Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If you were a kid in the late 80s/early 90s, how the fuck could you not? They were fucking everywhere! There was the cartoon, the movies, video games, comic books, action figures, toothbrushes, board games, books, and so much more that it’s nearly impossible to fathom just how much of a juggernaut the TMNT license once was. The Turtles popularity ended up seriously waning eventually, with occasional attempts at resurrecting the franchise happening every few years, most recently with the CGI flick to come out in 2007 which actually wasn’t all that bad.
Why am I talking about the Turtles you ask? Well, as you’ve probably heard by now, there’s a live action reboot of the film in the works, and is produced by none other than Michael Bay. Bay caused a fervor when he announced that these new-fangled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are no longer mutants created by radioactive ooze, but instead are aliens from another planet. Oh, and they’re not teenagers either anymore. Also, instead of ninjas, they’re going to transform into turtle robots and shoot missiles out of their ass holes. Okay, that last part I made up, but all the rest is true.
Now, the first question I raise here is why the fuck is Michael Bay even involved in this to begin with? Hasn’t he already fucked up enough of our memories of beloved 80s cartoons with the fecal-matter laced Transformers trilogy? Not to mention the huge number of 80s horror flicks he’s had a hand in remaking (Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, Nightmare on Elm Street, and plenty more) to add insult to injury. Why the fuck does he have to put his hands in the Turtles for fuck’s sake? I can understand making another attempt to bring back what was once an ultra-popular franchise, and attaching a big name to do it, but Christ on a fucking bike why does it have to be Bay, and why does he have to change so much damn shit that a majority of people already know to be fact about the license in the first fucking place? They’re called “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, what the hell is he going to rename them? Post-adolescent Alien Douche-Bag Turtles? Why? WHY? WHY!
I have fond memories of the Turtles when I was a kid. I had the NES games, a whole shit-load of toys, and would watch the cartoon religiously. I grew out of it once I got past the age of 12 or so, but I always had a soft spot in my heart for the Turtles regardless. Hearing this kind of news that not only are they being changed around so damn much, but that they’re being changed around by GODDAMN MICHAEL BAY makes me want to shit myself into a stupor. You figure if they’re taking something established already and trying to make it new again, why don’t they just come up with an original idea themselves? Would that really be too much fucking effort?
So in closing, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…
Fuck you Michael Bay, fuck you hard.
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