My Thoughts on the SUSPIRIA Remake

Oh Dario, Dario, where art thou Dario?

You know what? Don't answer that. After seeing the last few films Dario Argento has made, I'm convinced he's lost to us forever, but that's a story for another day.

Anyway, one of the most beloved and cherished horror films in cinematic history is Argento's 1977 masterpiece, "Suspiria". A film that features brilliant storytelling, gut-wrenching gore, lush set design and colors, and gorgeous cinematography. It's a classic of the horror genre, and nothing Argento had done since can even come close to reaching the greatness that "Suspiria" managed to do.

So of course, it needs a remake, right?

Well tough shit folks, we're getting a remake of "Suspiria".

That's right, and it looks like it's happening here pretty damn soon. So soon in fact that casting is already underway. I had heard that so far we're getting Dakota Johnson (who I'm told showed her boobs in the adaptation of soccer mom porn for morons "50 Shades of Grey") in the lead, as well as Tilda Swinton, who I assume will be the big evil bitch of the film (and I don't have a problem with Swinton, she can literally do anything).

Now, here's the thing: "Suspiria" is a film that is definitely not for everyone. In terms of its storytelling, it didn't spell out everything for the viewer. There's a lot of elements in that film that are either kept ambiguous or are just told through the film's direction. Movies, especially mainstream American ones, don't do that anymore. Instead, we'll more than likely be getting a dumbed down, hastily-put together take on the film by a crew and producers who simply don't get the source material or rather don't want to...because intelligent filmmaking, especially in horror, doesn't appeal to the masses.

This happens all the time: just look at the recent "The Witch"; an intelligent and thought provoking horror flick that has been shit on by the general public because it doesn't spell things out and isn't easy to digest. "Suspiria" is such a film, and an American-ized modern day remake will more than likely be flat out crippled by stupidity. I'm going to list some horror flicks, most of them classics, that have been remade in the past decade or so and totally miss the mark that was set by the films they were adapted from:

The Fog
Halloween
Assault on Precinct 13
The Thing
Dawn of the Dead (okay, this isn't that bad, it just ignores any kind of social commentary that the original had)
Martyrs
Mirrors
The Ring
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (like four times)

Yeah, you see where I'm going with this right? This remake of "Suspiria" will end up having the same result. It's fucking clownshoes.

In other words, fuck this, and fuck it hard.