Fuck the Westboro Baptist Church

If you've never heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, you should consider yourself lucky.

Based out of Topeka, Kansas; the WBC is a cult-like religious group led by Fred Phelps, whose propaganda includes slander against homosexuals and just about anyone and everyone else who doesn't fall into line with him. To make a long description short, the WBC are a step or two away from giving suicide bombers a run for their money in terms of religious extremism.

Having their members, and children, walk around carrying signs of what God supposedly hates is one thing, but this crew of jackoffs also takes the time to protest and picket the funerals of police, military, and even late metal singer Ronnie James Dio. Their logic for doing so? Because God is angry with everyone due to homosexuality. Yup...take the time to take that all in. I never thought I'd say this, but these idiots make Pat Robertson look like Albert fucking Einstein.

Their method is deceptively simple: enrage enough people to illicit a physical beatdown, then sue their asses. It's pretty much the only way that the WBC has stayed in business and kept their compound in Topeka up and running, and they've gotten quite good at it. But if it's one thing that really brings my fucking piss to a boil with these pricks, it's the fact that they have the gall to attempt to protest and picket the funerals of the various victims of the recent shooting in Tucson, Arizona. Victims that include 9-year old Christina Taylor Green, who the WBC claim was killed due to "our disobedience to God".

Now I'll say right off the bat that I am an atheist, and that I do not believe in any form of higher power whatsoever. That being said, what I understand what the idea of "God" is that of an all-powerful, omnipotent, and FORGIVING being. The "God" that Phelps and the rest of his WBC assholes claim to represent sounds like a straight up evil prick. Granted the Old Testament God can be described as being a bit of a prick as well compared to the one found in the New Testament, but nowhere near the sort that the WBC claim to march and speak for.

I also want to take the time to address the fact on these pricks right to protest whatever they want. I wholeheartedly believe in First Amendment rights, but the WBC offers the most foul representation of such that it's just plain fucking sickening. The WBC hide behind the First Amendment, and preach the bullshit that they preach for little more than getting media play and the hope that they can reach out to other sad and depraved like-minded individuals to join their ranks. Give it another few years, and we'll hear in the news about them all drinking poisoned Kool-Aid in an effort to get closer to God or catch a mystical comet or some other bullshit. That is, if God doesn't hate Kool-Aid, and personally, I don't want to worship any God that hates the holy nectar that is said Kool-Aid.

I may sound like I'm beating a dead horse by this point, but these guys are cowards to boot too. My senior year in college at Temple University, the WBC was scheduled to appear to protest the campus productions of "The Laramie Project" and "Rent". When news of this struck campus, a massive (and I mean massive) counter-protest took place, prompting the WBC to not even show the fuck up. Cowards who hide behind and abuse the First Amendment who are almost on a Hitler-esque level. Cowards who show up to local Catholic schools here in Northeast Philadelphia and get sent running in the opposite direction when even the police here tell them to go fuck themselves.

Needless to say, I wouldn't piss on Fred Phelps and his cronies to put out a fire.

Why HBO and the NHL need to unite again

Last time around I talked about the Winter Classic, and how NBC practically fucked the whole thing up due to their "creative" choices in camera work. One thing that I neglected to mention was the amazing four-part documentary that led up to the annual NHL mega-event, "24/7: Penguins/Capitals". If you missed out on this four hour long special and you're an NHL fan, you've been done a great disservice.

Anyway, what "24/7" managed to do was give viewers an inside view on the locker room interactions, day-to-day team affairs, and portraits of various players on both the Penguins and Capitals, leading up to the Winter Classic. It was profane, it was surprisingly graphic, and it was undoubtedly honest as well, as the series began with the Penguins sitting high atop the standings and superstar Sidney Crosby in the middle of a massive points-streak, while Alex Ovechkin and his Capitals were mirred in a big losing streak. By the time the documentary came to an end, viewers were given an on-ice view of the action on the rink, and it was just simply brilliant.

What I'm trying to get at here is that this is something that the NHL and HBO both need to do again. In press interviews or intermission reports, NHL players more often than not come off as humble, relatively polite, and have little in the way of personality, but as "24/7" showed us, that just isn't quite the case. The on-ice mayhem and shit talking, combined with the behind-the-scenes developments of the respective teams made for compulsive television watching. So much so that the ratings for this edition of "24/7" was a ratings juggernaut for HBO, coinciding with the ratings smash that this year's Winter Classic wound up being as well.

This is a sure-fire way to draw new fans into the sport of hockey and the NHL itself all at the same time. By providing these intimate looks at the players, teams, coaches, and even the fucking refs (who surprisingly came off as some just plain cool sons of bitches), one can learn just what the sport really is all about, and just how truly special a sport it is.

NHL athletes have more passion for their sport than any other brand of athlete in any other sport in the world today.

Don't believe me? Take a look at that picture (above) of Capitals center Matt Hendricks again.

That's what I thought.

Come on HBO, work some more magic with the NHL again, and soon.

Fucking up the Winter Classic

The NHL Winter Classic has become the “event” that it was set out to be when originally conceived by the executives of the National Hockey League some time ago, and both the League and the fans alike are the better for it. What’s more exciting than the idea of watching hockey players grind it out against the elements? Absolutely nothing, this is hockey the way it was meant to be…

…you know, minus the shitty camera work that is.

Saturday night’s edition of the now yearly New Year’s Day event found NBC putting to use a similar camerawork style akin to that of what they do for their NFL games. The end result of this “creative” take on hockey is nothing more than a shitstorm of frustration for NHL fans. Corner battles for the puck were practically incomprehensible to watch, as was keeping track of the puck itself. I remember years back when the NHL was on FOX, a colored trail was used to help viewers keep track of where the puck bounced and flew on the ice (no, I can’t remember what the hell it was called exactly, and I’m too damned tired to look it up on fucking Wikipedia too, so blow me), and even that wouldn’t have worked out well here.

On one hand, I applaud NBC and the NHL for wanting to spice things up to draw in more viewers, because the NHL really does need them. Granted that ratings are the highest they’ve been for the League in quite some time, and the League as a whole is doing better than they have years before the lockout (both of them) ever loomed, but for some reason the sport just doesn’t have the viewership of the NFL, NBA, or MLB. That being said, with lockouts and labor issues looming for both the NFL and NBA, apparently ESPN is looking to give the NHL another shot since giving them up after the last lockout concluded. Let’s hope so, and then we may actually have some great play-by-play commentary again.

Speaking of the commentary, I like Doc Emrick as much as the next hockey fan, but other announcers and analysts on the NBC/VERSUS roster like Eddie Olczyk, Mike Milbury, and Darren Pang (God I hate him so much, always have) are so horrible and nerve-grating that I pine for the days of ESPN-flavored hockey. Could anyone call a better game than Gary Thorne? Fuck no! To this day, he’s still the first guy that pops in my head when thinking about calling a hockey game play-by-play, and I sure fucking hope to Christ that if/when ESPN takes another shot at the NHL, he’s the main man to go to.

Keep in mind that I know hockey doesn’t offer the same kind of universal appeal that watching a bunch of ‘roided up dudes in jocks wrassle around a field grabbing each other to get a hold of a dead pig has, so this may or may not have any kind of relevance to you whatsoever. If it doesn’t…well, suck my ass then ya bunch of pricks.



Uncle Nick needs another shot of motor oil…

How to tell if you're a tool: the Christmas edition

There's being a tool any other regular day of the week, but there's being a Christmas tool too. How does one tell whether or not they are a Christmas tool or not? Well folks, just take a look at the list below to get an idea about just what makes one a Christmas tool, and if you are...well, maybe it's time to switch religions...or just not give a shit. Your call either way, but now let's get on to the list...

You're a Christmas tool if:

Your electric bill jumps significantly by the time you've set up all your lights all over your house.

If you spend more than an hour decorating.

If you have a pet and you get them a Christmas-themed outfit (or any outfit for that matter) for them to wear. All the poor animal is thinking the whole time is "oh God get this shit off me, this is embarassing for both of us".

If you actually get up at 3 or 4 morning to go out shopping on Black Friday. You people drive me nuts.

If you dress up as Santa and tell chicks to sit on your lap or if they want a candy cane ('cause I would never do something like that, nope, not at all).

If you watch "It's a Wonderful Life" every year. People who've never seen this movie know it by heart, that's how ingrained it is to our culture...and try telling that guy who works at McDonalds making minimum wage for his family how wonderful of a life it is.

If you're that asshole who is all over the place at a Christmas party holding missletoe. No one wants to kiss you.

If you've ever made yourself a missletoe belt-buckle (guilty).

If you go get a tree the night before Christmas.

If you're at the strip club on Christmas eve. Take a night off, seriously.

If you post the lyrics to "12 Days of Christmas" day by day on Facebook, AKA your name is Seth Szajek.

If you really think Christmas is more important than any other holiday in any other religion. Regardless of the origins behind Christmas, it has been degraded into nothing more than a commercial, Hallmark holiday that represents the capitalist ideals of our country to the max. If you really think there's any more to it than that, go fuck yourself. Jesus never wanted an XBox...maybe.



That's all folks. Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and all that other happy horseshit.

Christmas Evil

The holidays can be horrific. Getting together with family and friends, some of which you may not have seen in quite some time on purpose or other, exchanging ill-thought required gifts and putting on phony smiles while greeting each other with fake hellos. Yes sir, the holidays can be quite brutal…especially with all this careless good cheer flowing around.

Anyway, those of us who may for whatever reasons wind up spending the holidays alone may find something better to do with their time…like watching a few Christmas-themed horror flicks. Yes, they do exist, and yes, some are glorious, and some are absolute trash. Whichever category the four I’m going to mention here fall into, keep in mind that the holidays themselves are really all about having fun, and these flicks listed below are the absolute definition of the term:




BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)
Director: Bob Clark
Starring: Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, John Saxon

Garnering an unbelievably shitty remake in 2006, the original and best “Black Christmas” is directed by none other than the late, great Bob Clark, who would craft a holiday classic almost a decade later with “A Christmas Story”. Instead of a heartwarming and thoughtful tale like that film would be, “Black Christmas” revolves around a small group of girls in a sorority house that are terrorized and picked off by a homicidal stranger. Pre-dating John Carpenter’s classic “Halloween” by a few years, the slasher genre owes almost as much to this film as it does to Carpenter’s. And oh yeah, even after almost 40 years since its release, the original “Black Christmas” still manages to shock and deliver.



SANTA’S SLAY (2005)
Director: David Steiman
Starring: Bill Goldberg, Emilie de Ravin, Robert Culp

Did you know that Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an angel centuries ago and thus ended up becoming a giver of toys and happiness? Me neither, but if there was ever a premise for a Christmas-themed horror movie to grab my attention, it was this. “Santa’s Slay” stars former pro wrestler Bill Goldberg as Santa, who has now gone back to his evil ways and is wrecking bloody havoc. A glorified B-movie if there ever was one, “Santa’s Slay” is gleefully bad and revels in itself for being so. This is made even better thanks to the off-the-wall, tongue-in-cheek humor, and it makes no apologies for what it is either.



SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984)
Director: Charles E. Sellier Jr.
Starring: Lilyan Chauvin, Robert Brian Wilson, Linnea Quigley

When originally released, “Silent Night, Deadly Night” stirred up so much controversy from angry parents over its depiction of an axe-murdering loony in a Santa outfit, that all it did was help it become a slasher cult classic in the process. Another gleefully bad take on holiday horror, the film revolves around a young man who as a child witnessed the murder of his parents by a guy in a Santa outfit. This experience, plus spending the rest of his youth having his mind messed with in an orphanage overseen by a horrid Mother Superior, makes him flip his shit when he’s forced to dress up as Santa at the local toy store he works at. Subsequently going on a bloody murder spree through town, he makes his way back to the orphanage as an ultimate judge of who’s being naughty (i.e., if he catches you getting laid, expect an axe through your head). So bad it’s good, and it spawned a surprising shit-ton of unbelievably horrible sequels throughout the years too.



GREMLINS (1984)
Director: Joe Dante
Starring: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, Dick Miller

I have to include this, I just have to. Though it isn’t of the same ilk as the rest of the bloody, holiday schlock mentioned above, “Gremlins” is the pure definition of holiday horror regardless. You all know the story so I won’t bore you with re-telling it, but when I first saw this as a kid, it scared the holy living shit out of me. Gizmo is super cute for sure, but his evil offspring sure as fuck aren’t! The film is packed with so many surprisingly scary sights for a PG-rated film, and that is one of the many reasons why it is still so goddamned revered to this day as a holiday horror classic. I could watch this, and it’s even more fun sequel (which isn’t Christmas themed but who gives a shit, it’s still awesome) all fucking day long.



If you’ve never seen any of these flicks (and if you’ve never seen “Gremlins” you should crawl out from underneath the rock you’ve been living under) and you want to have some bloody, scary fun, check them all out…you’ll be happy that you did.

Motherfuckers.

Thor Trailer: First Impressions

I'm nerding out again, but I don't know if it's in a fit of pleasure or rage yet.

Marvel's film studio is churning out another superhero would-be epic, this time with "Thor", slated for May 2011. One of Marvel's oldest and most celebrated characters, seeing Thor get a big-screen, big-budget treatment merits almost as much surprise to me as seeing my beloved Green Lantern get the same with DC's "Green Lantern" flick slated to hit only a couple months afterward.

After this past summer's New York Comic-Con, some footage from "Thor" leaked online (and was quickly removed), of which it has been condensced here in the first official trailer for the upcoming blockbuster. Chris Hemsworth, best known for playing Captain Kirk's ill-fated father in 2009's "Star Trek" reboot, is playing the title character, the Norse God of thunder. As the trailer shows, he has his patented long blonde hair, mystic hammer, and what even seems like a great take on his costume as well.

But the one thing I can't quite get over is that this guy is playing Thor. When I picture Thor, I picture a big, hulking individual. I mean Christ on a bike, he's the fucking Thunder God!!! Pro wrestler Triple H always seemed like the flesh & blood version of Thor (tell me he doesn't), but I understand getting an actual "actor" for the role. That being said, when I look at Hemsworth, no matter how 'roided up he looks, I just don't quite see Thor. Thor should be a tall, imposing individual. Any fan of HBO's vampire schlock-fest "True Blood" knows that fan-favorite Alexander Skarsgard auditioned for the role, and was even heralded by fanboys the world-over to get the part, but Marvel went with Hemsworth instead. Maybe they have the right idea, but who knows. I said the same thing about Ryan Reynolds when he was announced to play Hal Jordan in the "Green Lantern" movie, and the jury's still out in both cases.

Then again, like I said before, back when it was announced that Heath Ledger would play the Joker in "The Dark Knight", I laughed. We all know how that turned out now don't we?

Anyway, the visions of Asgard look spectacular, Anthony Hopkins looks like a quasi-mix of badass and corny (I can't explain it, you just have to see and hear him for yourself) as Odin, and the reality that this is just another brick on the road to the geek-gasm inducing "Avengers" movie in 2012, where Thor will unite with Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, and more besides are all reason enough to be looking forward to "Thor".

Then again, I also looked forward to seeing "V For Vendetta" getting the big-screen treatment, and well...I'd rather not talk about how that turned out. And Natalie Portman was in that, and she's here playing Thor's human love interest Jane Foster...guess no word of mouth about her "getting shaved" will bring out any non-geeky, meat-head attendees this time around eh?


"Russian like mighty Thor. Has big hammer, seems like good communist" - The Russian from Garth Ennis' "The Punisher: Welcome Back Frank".

The Walking Dead: Season Review & Retrospect

WARNING: Spoilers are ahead, for both the first season of "The Walking Dead", as well as the comic from which it is based, as I attempt to predict what happens next.

The dead will rise...

...and boy how they have!

The first season of AMC's "The Walking Dead" has wrapped up, albeit it didn't take long considering that this season only consisted of six episodes. Nevertheless, for the course of this six-episode season, executive producer Frank Darabont and comic series creator Robert Kirkman have managed to craft a great adaptation of Kirkman's beloved comic series. After last night's finale however, just how faithful the show will be to the source material will remain to be seen...maybe.

Within the first six issues of the comic, Rick managed to re-unite with his family, and his old police partner Shane, along with other survivors like Andrea and Dale. While the show has retained these elements, the one thing that it hasn't done (at least not yet) is present the struggle and fatal blow-up between Rick and Shane. The first storyarc of the comic concluded with Rick's young son Carl killing Shane in defense of his father, who had gone a little looney over his affair with Rick's wife Lori coming to an abrupt end. While the show seems to be headed in that direction, I had almost figured that Shane would be wormfood by the finale, but he managed to escape the CDC with Rick and company before it erupted in flames.

On that subject, the fact that the crew went to the CDC is something that was NEVER in the comic. Kirkman himself stated that he had no idea the CDC was even based in Atlanta, even though a majority of the series takes place in Georgia and surrounding areas. Still, it was an interesting twist on the series thus far, which leads me to my next question to ponder: just what did Jenner whisper to Rick before everyone made a run for it?

My thoughts on what Jenner whispered to Rick is plain and simple, and will bring up the first major plot point of the show thus far: Lori is pregnant. In the comic, Lori revealed her pregnancy not long after Shane died, but the question abounded as to whether or not the baby was Rick's or Shane's. Considering that Jenner took blood tests from everyone upon entering the CDC, and his somewhat strage reply to Rick when he asked Jenner about the results, he more than likely told her that she's expecting. Another theory may be that Jenner saw Shane's drunken attempted assault on Lori. The building was wired and monitored, and maybe Jenner saw and/or heard the discussion between the two. Either way, I'll be wracking my head about it until next season.

Another plot point that I'm dying to see resolved is just what happened to Merle? We know he lopped off his own hand and made a run out of Atlanta, but after that is anyone's guess. There has been a lot of internet chatter that Merle is going to become the Governor. Anyone who has read the comic knows the kind of impact that the Governor had on Rick and company, and considering he's missing a hand, maybe his revenge on Rick will be lopping off his hand too, especially considering that Rick does horribly lose his hand in the comic.

The Governor, as well as the crew's time living in the shelter of the prison they discover, are two absolutely major story elements that really made the comic so incredible and unlike any other zombie/horror comic to hit the market before or since. Some of the other differences between the comic and the show include new characters like Merle and his brother Darrel, Andrea not being anywhere near as strong-willed on the show as she was in the comic (in the comic she killed her sister Amy before she ever came close to turning), and Shane comes off as way more sympathetic here than he ever did in the comic either. I know that Frank Darabont wants to make things more dramatic for the sake of TV, but if the prison AND Governor points are never touched upon, my interest in the show will seriously wane.

All that aside, this first season of "The Walking Dead" has been surprisingly impressive, and here's hoping that the best is yet to come...

...otherwise I'm going to be fucking pissed.