Brock Lesnar is a Piece of Shit

I'm a sucker for pro wrestling. Ever since I was a little kid I've followed it, well into my teens. There have been periods of time where I stop giving a shit about it granted, but I always find myself drawn back to it eventually. Lately I've found myself being all about it again after a nearly decade-long time of not paying any attention to it at all, and in doing so I have come to a shocking conclusion...

...Brock Lesnar is a piece of shit.

Now I knew this back in the early/mid-2000s when he made his WWE debut and was pushed to the moon. It's extremely rare you see a guy his size have the kind of athleticism that he possesses, so naturally he was pegged to be the new face of the company. After a messy exit, Brock floated around the NFL and found a lot of success in UFC too before coming back for another go-around with WWE. I was never all that fond of Brock as a competitor, mostly because I knew from the offset he was going to be pegged as the next big thing. Aside from a super entertaining feud with Kurt Angle, just seeing Brock and his big fucking head annoyed the piss out of me.

In the time that Brock has come back, he's managed to receive another massive push while being on a part-time contract, which is fine because he's a big money draw just on his name alone. He's built a brand for himself by being an unstoppable monster of a man that does as he wishes just based on intimidation alone, not counting the fact he could take any one of us and rip us in two. Brock knows this, and combined with his massive ego, makes him one of the biggest toolbags in modern day existence.

Brock Lesnar is a no-necked potato-head looking motherfucker.

Between his UFC steroid shit, and the fact he probably went off script to prove a point last weekend at SummerSlam by busting up Randy Orton (what was scripted and what wasn't is still in question), Brock has that attitude of doing what he wants because no one can stop him. He's an overgrown caveman that was more than likely that jock bully douche bag you knew in high school whose dad had a brand new pickup truck every year and yelled drunken insults at sporting events he would make his kid participate in.

So yeah, in case you can't tell, I'm not much of a Brock Lesnar fan. I wish WWE would can him and not put up with his shit, but they won't, because he's a money printing machine. Thankfully he's only part time and we don't have to see his no-necked potato-head looking ass every week.

Fuck off Brock.

In Memory of Chyna and Her Place in the Hall of Fame

The pro wrestling geek in me is weeping. Actually a decent part of me is weeping to be honest. Joanie Laurer, better known as Chyna, has sadly passed away. Yes I know that Prince died too, but I'm not here to talk about Prince, I'm here to talk about Chyna.

Making her debut in WWF in early 1997, Chyna was a true pioneer for women wrestlers. Billed as the bodyguard for Triple H (who would become her off-screen boyfriend), no WWF fan had ever seen a woman like Chyna. With her harsh demeanor and rippling biceps, she looked like a force to be reckoned with, and that's exactly what she was. During the WWF's "Attitude" era, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock are usually seen as the faces of this era, and so is Chyna. She played an integral role in many storylines as well as being a founding member of the loveable faction DX, and was incredibly over with the crowd as well.

She was the first female entrant to the Royal Rumble as well as the King of the Ring tournament, is the only female to hold the Intercontinental Championship (twice), and was even the number one contender for the Heavyweight Title as well. That is fucking unheard of now when you think about it. While all the other women performers in WWF at the time were mostly eye candy (and booked as such), Chyna was something else. She was flat out legit, and truly gifted as well.

Her time in WWF ended badly, as she was seemingly given a raw deal when Triple H started porking the bosses' daughter Stephanie McMahon and Chyna found herself jobless. Things took a bit of a downturn for her personally, but I'm not judging her one bit. We all know she performed in some porn, but so fucking what? She never had anything negative to say about that industry and she seemed to enjoy her time there, so stop shitting on her already about that yeah?

Now, one thing that has always bothered me is that Chyna has never been inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Reasons for this range from her time in porn to the fact that the WWE brass didn't trust her enough to get up on stage and accept her award without verbally trashing the company in some way. Can't have that now can we. That being said, and as terrible as it sounds, now that she's passed, she will most certainly get in. The sad part is she should have been put in a long time ago. Anyone who says different is a moron. "She did porn!" So what? Look at who's in the Hall of Fame right now:

Ultimate Warrior: a known homophobe and bigot

Randy Savage: probably boned Stephanie McMahon when she was underage (true)

Sunny: she's done porn and is a flat-out nutcase in real life

Scott Hall: killed a guy and had way worse drug problems than Chyna ever did

Jake Roberts: see above (though replace killing a guy with killing his snake)

Jimmy Snuka: possibly murdered his girlfriend

So yeah, Chyna belongs in the Hall of Fame, and she will more than likely get in there very, very soon. It's just a damn shame that she didn't live to see it happen.

Rest in peace Chyna. We love you.

Hulk Hogan is Stupid...but Don't Kill His Legacy

I really didn't want to touch this situation with a ten foot pole, but I guess I'm going to anyway....shit.

Anyway, apparently Hulk Hogan made some kind of racist rant...that wasn't really so much a rant as most are spinning it, but that doesn't negate the fact that the Hulkster still said some...well, calling them "questionable" is an understatement, but no matter how you look at it, it doesn't change anything. Hogan said some shit he really shouldn't have said, and that's the end of the story.

Predictably, Hogan got fired from WWE...and apparently they are working on scrubbing Hogan's history from their record books, etc.

That in itself is a bit overkill don't you think?

Now Hogan getting shit-canned is one thing, but wiping away his whole history in the business is something else entirely. He was the focal point of pro wrestling as a whole attaining heights that the business had never come close to reaching before. He turned into a multi-national, global phenomenon. I know every single kid in my generation got turned onto pro wrestling because of Hulk Hogan (mostly), and then years later got re-wrangled back into wrestling when Hogan did his legendary heel turn as leader of the nWo.

To put it lightly, pro wrestling wouldn't be close to what it is today without having Hulk Hogan as the face of the business.

Like I said, I can understand firing him over it (which is really just WWE pulling damage control and nothing else, anyone that knows anything about the business knows that Vince McMahon isn't quite ethnicity friendly), but wiping away his legacy? That's overkill. Why do you ask? Well, think about it like this:

Ultimate Warrior, who was inducted into the Hall of Fame last year shortly before he passed away, was a known bigot and homophobe, professing as such during his public and motivational speaking days.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage, who was just recently posthumously inducted into the Hall of Fame, allegedly boned Vince's then underage daughter Stephanie, and was also known as a total control freak behind the scenes that led to many fallouts with fellow wrestlers as well as his real life ex-wife (and on-screen manager) Ms. Elizabeth.

Scott Hall, AKA Razor Ramon, who was also recently inducted into the Hall of Fame, was and is known as a notorious drug addict, alcoholic, and overall violent man that legitimately KILLED a guy decades prior.

Other guys that have huge legacies with the company and wrestling as a whole, like Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, X-Pac, and more besides, have done their fair share of scummy shit over the years that has become public knowledge, but regardless of that have good standing with the company somehow. The only wrestler whose legacy was erased by WWE was Chris Benoit, which was totally justifiable, but then again, he murdered his fucking family. Hulk Hogan said ignorant and overall stupid shit. He was punished accordingly, it should be left at that. Especially after so many other wrestlers who have worked with him over the years have come out and supported him in the wake of this, even those of color.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating Hogan's idiotic comments in the least, I just think things are getting taken a bit too far. I'm sure I'll get called out on it, which is one of the reasons I haven't said much about it since the news broke. Either way, don't pretend that the man didn't put his all into his profession, because that's almost as ignorant as the shit that spewed from his mouth that got him fired.

Oh, and if it's one thing that should get Hogan's legacy erased, I'd say it's a dead heat between the unintentionally hilarious sex tape he was a part of, and starring in that one "3 Ninjas" movie. Fucking hell.

Why We Love "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

My heart broke when hearing about the passing of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Undoubtedly one of the best talkers in pro wrestling history (and quite possibly THE best), Roddy Piper made quite a lasting impression, not just on me, but on our whole generation. The fact that he managed to accomplish such a thing without ever being a massive mega star like Hulk Hogan, "Mach Man" Randy Savage, or The Ultimate Warrior, isn't just impressive, it's fucking astonishing.

His amazing shit-talking on the mic combined with his legitimate in-ring skill made Piper a surprising fan favorite...considering he was a heel (AKA, a villain for those unfamiliar with pro wrestling terminology). In fact, Piper was recently voted the best heel in WWE history if I'm not mistaken. How did he manage to accomplish such a feat? Because even though we were supposed to hate this guy, we pretty much couldn't. And if we did, we loved to hate him. His magnetic personality and natural charisma made him one of the absolute greatest character wrestlers of his era.

Not to mention the fact that, for me personally, Piper starred in one of my all time favorite horror films: John Carpenter's "They Live". Piper would go on to star in other sci-fi and action fare; most of which were direct to video trash, but despite that, Piper always came off as likeable and never turned in a shit performance that I can recall off the top of my head.

In my early teens I met Piper (very briefly) at a WCW show during the nWo era of the Monday Night Wars. He was warm with a big 'ol shit-eating grin on his face. Years later, I came across him several more times at various horror conventions, and his magnetic personality shined through in the midst of a surprising amount of people begging him for autographs. I say surprising because I always thought that people that were/are wrestling fans would think it a bit weird if I'd tell them my favorite wrestler from that 80s golden age was Piper...but the true surprise came at a number of those cons when I realized just how much he meant to so many people.

That was "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. The masterful shit-talker. The man that could put on a five-star match with no problem no matter who he was put up against. The man who went from wrestler into acting and back again without losing a beat. The man who had natural born attitude that was always more than just a "character".

Rest in peace Roddy. We miss you already.

Uncensored "WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game" Review for Sega-16

That's right folks, Sega-16 is back and better than ever...which makes me quite happy for a lot of reasons. In celebration, I finally got to play a good game for once (fuck you "Wrestle War") with "WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game", and I damn sure enjoyed it too. Check out the original review here:

http://www.sega-16.com/2011/08/wrestlemania-the-arcade-game/

With all that being said, here's the complete uncut and uncensored review for the game, so enjoy bitches, we're back!



WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game (1995)

Published by Acclaim Developed by Midway/Sculptured Software



When one thinks of the Genesis and wrestling video games, the first thought that pops up is the Acclaim WWF trilogy. Super Wrestlemania, Royal Rumble, and Raw; all of which have their share of flaws, but remain fun regardless. In the mid-90s, Midway decided to release a badass WWF-based arcade game, using the same sort of digitized character model graphics engine which they managed to find massive success with using in the Mortal Kombat games. The end result is WWF Wrestlemania, which wound up being a hit and spawning numerous console ports. Even though the days of the Genesis were coming to an end, Sega’s 16-bit system got their own version (as did the abominably shitty abortion of hardware known as the 32X attachment, which isn’t all that different from this version), and amazingly enough, it wound up being the best cartridge-based port of the game.

WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game features a handful of the wrestling organization’s top wrestlers at the time: Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, Razor Ramon, Lex Luger, Bam Bam Bigelow, Yokozuna, and Doink the Clown; all of whom are nicely rendered and animated here on the Genesis. Unlike the Acclaim trilogy mentioned before however, instead of focusing on typical wrestling grapples and such, Wrestlemania instead opts for a super-over-the-top/Mortal Kombat style of fighting action. What’s even more surprising here is that somehow, it manages to work out very well. Between the Undertaker firing spirits and demons like fucking creepy-ass fireballs to Bam Bam Bigelow’s flaming head butts, the game is a welcome change of pace instead of following the same archetype of wrestling games in the past. The action that Wrestlemania offers is fast and frantic, and the totally over-the-top nature of it just makes it that much more enjoyable.

Voice clips from announcers Vince McMahon and Jerry “The King” Lawler are included as well, and while they are relatively sparse compared to the arcade counterpart, their funny quips and dialogue are a nice touch. The game’s sound and music clips as a whole are pretty nicely done as a matter of fact, and combined with the graphics engine, round out a very nice presentation package. The character models themselves aren’t as large or detailed as the arcade game, which is to be expected of course, but for what it’s worth, the end result here is pretty admirable.

One thing I often noticed growing up and being a Genesis owner is that if a game was released on both the Genesis and Super NES, nine times out of ten the Super NES version was the better one in terms of presentation and overall quality, just because of the fact that the Super NES had better internal hardware to work with (“blast processing” my ass Sega). With Wrestlemania, not so much. The Super NES version notoriously left Bam Bam Bigelow and Yokozuna off the character roster, and also only allowed up to three characters on the screen at once. With this Genesis port, not only do we get all the characters, but it also allows four of them on screen at once. This may all sound trivial now (and it kind of is but I don’t really give a shit, I’m 27 years old and playing a Genesis so what dignity I had left is long fucking gone here, let’s be honest), but back then for me, this was a huge deal. Not since the first Mortal Kombat game (which featured a code to unlock all the blood and fatalities of the arcade game, unlike the Super NES which didn’t) could I say that my Genesis got the better port, so this being the way it was then with Wrestlemania warmed my little pre-teen Genesis-loving gamer heart so much that it may have caused my first ever erection (maybe).

As much as I love Wrestlemania though, the game isn’t without its flaws. Even though the Genesis version allows four wrestlers on the screen at once, there is a noticeable degree of slowdown that occurs. It’s not much of a surprise that this is the case, considering these were the waning days of the Genesis’ lifecycle, and developers were really pushing what the aging console could do at this point. Also, considering that this was a game originally created by Midway, the same crew behind the secrets and Easter egg-laden Mortal Kombat and NBA Jam franchises, there aren’t really any extras to be found here. There were long rumors that Adam Bomb was a hidden character within the game, but I’ve never been able to find him, nor have I ever heard of anyone finding him in either the arcade version or any of the home console ports. It’s really a personal minor complaint from me however, so it doesn’t take away any of the game’s overall fun factor.

All in all, WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game was a blast to play back in the mid-90s, and it’s still a blast to play even today. If you’re a 16-bit wrestling game purist and have trouble getting over anything that isn’t quite like the Acclaim trilogy of WWF games, you may have some trouble getting the most enjoyment out of Wrestlemania. That being said though, it’s kind of hard to say no to what basically amounts to being a nigh-Mortal Kombat game starring the best pro wrestlers the WWF had to offer of the 90s era. It’s easy to track down and won’t cost you an arm and a leg on eBay, so do yourself a favor and check it out.

8/10