getting an American remake. I had no desire or intention to see it, solely basing that on the fact that I figured there was no way that the remake could ever match the ballsiness and creativity of the original…and I wound up being completely wrong about “Let Me In” in the end. Maybe I’ll be wrong about a Spike Lee-directed remake of “Oldboy”, and maybe I’ll be doing another mea culpa further down the road like I did after watching “Let Me In”…



…but I doubt it.



On a further note, watch “Oldboy”; if you can only watch one foreign film in your whole life, this is the one to see. It’s easily found on DVD, and it’s currently available to stream on Netflix too. Trust me, you’ll be gripped to your seat and glued to the screen the whole running time.

Jaromir Jagr...WTF?!?!

It seems that like the beginning of every Free Agency period every off-season in the NHL is a flat-out circus. I had already mentioned my slight displeasure at the Flyers surprise off-loading of Mike Richards and Jeff Carter for an overrated goaltender that doesn’t respond well to pressure, and a handful of young players and prospects, but on the first day of Free Agency, the Flyers managed to surprise yet again with one of the flat-out strangest signings I can ever remember them making. They signed a player that at one time (specifically the 90s) managed to run all over the team whenever they clashed, a player who has spent the last three years playing in Russia’s KHL league and many thought would make a return to the Pittsburgh Penguins to properly close out his career in the NHL…

Yeah, you remember this guy named Jaromir Jagr?

Growing up a hockey fan throughout my youth in the 90s, the biggest names in hockey were Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux: two legendary players that re-defined the way the game is played. Behind them though was Jagr; the magnificently talented Czech who seemed to do no wrong playing with Lemieux in Pittsburgh. Even when Lemieux was absent due to injuries or his multiple retirements, Jagr carried the Penguins to the playoffs seemingly year after year, capturing scoring titles and even a Hart Trophy for MVP. The man, the mullet, the ability to turn a game upside down by himself, that was the Jaromir Jagr we all know and remember.

But that was quite some time ago.

Having last played for the New York Rangers three years ago, and still making an impact in the league mind you, Jagr bolted for the KHL seemingly in pursuit for more cash, and why not? He’s been a Stanley Cup champion, an MVP, an Olympic Gold Medalist; he’s done it all. So it only seemed natural that Jagr would come back to the NHL to bookend his career playing for the team that he did so much for in a long period of time…

…then he goes and shocks the shit out of everyone and signs with the fucking Flyers.

Unlike a majority of Flyers fans, I was actually excited (albeit fucking bewildered) about the signing. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I’d ever see Jaromir fucking Jagr in the orange and black. I never thought there may come a time when he’d be playing on Philly ice and actually getting cheered (which granted, hasn’t happened yet). I never thought I’d see the Flyers make such a bizarre signing either…but then again I never thought I’d see the Flyers jettison the supposed “core” of their team either. Please note that when I say the signing of Jagr is bizarre, I mean that in terms of it being completely unpredictable; no one could believe that this has happened. Since the signing, there have been plenty of detractors, but one thing here is for sure, this may in fact be the most interesting and drama-worthy lineup the Flyers have had in quite some time.

Now, just think about this for a second: a locker room that features frequently outspoken guys like Jagr, Chris Pronger, Ilya Bryzgalov, and Scott Hartnell. Can you see any personality clashes on the horizon? I would fucking love to be a fly on that wall when the losing streak starts…

Fuck Michael Bay, Fuck Transformers...Fuck Me Sideways

Michael Bay represents everything that is wrong with the film industry today. Massive explosions and ultra-flashy action sequences, incoherent plots (if any plot at all), and overly taking himself way too fucking seriously in the process. His “Transformers” films represent this as well, and are quite possibly some of the biggest pieces of mechanical dogshit that you’ll ever see. Now don’t get me wrong, 2007’s “Transformers” was a surprisingly enjoyable film that delivered the goods and showed audiences something we hadn’t seen before: namely giant fucking robots transforming and laying waste to each other and major metropolitan cities. By the time 2009 rolled around with “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”, seeing such scenes had already worn thin, and the novelty had already worn off. Not to mention to the fact that “Revenge of the Fallen” featured an incredibly mind-numbing storyline and incoherent action sequences that NO ONE had any fucking idea what the hell was going on.

Now, here we are in 2011, and Bay has unleashed what is supposedly the final film in the franchise with “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”; a film so insulting to viewer’s senses and intelligence that I really think you can actually become dumber upon watching it. Between featuring a Victoria’s Secret model’s atrocious acting (and fine ass) in a starring role, an incredibly uncomfortable homophobic joke scene, off-the-wall ridiculous plot holes that may cause viewers to suffer brain aneurisms, and a depressed Megatron sitting on a dumpster (yes, you read that right) that gets conned into helping save the day. Yeah…and you thought “Revenge of the Fallen” was bad.

Now let’s get one thing out of the way here. When I was a kid, “Transformers” was my absolute favorite cartoon series and toy franchise out there, so the nostalgic factor alone that gets pissed all over here is enough to make me infuriated at seeing my once beloved “Transformers” has become nothing more than a 2 ½ hour long commercial for flashy cars, mass explosions, hot chicks in scantily clad garments, and Shia LeBeouf filling the screen with his wanker presence. Now, thanks to all that, when someone hears the word “Transformers”, they will automatically think of Michael Bay’s film franchise instead of the 1984 cartoon, and they will groan in disgust and bewilderment that Bay is still allowed to make movies, let alone ones featuring giant fucking robots.

Oh yeah, I’m still waiting for the “Transformers” porn spoof goddamnit, because I know that THAT would be much more entertaining than this bullshit.