Why THE WITCH is Wonderful

Spoilers afoot:

I had said some time ago that mainstream hype can kind of kill a horror movie upon release, citing recent horror flicks "The Babadook" and "It Follows" as examples. "The Babadook" was overrated anal waste, while "It Follows" wasn't bad. Now I've finally gotten around to seeing "The Witch", which had quite a bit of more than favorable critical reviews, but for some reason, audiences seemed to hate. Keep in mind that when I say audiences, I mean mainstream audiences.

Now why did mainstream audiences shit all over "The Witch"? Well, probably because it doesn't offer a jump scare every twenty seconds. One thing I've realized from going to see a few horror flicks in theaters (the original "Paranormal Activity" being chief among them) is that mainstream audiences base how they enjoy a horror movie from the number of jump scares they experience. "The Witch" doesn't offer anything of the sort. It's cerebral and doesn't spell anything out for the viewer, which is probably another reason audiences hated it. Audiences seemed to enjoy "The Forest" better, and that movie is a piece of shit for sure, but it offers jump scares and little to no intelligence...just like mainstream movie-going audiences. Yes I know that sounds mean, but y'all know it's true.

Now, I had said that "The Witch" doesn't spell anything out for the viewer, and it doesn't. It doesn't flat out spell on the screen that Black Philip is Satan himself, or that he's giving a contract out at the end of the film in an effort to get the surviving daughter to sell her soul to him, but if you had half a brain, you'd get that. Mainstream audiences need to have every rhyme and reason for anything that happens in a movie to be spelled out and explained to them, because that's what they expect. They don't want to think, they want to turn their brains off and be entertained. Now there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but when it comes to films that offer a more cerebral experience instead of eye-bleeding CGI effects and pure stupidity, most audiences will rather choose the latter.

Not to mention the fact that this film is surprisingly graphic in its depictions of child death/torment, which for someone like me is quite lovely. It's really nice to see a mainstream-released horror movie not hold back. In fact, I'm really surprised this film had a national run in theaters. Seriously, I'm really fucking surprised.

Now I know I sound like an elitist fuck here in this thing, but when it comes to things like this, I guess I kind of am. I'm also unapologetic about it, so there's that. Regardless, you should really see "The Witch". It's the best mainstream-released horror movie in recent memory, and it now holds a special place in my heart.

Rest in Peace Darwyn Cooke

We've lost Darwyn Cooke. If you're asking yourself who that is, prepare to be educated:

Darwyn Cooke was a comic book artist, known primarily for his work with DC Comics. He first came to my attention when "The New Frontier" series had originally launched. What attracted me to it was Cooke's distinct style: a pseudo-retro design for characters and panels that both at once combined elements of the Golden and Silver Ages of comics, as well as a modern take. His work was truly unique, and in all honesty, something that I was initially put off by. Over time though, Cooke's work grew on me quite a bit, and it wasn't long before I began tracking down as much of his work as I could.

He'd worked in animation (for the animated adaptations of Batman, Superman, and Batman Beyond) and did other comic work on series' and characters including Catwoman, The Spirit, Spider-Man, and more besides. Everything Cooke touched was a thing of beauty from a visual standpoint, and alas, he's been taken from us far, far too soon.

Rest in peace Darwyn Cooke. My thoughts and hopes go out to your family. Your work will live on forever though, of that there is no doubt.

Fuck cancer.

The BLADE RUNNER Sequel That No One Wanted is Coming

....sigh.....

Remember that sequel to "Blade Runner" you were hoping would one day become a reality? Yeah, I don't either.

Either way though, we're getting it, as Ridley Scott continues to mine his past work in a self-destructive/semi-masturbatory way to squeeze some more cash out of classic properties. Unlike with "Prometheus" and the upcoming "Alien: Covenant" (sweet baby Jesus I didn't realize how dumb that title sounds until I just said it out loud), Scott will only be serving as a producer on the "Blade Runner" sequel, which also sees the original film's co-screenwriter Hampton Fancher returning, as well as Harrison Ford as Rick Deckard. The film is set decades after the end of the original, and will apparently answer some questions the first film left unanswered...

...which sounds fucking horrible.

One of the things that always made "Blade Runner" stick out to me was its ambiguity. I like the fact that the film doesn't spell things out for you like nearly every film released for mainstream audiences has the need to do. So I guess we'll get flat out told if Deckard is a replicant or not? Or maybe they'll just have Ryan Gosling (who is starring in the film) do a shitty and needless voiceover narration to explain things that don't need explaining?

The original "Blade Runner" was a victim of studio interference. That's why there's half a dozen different versions/cuts of the film. Considering all that interference and the fact that the film's studio never had that much faith in it to begin with, does it really warrant a follow up? Can't it just be left alone for fuck's sake?

Oh well, at least it's not getting a remake...

...until the sequel bombs terribly and it's decided that it should be rebooted from the ground up because somebody somewhere still thinks they can squeeze some more cash out of it.

The Good & The Bad About An Animated "Killing Joke"

You know all about "The Killing Joke".

What many consider to be the greatest Batman story of all time, Alan Moore and Brian Bolland's classic tale is going to be the next animated DC movie. And it features Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill reprising their roles as Batman and Joker respectively. Oh, and it's rated R.

Holy shit this is actually happening.

I've loved a majority of DC's animated flicks, most notably "Wonder Woman", "Under the Red Hood", "Batman: Year One", "The Dark Knight Returns", and "The Flashpoint Paradox" among others. Seeing "The Killing Joke" get the same kind of treatment is something I've always wanted to see, although I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any concerns.

It's the fact that knowing this film is rated R, could it be solely because of the infamous Barbara scene? There's always been a slight hint that Joker may have raped Barbara after shooting her and stripping her to take those pictures in an effort to drive Gordon mad, but it was only ever a slight hint and never spelled directly out at the reader. I'm concerned that maybe that whole scene could become even more exploitative; so much so that it loses that impact the scene in the comic had and totally misses the point.

Other than that, I'm truly excited to see "The Killing Joke" in animated form. I'm excited to see one of the best Batman stories ever appear on screen, and featuring the voices of Conroy and Hamill too no less. Hell, I'm more excited for this than I was for "Batman V Superman" (and I'm one of the very few people that liked that film) or any other comic book blockbuster to hit theaters any time this year.

Get ready folks. With any luck, we'll get animated adaptations of "Kingdom Come" and "Hush" in the near future among the many other DC stories that deserve the treatment.

In Memory of Chyna and Her Place in the Hall of Fame

The pro wrestling geek in me is weeping. Actually a decent part of me is weeping to be honest. Joanie Laurer, better known as Chyna, has sadly passed away. Yes I know that Prince died too, but I'm not here to talk about Prince, I'm here to talk about Chyna.

Making her debut in WWF in early 1997, Chyna was a true pioneer for women wrestlers. Billed as the bodyguard for Triple H (who would become her off-screen boyfriend), no WWF fan had ever seen a woman like Chyna. With her harsh demeanor and rippling biceps, she looked like a force to be reckoned with, and that's exactly what she was. During the WWF's "Attitude" era, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock are usually seen as the faces of this era, and so is Chyna. She played an integral role in many storylines as well as being a founding member of the loveable faction DX, and was incredibly over with the crowd as well.

She was the first female entrant to the Royal Rumble as well as the King of the Ring tournament, is the only female to hold the Intercontinental Championship (twice), and was even the number one contender for the Heavyweight Title as well. That is fucking unheard of now when you think about it. While all the other women performers in WWF at the time were mostly eye candy (and booked as such), Chyna was something else. She was flat out legit, and truly gifted as well.

Her time in WWF ended badly, as she was seemingly given a raw deal when Triple H started porking the bosses' daughter Stephanie McMahon and Chyna found herself jobless. Things took a bit of a downturn for her personally, but I'm not judging her one bit. We all know she performed in some porn, but so fucking what? She never had anything negative to say about that industry and she seemed to enjoy her time there, so stop shitting on her already about that yeah?

Now, one thing that has always bothered me is that Chyna has never been inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Reasons for this range from her time in porn to the fact that the WWE brass didn't trust her enough to get up on stage and accept her award without verbally trashing the company in some way. Can't have that now can we. That being said, and as terrible as it sounds, now that she's passed, she will most certainly get in. The sad part is she should have been put in a long time ago. Anyone who says different is a moron. "She did porn!" So what? Look at who's in the Hall of Fame right now:

Ultimate Warrior: a known homophobe and bigot

Randy Savage: probably boned Stephanie McMahon when she was underage (true)

Sunny: she's done porn and is a flat-out nutcase in real life

Scott Hall: killed a guy and had way worse drug problems than Chyna ever did

Jake Roberts: see above (though replace killing a guy with killing his snake)

Jimmy Snuka: possibly murdered his girlfriend

So yeah, Chyna belongs in the Hall of Fame, and she will more than likely get in there very, very soon. It's just a damn shame that she didn't live to see it happen.

Rest in peace Chyna. We love you.

Why We Need a New GODZILLA Film

I have a lot of guilty pleasures in life: pro wrestling, really dumb anime, and motherfucking GODZILLA. My love for Godzilla knows no bounds. It's why I was shitting myself with excitement when the 2014 American take on Godzilla was coming out. While my reaction to that film was...well, mixed; it managed to whet my appetite...kind of.

Now here we are, and Toho is releasing a brand spankin' new Godzilla movie in its native Japan, called "Godzilla: Resurgence". The first video clips of the film have surfaced, and it looks like glorious, dumb, slightly idiotic fun...AKA, a fucking Godzilla movie. And goddammit, this is the Godzilla movie we need and deserve.

At their core, most Godzilla movies revolve around Godzilla taking on another monster, destroying buildings, bringing about a panic, and having many, many nonsensical elements to them that will make you laugh like an idiot. That however is the charm of these flicks for me, and part of what makes me love them so damn much. It's something that most American audiences (or filmmakers) just don't seem to understand. The 1998 US take was a cinematic abortion that didn't understand its source material and instead decided to try to rip off "Jurassic Park". The 2014 American take decided to take a much more serious/disaster flick-style approach similar to the original film that started it all, but kind of lacked where it counted in terms of monster mayhem and action.

"Godzilla: Resurgence" seems to be like the classic kind of goofy Toho fun that we all crave and deserve so much. And goddammit, it's about time. I know we're getting a sequel to the U.S. 2014 version at some point in the future, but I'm not anywhere as excited for what that will probably turn out to be compared to this.

This has me fully erect, I won't lie.

The Walking Dead V The Walking Butthurt: Dawn of Bullshit

As most (if not all) of you know, there was a time when I really, legitimately loved "The Walking Dead". The comics, the show, everything. That however, was a long time ago. I got tired of the comics, I got super tired of the TV show, and I got just plain bored with the whole marketing blitz/cash-cow that the whole property has become (in hindsight though, I'm happy that Robert Kirkman and Image Comics have raked in the cash though; both deserve it wholeheartedly, and it's proof that indie comics can still be a force to be reckoned with).

Anyway, it's been a long time since I've watched "The Walking Dead", although I've been hearing plenty about it, namely the long-awaited introduction of Negan and the promise that he'll whack a major character. In the comics, when Negan made his first appearance, he slaughtered long time fan-favorite character Glen in brutal fashion. Most people seem to think the show is going to swap out Glen for Daryl, but apparently everyone's going to have to wait until the start of the new season to see whose brains Negan bashes in.

That's right, after weeks and weeks of teasing, fans now have to wait months to see who gets killed. And, knowing how this show goes with dragging shit out, it probably won't get revealed until the end of the season premiere...or hell, maybe even later.

This show sure likes to be a fucking cock tease eh?

For all the faults of the comic, one thing it didn't do was drag shit out. When major shit would hit the fan, it would hit fast and out of nowhere. That's one of the things that made me fall in love with it way back when. The show on the other hand...well, it's always liked to make you wait. You can label it whatever you want, but it's the truth.

Now truth be told, I don't care what develops on the show and what doesn't. The main reason I'm writing about this right now is because seeing all the butthurt fanboys crying about boycotting the show and making petitions to fire showrunner Scott Gimple (then again, this show goes through showrunners like you wouldn't believe) are just a little too much.

We get it, you're pissed. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be either. But if you're really that pissed off about the whole thing, you should prove it by not tuning into the show when it comes back in October. Show some conviction instead of whining about it on the internet only to go back to it when it comes back on air and then sing its praises after.

But no, that's not what's going to happen, and we all know it too.

If there's one silver lining to all this, it's seeing the butthurt fanboys going against the die hard fans defending this bullshit.