The 2012 NHL All-Star Game...*Yawn*

Ah yes, it’s that time of year during the NHL season. The annual NHL All-Star Game, this year held in Ottawa and featuring a slew of the NHL’s biggest names and faces. Well, the biggest names and faces that isn’t Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin anyway. Granted they had legitimate excuses, i.e. Crosby has a broken neck and a concussion (slight exaggeration) and Ovechkin is just being a douche bag, but other than that this year was the same old, same old.

This year also marked the second year in a row the “draft” system was used to select the player representatives of the opposing team. Ottawa Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson led his team, while Boston Bruins captain Zdeno Chara led his, and a slew of players ranging from Evgeni Malkin, Corey Perry, the Sedin twins, Marian Gaborik, Phil Kessel, and more besides all joined in the festivities. There was the draft, there was the skills competition, and then there was the actual All-Star game itself.

In a nutshell, it was the same old shit.

Now I actually enjoy All-Star weekend for the most part, and this year was definitely better than last year’s affair for one solid reason: the NHL killed that ridiculous and just plain fucking retarded “Guardian Project” from last year that was the brain child of Stan Lee and an orangutan on angeldust. I’m not even kidding when I say that giving up on that abortion of an idea may have very well saved the All-Star game. I couldn’t imagine much of anyone, and I mean ANYONE, getting any kind of enjoyment out of that whole fiasco. Even small kids would have looked at that mess and said to themselves “what the fuck is this bullshit all about?”

But enough of my ranting, and on to the game itself. It was the typical All-Star game fare, with Chara’s team prevailing in the end and New York Rangers forward Marian Gaborik winning the game’s MVP award. At this point in my life as an NHL fan though, the All-Star game itself now comes off as being little more than the corporate handshaking, masturbatory event that every sports league presents every year. It just seemed more to be this time than ever before that the players themselves just didn’t give a shit for the most part. Granted we knew that veterans and future Hall of Famers Nicklas Lidstrom and Teemu Selanne requested to not be included prior to the selection process, and Ovechkin opted out citing his current suspension as the reason why he shouldn’t have to participate, but for some reason, this year just seemed to be different.

Although, we did learn a few things this time around. We learned that no matter what, getting picked last for anything is humiliating and makes for great media ribbing (Logan Couture went dead last this year after Phil Kessel was Mr. Irrelevant last year) while also awards said dead-last picked player with a new car (which the NHL provides because League execs feel bad about it apparently). We learned that singer/rapper/I don’t give a shit what he is Drake should never be allowed near a hockey rink. We also learned that Dion Phaneuf doesn’t have a vagina (possibly) and Flyers forward Scott Hartnell isn’t such a prick after all…but he’s still a ginger.

All things considered, this year’s All-Star Game was sort of fun in a way, but here’s hoping that the suits in the NHL office come up with some new ways to spice things up further down the road.

And when I say further down the road, I mean next fucking year.

Grading the 2012 Winter Classic

As a hockey fan, this year’s Winter Classic was a resounding success.

As a Flyers fan well…that’s a different story.

Despite all that though, the Winter Classic once again proved to be supremely entertaining, and every bit as enjoyable as the previous Winter Classic’s had been since debuting in 2008. We got it all: a nasty divisional rivalry, players knocking the ever-loving shit out of each other, and someone pretty much giving the finger to the opposing team (in this case, it was Mike Rupp scoring his first of two goals and doing a Jaromir Jagr-like salute, much to the dismay of Scott Hartnell who wanted to knock his head off).

All that being said, this year’s affair was also better presented than it was last year. Last year’s match between the Penguins and Capitals suffered from some shitty aerial camerawork and camera angles during gameplay that NBC thought was hip, and thankfully this time around, none of that happened. Instead, we got a whole shit-ton of replays. Now I don’t mind seeing a replay from a few different angles, but holy mother of fuck do we really need to see it six fucking times? No, we don’t. We get the point after the first couple. Unless it’s a replay of a questionable goal, we don’t need to see the same thing over and over again, no matter how many angles of it there are.

Flaws aside though, the game’s presentation was great. That, mixed with the accidental swearing that made the air (including Mike Milbury accidentally referring to the Rangers as the “Broadway Blueshits” instead of the Broadway Blueshirts, and the number of F-bombs from players picked up by audio on the ice) made for quite the entertaining afternoon. All we would have needed on top of all that was a good amount of snow fall to seal the deal, but alas, all we got were a few flurries.

It should also be noted that this year’s rendition of HBO’s 24/7 hasn’t been nearly as entertaining as last year’s, but I’ll be damned if Flyers goalie/salary cap albatross Ilya Bryzgalov hasn’t been an ass load of unintentional hilarity. From his musings of the universe to comparing his husky to a “hot girl”, he himself is the kind of character the Flyers roster needed…just not at 9 years and 51 million dollars worth (and gutting half your roster for either). Too bad the Flyers didn’t play him…or maybe it isn’t, then the game probably wouldn’t have been as close as it was.

Also, it goes without saying for me, but as someone growing up in the 90s with Flyers hockey, seeing Eric Lindros pass the puck to John LeClair for a goal during the Alumni Game on Saturday was a nostalgic blast. That event, plus the Winter Classic itself, is what makes the whole damn affair so special for hockey fans.

Now all we need to do is get rid of Pierre McGuire and all will be right with the world.

Jaromir Jagr...WTF?!?!

It seems that like the beginning of every Free Agency period every off-season in the NHL is a flat-out circus. I had already mentioned my slight displeasure at the Flyers surprise off-loading of Mike Richards and Jeff Carter for an overrated goaltender that doesn’t respond well to pressure, and a handful of young players and prospects, but on the first day of Free Agency, the Flyers managed to surprise yet again with one of the flat-out strangest signings I can ever remember them making. They signed a player that at one time (specifically the 90s) managed to run all over the team whenever they clashed, a player who has spent the last three years playing in Russia’s KHL league and many thought would make a return to the Pittsburgh Penguins to properly close out his career in the NHL…

Yeah, you remember this guy named Jaromir Jagr?

Growing up a hockey fan throughout my youth in the 90s, the biggest names in hockey were Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux: two legendary players that re-defined the way the game is played. Behind them though was Jagr; the magnificently talented Czech who seemed to do no wrong playing with Lemieux in Pittsburgh. Even when Lemieux was absent due to injuries or his multiple retirements, Jagr carried the Penguins to the playoffs seemingly year after year, capturing scoring titles and even a Hart Trophy for MVP. The man, the mullet, the ability to turn a game upside down by himself, that was the Jaromir Jagr we all know and remember.

But that was quite some time ago.

Having last played for the New York Rangers three years ago, and still making an impact in the league mind you, Jagr bolted for the KHL seemingly in pursuit for more cash, and why not? He’s been a Stanley Cup champion, an MVP, an Olympic Gold Medalist; he’s done it all. So it only seemed natural that Jagr would come back to the NHL to bookend his career playing for the team that he did so much for in a long period of time…

…then he goes and shocks the shit out of everyone and signs with the fucking Flyers.

Unlike a majority of Flyers fans, I was actually excited (albeit fucking bewildered) about the signing. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I’d ever see Jaromir fucking Jagr in the orange and black. I never thought there may come a time when he’d be playing on Philly ice and actually getting cheered (which granted, hasn’t happened yet). I never thought I’d see the Flyers make such a bizarre signing either…but then again I never thought I’d see the Flyers jettison the supposed “core” of their team either. Please note that when I say the signing of Jagr is bizarre, I mean that in terms of it being completely unpredictable; no one could believe that this has happened. Since the signing, there have been plenty of detractors, but one thing here is for sure, this may in fact be the most interesting and drama-worthy lineup the Flyers have had in quite some time.

Now, just think about this for a second: a locker room that features frequently outspoken guys like Jagr, Chris Pronger, Ilya Bryzgalov, and Scott Hartnell. Can you see any personality clashes on the horizon? I would fucking love to be a fly on that wall when the losing streak starts…

The best damn hockey names in the NHL today

As you've more than likely realized by now, I'm a huge hockey fan, always have been and always will be. That being said, if it's one thing I've often noticed in hockey, more so than any other sport, is that hockey players tend to have some just plain awesome sounding names. Sometimes they've been a little laughable (Joe Nieuwendyk...come on, just say it without snickering) and more often than not they've been more difficult to pronounce than they should (Guilliame Latendresse...yeah, say that three times fast), but there's just something about some hockey player's names that you can't helo but adore.

Below I've compiled a list of current NHL players who have the best damn names in the league. The list has been put together in no particular order (organized by team order actually), just for the fact that besides good 'ol Cal Clutterbuck (just say that name in your head...okay, now imagine him checking the shit out of someone, looking down at them and saying "you just got Clutterbucked"), it's just hard to pick a hands-down favorite. Enjoy!




Teemu Selanne - Anaheim Ducks

Dustin Byfuglien - Atlanta Thrashers

Johnny Oduya - Atlanta Thrashers

Adam McQuaid - Boston Bruins (put a "Mc" before any name and it automatically sounds awesome)

Jeff Skinner - Carolina Hurricanes

Rob Klinkhammer - Chicago Blackhawks

Kevin Shattenkirk - Colorado Avalanche (a combination of William Shatner and Captain Kirk? Hmmmm.....)

Fedor Tyutin - Columbus Blue Jackets

Jamie Langenbrunner - Dallas Stars

Karlis Skrastins - Dallas Stars

Justin Abdelkader - Detroit Red Wings

Magnus Paajarvi - Edmonton Oilers

Keaton Ellerby - Florida Panthers

Bryan McCabe - Florida Panthers (see Adam McQuaid)

Jack Johnson - Los Angeles Kings (not because of the musician, just because it sounds cool)

Ryan Smyth - Los Angeles Kings (just for the spelling of his last name alone)

Michal Handzus - Los Angeles Kings (when he played for the Flyers, every time he got the puck, fans would yell "ZEUS"! to my knowledge, they still do)

Cal Clutterbuck - Minnesota Wild (the grand-daddy of 'em all!)

Mike Cammalleri - Montreal Canadiens

P.K. Subban - Montreal Canadiens

Shea Weber - Nashville Predators

Travis Zajac - New Jersey Devils

Zenon Konopka - New York Islanders

Bruno Gervais - New York Islanders

Wojtek Wolski - New York Rangers

Michael Del Zotto - New York Rangers

Henrik Lundqvist - New York Rangers

Mats Zuccarello - New York Rangers

Jarkko Ruutu - Ottawa Senators

Filip Kuba - Ottawa Senators

Kimmo Timonen - Philadelphia Flyers

Scottie Upshall - Phoenix Coyotes

Vernon Fiddler - Phoenix Coyotes

Paul "Biz Nasty" Bissonnette - Phoenix Coyotes

Deryk Engelland - Pittsburgh Penguins

Logan Couture - San Jose Sharks

Antero Nittymaki - San Jose Sharks

Carlo Colaiacovo - St. Louis Blues

BJ Crombeen - St. Louis Blues

Steven Stamkos - Tampa Bay Lightning

Martin St. Louis - Tampa Bay Lightning

Clarke MacArthur - Toronto Maple Leafs

Carl Gunnarsson - Toronto Maple Leafs

Manny Malhotra - Vancouver Canucks

Roberto Luongo - Vancouver Canucks




...and that's pretty much it. Any ones I missed? Discuss!