Trapped in Uwe Boll land

Why do I do this to myself?

Whenever I'm stricken with cases of boredom, I find myself browsing through the massive amount of shitty horror flicks that are offered by Netflix for instant streaming. Flicks that are so shitty, no one should ever see them? Ever hear of a little turd called "The Video Dead"? Or "Tales from the Crapper" (never a more fitting title in all of filmdom)? Of course you haven't, because you have the common sense not to be bothered with such filth. I on the other hand do not, and that is where this guy comes in...

...this guy named Uwe Boll.

Now fans of the horror genre and/or video games know right away who Uwe Boll is. He made a name for himself directing film adaptations of horror and/or shooter video games like "House of the Dead", "Alone in the Dark", "Blood Rayne", "Far Cry", and more besides; all of which (save for one, being the politically biting "Postal", which I find to be a guilty pleasure) are the definition of the term abysmal.

Recently though, Boll has been churning out a new breed of film other than abysmal video game adaptations: the ultra-violent, somehow socially relevant type of film if you will. Films like "Tunnel Rats", "Stoic", "Rampage", "Seed", and most recently "Attack on Darfur"; which presents an ultra-graphic and ultra-chilling portrait of the genocide that has been perpetrated there.

In between the abysmal video game takes and the somewhat socially conscious shockers, Boll has made one film that is downright ridiculous, 2007's "Postal". Based on an unbelievably shitty first person shooter that was more known for its shock value, "Postal" found Boll breaking all kinds of decency rules, whether it meant poking fun at 9/11 terrorists, George Bush (frolicking through a field with Osama Bin Laden), and even himself as he playfully talks of "funding his films with Nazi gold", which many (myself included) have accused him of for years now.

On the horizon, Boll has a slew of films on the way, including a third "Blood Rayne" movie, a superhero spoof called "Bluberella", and another ultra-graphic shocker called "Auschwitz", in which footage put on YouTube was found to be even a little too much for this old gorehound.

What's the point of all this you may ask? Who gives a shit about Uwe Boll? Well, thanks to the Netflix instant streaming I mentioned earlier, I don't have much choice, considering that a good chunk of his films are available to watch (some of which without even being released on DVD yet), and the fact that quite frankly, I never know what to expect from Boll.

A while back Boll made an infamous rant defending himself against his critics, claiming that his films weren't the same kind of boring shit to come from the Michael Bay's and Spielberg's of the world. Ain't that the truth.

Say what you will about him, and I have before myself (I always said that I thought his intention was to out-wood Ed Wood), but the one thing I can say in his defence is that no matter what kind of film he ends up crafting, they are most certainly never boring.

So if you have Netflix and want to watch something different for a change (I can't promise whether or not it'll be your cup of tea or not), I dare you to take a walk down Boll lane...

...whether or not you come back is another story entirely.

The Green Lantern Trailer: First Impressions

As a life-long comic book geek who has always had a soft spot for Green Lantern, seeing an epic, big-budget move adaptation is something that I thought I would never, ever see happen. Directed by Martin Campbell (Casino Royale, The Mask of Zorro) and also featuring touches from long-running comic writer Geoff Johns (who practically single-handedly re-established the Green Lantern's place and mythos in the DC universe), this Green Lantern movie appears to have so much going for it...

...on paper at least.

First off, and this is pretty much just me having an epic nerd moment here, but Ryan Reynolds? Seriously? I understand that people love him and he has the steroid/superhero physique, but really? He's playing Hal Jordan, the test pilot who is chosen to be the first human Green Lantern, a job and title that for all intents and purposes is pretty much a space-cop. The Hal Jordan portrayed in the comics for years is one who is a flat-out womanizer and overall badass with absolutely no fear. When I see Ryan Reynolds, I just don't see those qualities. Instead, I see a smirking, one-liner cracking actor that just doesn't come off as being an ultimate kind of badass.

But hey, back in 2007 I thought casting Heath Ledger as the Joker was a bad call, so what do I know really in terms of casting?

Anyway, the rest of the trailer offers quick glimpses at Hal's love interest Carol Ferris played by some chick named Blake Lively, who just comes off as being too young comapred to Reynolds, and in all honesty sounds like she's reading her lines off a cue card. There are also very quick glimpses of the villains Hal will be taking on, including arch-nemesis Sinestro (Mark Strong, aka the mob dude from "Kick-Ass") and the mutating Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) as well as what I think is Hal's alien ally Kilowog. I'd be lying if I said that these aspects of the film didn't look the least bit promising.

One last thing to mention though: the costume. Now I understand the notion that Hal's costume is powered by the ring, and instead of giving Ryan Reynolds the traditional superhero ready-to-wear costume/suit, motion capture CGI is used instead. In some instances in the trailer, it looks kind of cool, but in others (such as Hal powering up in front of his pal) it looks ridiculously fake and lame.

All I know is that come June 17th 2011, there will be a Green Lantern movie, and we'll all know whether or not it's good, or if it's pure shit...and in the long run we'll know if DC-related films can rival what Marvel has done with their films and properties over the past couple years.

How to tell if you're a tool: the Facebook edition

A while back I listed all the things that can possibly make one a tool in their everyday life. Since then I've noticed a number of things on Facebook that have led me to believe that one's actions on the immensely popular social networking site can make one a tool as well...a Facebook tool of you will.

After all the feedback (and subsequent friend deletions, my heart weeps like an oozing herpe sore) I received the last time around, I'm dying to find out what I can this time around.

Just remember one thing, if you fall under a couple or so of what I'm listing here, you're not necessarily a tool, you just have tool tendencies (I'm guilty as well). And oh yeah, try not to take it too seriously, 'cause if you do, you're just as massive a tool as a tool could possibly be.

And now...suck it folks!

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A TOOL: THE FACEBOOK EDITION

You're a Facebook tool if:



You like your own statuses

You detail that you're out for the night and say "text it!"

You finish a status with "ftw" or "for the win". Clearly, there are no apparent winners anywhere in sight except all your Facebook friends who laugh at you when you do this.

If you're relationship status is "It's Complicated", which really translates to being, "my occasional fuck buddy has other fuck buddies".

If you're a chick and your relationship status is "in an open relationship". This is just a classier way of saying "I'm a whore, pay attention to me, I may fuck you".

If you're a guy and your relationship status is "in an open relationship". You're a douche, she's a slut; must work out great!

If your status is "In a relationship", but for some reason it states that you're "interested in dating and/or a relationship".

If your profile picture is you flexing. We get it, you work out, stop being a show-off, there's a weight bench that hasn't had the chance to be bathed in your stanky sweat yet.

If you post videos of yourself doing "Jackass" style shit and actually think that it's funny (guilty).

If you have a shit ton of people listed as your siblings when they clearly aren't (slightly guilty).

If every single status of yours is song lyrics.

If you have over 1,000 friends. Really?

If your need to post your political opinions goes from opinion to downright idiocy (can be difficult to tell one from the other at times).

If you keep talking about how awesome your iPhone is.

If you say "Go Eagles". The correct term I believe is, "fuck the Eagles!". I could be wrong, but I'm probably not.

If you have no children of your own, but repeatedly post pictures of yourself posing with a child (relative or friend's kid). Clearly you don't have a child of your own for a reason, and the rest of the world is thankful for that.



That's it for now folks! I understand that I may have come off as being a little mean here, but please don't take it that way. Or totally take it that way if you want to, I'll be sure to be around to hear any feedback...fuckers.

THE WALKING DEAD

It doesn't seem like it was all that long ago that Robert Kirkman shocked and thrilled the comic book industry with the biggest hit comic to come from Image Comics since "Spawn" in the early 90s.

I'm talking about "The Walking Dead". The zombie apocalypse comic that never ends...and what has become the basis for the new show that premiered to staggering ratings Halloween night on AMC.

Developed for television by Kirkman and Frank Darabont (who brought Stephen King tales "The Shawshank Redemption", "The Green Mile", and "The Mist" to the screen) among others, "The Walking Dead" is by and far the most chilling horror show to hit the airwaves in quite some time.

That being said, I don't want to sound like all I'm doing here is advertising the show. It isn't without its flaws, as some die hard fans of the comic (myself included) have noted that these zombies aren't quite the dumb walkers that we'd have expected. They've been made all the more terrifying for TV purposes (at least they're not running a la the "Dawn of the Dead" remake) and it works well for now...but with only two episodes in to a six episode first season, the anticipation for the next episode is killing me, even though I've been an avid reader of the comic and already know what's going to happen next pretty much.

If you haven't seen "The Walking Dead" yet, you are doing yourself a great disservice. The pilot episode is free to watch on various websites (albeit it is edited and toned down from what premiered on AMC) so there's no excuse why you're not watching it right this goddamned second.

...and I just heard through the grapevine: the show's been renewed for another season with 13 episodes.



Yes I just came in my pants.