Fuck Michael Bay, Fuck Transformers...Fuck Me Sideways

Michael Bay represents everything that is wrong with the film industry today. Massive explosions and ultra-flashy action sequences, incoherent plots (if any plot at all), and overly taking himself way too fucking seriously in the process. His “Transformers” films represent this as well, and are quite possibly some of the biggest pieces of mechanical dogshit that you’ll ever see. Now don’t get me wrong, 2007’s “Transformers” was a surprisingly enjoyable film that delivered the goods and showed audiences something we hadn’t seen before: namely giant fucking robots transforming and laying waste to each other and major metropolitan cities. By the time 2009 rolled around with “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”, seeing such scenes had already worn thin, and the novelty had already worn off. Not to mention to the fact that “Revenge of the Fallen” featured an incredibly mind-numbing storyline and incoherent action sequences that NO ONE had any fucking idea what the hell was going on.

Now, here we are in 2011, and Bay has unleashed what is supposedly the final film in the franchise with “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”; a film so insulting to viewer’s senses and intelligence that I really think you can actually become dumber upon watching it. Between featuring a Victoria’s Secret model’s atrocious acting (and fine ass) in a starring role, an incredibly uncomfortable homophobic joke scene, off-the-wall ridiculous plot holes that may cause viewers to suffer brain aneurisms, and a depressed Megatron sitting on a dumpster (yes, you read that right) that gets conned into helping save the day. Yeah…and you thought “Revenge of the Fallen” was bad.

Now let’s get one thing out of the way here. When I was a kid, “Transformers” was my absolute favorite cartoon series and toy franchise out there, so the nostalgic factor alone that gets pissed all over here is enough to make me infuriated at seeing my once beloved “Transformers” has become nothing more than a 2 ½ hour long commercial for flashy cars, mass explosions, hot chicks in scantily clad garments, and Shia LeBeouf filling the screen with his wanker presence. Now, thanks to all that, when someone hears the word “Transformers”, they will automatically think of Michael Bay’s film franchise instead of the 1984 cartoon, and they will groan in disgust and bewilderment that Bay is still allowed to make movies, let alone ones featuring giant fucking robots.

Oh yeah, I’m still waiting for the “Transformers” porn spoof goddamnit, because I know that THAT would be much more entertaining than this bullshit.